Our son has always seemed to have a very stubborn frame of mind (though I'm not sure where he got that :D) So, typically when I want him to do something, I "positively reinforce" the action or behavior. It all started when we would go grocery shopping. "If you're a good boy, when we are done, I will take you to the Dollar Store and buy you a prize." Well for the most part that worked (unless it was a meltdown, in which case that stupid toy made NO difference to him.) To potty train him, I made a sticker chart. It looked like a game board. He got one sticker for pee pee, and 2 stickers for poo poo. Every 5 stickers, he got to pick a prize, then we went to every 10. I also had FREE PRIZE spots, every so often on the board. So, I thought, "wow! I got this mommy thing down!!!" Now all the while hubs is telling me, it seems like bribery to him (mainly the whole, "be good in public, and you get a prize.") I argue that I am merely trying to positively reinforce the idea that, good behavior, reaps good things. Fast forward a few years. LJ is smart. Sometimes I fear, smarter than his father and I... Anyway, now it goes like this, "LJ please pick up your toys for momma." Lj, "if I pick up my toys, then you owe me 5 bucks!!!" REALLY???????????? I didn't receive a 5$ ALLOWANCE until I was in my teens and helping my mother with daily household chores. My response to him is, "if you don't pick them up, I will and you WILL NOT like where I put them!!!!!"
So it is in this new light that I ponder......Was my hubs right????? Did I create this "monster" by "positively reinforcing" him his whole life??????? If so, I'm not telling! I will NEVER live it down :)
Thoughts anyone??????
Mommy's lil monster <3
Lol love the blog. I have the same issues with my 9 year old son. Everything's got a price. He is great at bartering time money, food, actions and will try it anytime. Even when he knows it is a job he has to do as part of our home he will still try to increase his money bank. However I barter back and tell him if you do your job plus extra then I will give you $5. If he really wants money he has to earn it but there are jobs around the house that are non payable jobs like taking out the rubbish, dishes, making his bed and picking up after himself. I have not done the treat after shopping or if you are good while we are out you can have something. If he has a medical procedure then I offer a special treat for being brave and he still does the same as your son lol so don't think you are wrong at all, don't think you have created a monster just a very smart cookie. I suspect that my son has a very strong crasp of work- earn - save - buy cool stuff :) I think it is great :)
ReplyDeleteThank you. Liam is just now starting to do "chores" for money. He doesn't get an allowance, but if he helps me out with certain things around the house, I do reward him with money. Behavior has always been an issue when we are out and up until a year ago I had no clue it was due to sensory overload, so I guess thats where the reinforcing came into play. I agree, sometimes this kid is too smart for my own good, lol :)
Delete"positively reinforcing" on steroids maybe. I think your suppose to wing them off of the toy or treat, and be able to give them the que without the reinforcer. I have to do this with my daughter and her supplements. Maybe you can change it to a first then board sometimes. As long as he both of you benefit from it its not a bribe. Bribes are one-sided. Its great that he can get all the way through a shopping tip and wait for his prize. That is something to be proud of. Same with the chart.
ReplyDeleteThank you. There are days he can't, but then he doesn't get the prize. He knows if I have to speak to him too much, he will get nothing, so he is pretty good. I have noticed by the checkouts is when he will start to act up. He also covers his ears bc the beeps from the scanner hurt his ears. So i try to keep my shopping trips small. I have to go more often, but he tolerates it better.
DeleteI am not above bribes, but I don't think you are guilty of that - and negotiations seem to be going in the right direction... we have a point system for both chores and potty training, and he can "buy" certain treats for different numbers of points. He is gradually grasping the concept of delayed gratification...but occasionally he realizes that if he pesters me enough, I am a bit of a pushover. Whatever works for you!
ReplyDeleteI too am a bit of a pushover :D He is starting to catch on to that as well, lol
DeleteNow that James is older the positive reinforcement has to be better I think. I blogged about this one in my early Blog days (mid April) and I still don't know if I have done right by the kid. All I know is that he wants to get "paid" for doing stuff and it makes sense to me!
ReplyDeletethe way i look at it is none of us are perfect, and as long as we do our best, they will turn out just fine <3
ReplyDelete