Some days are hard, others just suck

    I try, so very hard, not to let life get me down. We have been dealt a hard hand, but we persevere. It's life, and that's what you do. But I would be lying if I didn't admit there are days that kick me in the gut. Steal my breath, and stop my heart.

    I give you the good, the bad and the ugly. I don't sugar coat. I won't. I will respect my son, and his privacy as much as I can, while still trying to share our struggle, his struggle, so that others know they aren't alone. And so I don't lose my mind by bottling it up inside.

    Not long ago I spoke of his psychiatrist upping his medications (about 2 months ago) and how that wasn't kosher. It had adverse effects and he needed to be dropped back down to the lower dose. The wait list was hell, and until that time I took him off. I had too. It was either have a hyper, loud, stimmy child, or a child that was either crying or aggressive. I chose "normal" Liam.

    After 2 weeks, we saw the psych and he dropped it back down to the first dose. He asked me if I wanted to take him off completely. I thought that seemed odd, since Liam did so well on the low dose. So I told him no, just the lower one.

   That was over a week ago. The low dose is now affecting him like the higher dose was. Dr. S said this could happen with a dual diagnosis of autism and bipolar (and ADHD, and then some.) He said that sometimes treating one will make the other worse.

    He was right. So I took him off. I won't let him live that way. When your 8 year old BEGS you NOT to take his meds because, "They make me feel bad momma," you stop, and you listen.

    As I sit here tonight, and I see him sitting on the couch, I am broken hearted. He's not playing. He's not talking. He doesn't want anyone to bother him. He is refusing to play with his older brother. (who isn't here often, (he's 18 and how dare he have a life ;) )) and when he is here, Liam NEVER leaves him alone.) He is merely a shell of the boy that I once knew.

    It's not fair. It's not right. He is EIGHT years old. Why in the world does he have to deal with this? Why does his life have to be so hard? I always try to see the positive in life, but today I see none of that. Today I see a little boy who has more on his plate than those three times his age.

    Yes, I'm thankful for my son. For our lives, and for waking up to his beautiful face every morning. But I am pissed that this life has to be so hard for him. For me. For his father. Being a parent is tough. Being a parent that has no control over your child's life is even tougher. I can't make the Bipolar go away. I can't take away the pain. I can't make the cycles stop. Autism has nothing on Bipolar. Bipolar is evil and it robs my son of the happy life he deserves.

   Today I'm wallowing. Tomorrow I will get up and I will kick Bipolar's arse. For my son. Because nothing else matters, and he deserves to be happy.
 

To medicate or NOT to medicate

WE ARE USING MEDICATIONS~

Yes, you read that right. the mother who was vehemently against medicating children, has put her child on meds.

I was always against medicating my son. He was diagnosed with ADHD before he was diagnosed with Autism, and I told the pediatrician from the get go, NO MEDS.

As the years have gone by and as I have watched my child struggle, pita and I started to actually entertain the idea....

I still wasn't sure. That's a BIG step. But when Liam had his last manic episode, and our choice was inpatient over 2 hours away or home with an appt with the child psychiatrist, the realization was that medicine was going to need to be administered.

It was with heavy hearts that we accepted a script for Concerta, and one for Hydroxyzine for Liam. We were told that these are the first step. If they don't work it will be Zoloft, and then maybe even anti psychotics. So we started with the lesser of evils.

I was nauseous when I gave him his meds that first day. I watched him like a hawk. I mean seriously, Liam kept asking me to stop staring at him!

                               That day I saw a miracle.

  My son was concentrating. He was staying on task. He was playing something for more than 10 minutes at a time. He wasn't angry. He wasn't having constant meltdowns. He wasn't stimming constantly. We weren't walking on egg shells. (note: I don't mind that he stims, but sometimes he gets carried away (head banging) and I do fear it will hurt him)

We went from three meltdowns a day to maybe 3 a WEEK! Instead of bursts of anger, he cries. (I don't like to see him crying, but it beats keeping him from banging his head off the walls when he is upset)

I was afraid to actually come forth and admit that I too, was giving my son medication. So many people look down on those that medicate their children. I myself hated to hear that children were being put on Ritalin or Adderall. I didn't condemn anyone for it, but I hated to hear it. In my mind it was like people were giving their children legal cocaine. How could that be healthy?

And then my son went down hill. so fast in fact, that we really had no other choice. It was then that I realized that these medications are made to HELP our children. His doctor wasn't just throwing a script at us and rushing us out of his office. He was reaching out and telling us what he thought would help our son lead a happy, healthy life.

We just went today for a medication check up and when we told Dr. S all the good that has come from these two medications, he was smiling from ear to ear. He said that sadly, he doesn't always hear that it helps a child like this. He was genuinely happy that Liam is doing so well. We are happy. Liam is happy.

While I still believe wholeheartedly that medication should ALWAYS be last resort, I am now embracing it.

Not for me. Not for my life, but for him and for his life. He is happy. He is healthy. He is thriving.

My job as his mother is to make sure of that.

(I am NOT a doctor. I am NOT saying medication is the right step for ANYONE or ANY CHILD. I am saying that it should be last resort, but as parents, we shouldn't feel guilty for helping our children have better lives)