Smudge it Away

    I'm a firm believer that natural is better. That being said, yes, we do medicate our son. Because when his depressive cycles got so severe, he needed something more. Now, we have found a balance between natural and medical. We smudge it away, and it seems to be working wonders for my son.

Smudge it Away

    I first discovered Sage Smudging when I was a paranormal investigator with a local group. We often talked about this option with clients, so I was well versed in it calming properties. As my son started to get older, and his symptoms of depression and anxiety deepened, it dawned on me that maybe sage could help him too.

    Guess what? It did. However, we all love the smell of fresh sage, but once it's burning, it really doesn't smell that great. That's why I am so excited to share this Sage Smudge Spray from MoonWater Elixirs with you all.

Smells Amazing and Eases Mind, Body, and Soul

    As soon as my Sage Smudge Spray came, I immediately had to smell it. Let me tell you, it's fantastic! My son struggles with olfactory overload thanks to Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder, so I was curious as to what he would think about it. He loves it too, and immediately sprayed some in the air, and then walked through the mist. 

    However, this spray isn't just special because it smells divine. It's special because of it's ingredients. MoonWater Elixirs, uses planetary alignment, the Moon, and reiki healing to curate the spring water in their spray. There is Sage essential oil, and even a piece of charged crystal in each bottle of Sage Smudge Spray.

Clear the Air

    Feeling like you're in a rut? Is your home full of tension? If so, then give Sage a try. You may think it's hokey, but I am here to tell you, it helps. My son has been using sage to help him since he was seven. He's now twelve, and we still use it. As I said, we don't care for the smell of it once it's been burnt, so MoonWater Elixir's spray is so much better for our family.

     Mist it around your room. Spray your pillows. Use it as a body spray. Either way you choose to do it, you can relax and enjoy the fresh, positive feeling it brings to you. Even your fur babies will enjoy the calming properties of the Sage Smudge Spray.

HOW ABOUT 50% OFF? Use code 18854COU at checkout!

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Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

    If you or someone you love lives with mental illness, then I'm sure you know this feeling. When a cycle is creeping upon you or your loved one, you know it's coming. Any day, they or you, will spiral into Hell. The signs are there....but there's nothing you or anyone else can do....

My boy on an even keel, spinning, stimming, and smiling. <3

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

    That's what it's like for us. As his parents, we sit back, and we wait. Because we know, that any day it's coming. The deep, dark, depressive cycle. The one that steals the glimmer from his eyes, the smile from his face, and the hope from his heart.

    He powers through the little cycles every month, but in the spring and fall, the big ones come. It never fails. It's always waiting. Lurking. Taking it's time. Ready to pounce. To leech into his life. Each time, stealing a little more innocence from my beloved boy.

The Signs

    I've noticed he's been slowly coming down for the last week. More apt to cry for no apparent reason. Commercials and songs on tv making him shed tears. We're back to muting the tv again. (Especially the damn tiger commercial!) Sleeping ALL.THE.TIME. This child rarely sleeps. But in the past week, we have to make him get up. Literally fight him to get up, and play or do art, or anything other than sleep.

Snuggling with his fur cousin Velvet <3

    Video gaming is usually a reprieve for him. But not now. A simple loss sends him spiraling into sobs. He's head banging again too, and not to our beloved rock music either. I mean, he's getting so upset that he bangs his head for "relief from the thoughts." 

    These little signs are how I know the big one is coming. He does too. He can sense it. He feels it. He asks me, "How bad do you think it will be mama? Do you think it will be over fast? I don't want to lose a month of my life again."

    Thoughts from an ELEVEN year old boy

     A boy that struggles to make sense of life as it because he lives on the autism spectrum. He also fights this demon we call mental illness. More specifically he fights Pediatric Bipolar Disorder. 

    My son really is a superhero. Sans cape of course (except for the days when he dons his Batman one.) But he won't. Not until this cycle subsides. 

    You see, people on the spectrum perseverate. That means they have one thought, repeatedly. Day in and day out. Now add in the horrible thoughts of wanting to die from mental illness. Those fleeting thoughts don't leave. Now they are all he can think of. They play on repeat in his little mind, all day, all night. I can't imagine how that must be for him.

A Plan

    For now we live each day in waiting. Making mental notes of every sign, so we know when to jump into action.

    We have to have a plan. Up until now if he became too suicidal, it would mean a four hour ride in an ambulance to the closet mental unit that takes peds. Now however, he's "old enough" for the local behavioral science unit. I'm not really sure if that should make me feel better. Because my eleven year old boy would be in a ward with adults fighting the same battle. My baby. My world.

Suicide Watch

    Suicide watch is coming. We make sure all scissors or kitchen knives are hidden. He isn't left alone for more than a few moments. And yes, that means even in the bathroom. Because all it takes is a moment. It also means that I will now be sleeping in the living room with him. Someone has to be by his side at all times. No comfy bed. No good night's sleep. Not now. Not for awhile. This is our life. This is autism and mental illness. 

    This life isn't easy. For him, it's even harder. So on a bad day, take a moment and remember it could always be worse. 

    And if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please ask for help. I know, it's not always easy. Most often, my son doesn't ask either. But there are people who want to help. You can even message me if you need it ( alegionforliam@gmail.com ). But please, reach out.

Roll on Style with Fair Trade Artisan Bracelets

    With Mother's Day about a month away, now's the time to nail down a gift idea. How about some roll on, artisan bracelets from Sashka Co.? They go with anything, and can be worn even with jeans or yoga pants.

Roll on Style with Fair Trade Artisan Bracelets

    Sashka Co. bracelets are hand made with tiny glass beads by skilled artisans in the Kathmandu Valley of Nepal. When you purchase bracelets from Sashka Co. you're empowering women in need to rise above poverty and care for their families. So not only will you be getting your mom a gorgeous gift, but you'll be helping another mom across the country. 

Dress Up or Down

    There are so many reasons that moms will love the bracelets from Sashka Co. One of which is she can wear them for a long overdue night on the town, or daily with jeans, sweats or yoga pants. I rarely go anywhere other than doctor appointments or to get groceries, but I wear my Sashka Co. bracelets everyday. 

    They're so versatile. With a bunch of different colors and coordinating patterns, you can mix and match them all.

Causes Near and Dear to my Heart

    It's Autism Awareness Month! Sashka Co. knows how important this month is to our kids and families, so they released new Autism Awareness Bracelets. These make the perfect gift for the autism mom on your list!

I pair mine with this lovely rainbow bracelet because Autism is a spectrum!

    They didn't just stop there! Sashka Co. also has a wide array of awareness bracelets for other conditions. Each one has little ribbons in the pattern, made from the glass beads. With a wide selection of colors, you're going to find a ribbon for just about any cause. I chose a purple one for Fibromylagia awareness, a green one for mental illness, and teal for OCD awareness. (I have fibro, and Liam is autistic with mental illness, OCD, and more.) 

I Love Sashka Co. and She Will Too!

    As you can see, I'm in love with Sashka Co. Not only are their bracelets and earrings absolutely beautiful, but they're helping other moms in need. You can't beat that! There's about a month until Mom's big day, so head to Sashka Co. and start shopping!

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Snappy Self Care for Special Needs Parents

     I just had a REAL bath for the first time this week! It was glorious! I feel so clean, so refreshed.

     I know you're wondering why today was the first time all week that I've taken a bath. Well, simply put, my child has been in crisis mode since Monday. Suicide watch takes all of your time. 

    If you're a parent, you know that sometimes bathing or other self care gets put on the back burner. When you're a special needs parent, it often gets pushed further back. If you don't get respite, or you have to be with your child 24/7, taking a bath isn't feasible.

    So while I was laying there, actually soaking away a weeks worth of worries and scum, it dawned on me that I should share with you, my tips for self care when you have no time. These are seriously things that when my child is in crisis mode, I can't live without.

1.) Dry Shampoo

    When I first heard of dry shampoo I couldn't understand why anyone would need it. Then I realized, how many times I haven't been able to take fifteen minutes away from my child to wash my hair. In the event that you have to leave the house for a therapy appointment, or worse yet, an emergency room visit, you don't want greasy, nasty hair. At that moment, you feel horrible enough. You don't need another thing to weigh you down. So grab some dry shampoo. Trust me. It works and in a pinch, you'll just feel better.

2.) Baby Wipes

     I think from the time we have babies, baby wipes should always remain in our homes. They're good for so many things. These made my list because let's face it, if you don't have time to wash your hair, then you don't have time to shower or bathe. Break out the baby wipes. In a matter of minutes you can wash down your body, which will help you to feel better. Also, you don't want to stink if you have to leave the house.

3.) Facial Wipes

    When you're worn out and your face is feeling and looking greasy, you want to clean it. You don't have time to fuss around with facial products. However, if you have cleansing or toning facial wipes on hand, you can quickly clean away that dirt and oil. (Hey, it might keep you from breaking out from the stress too!)

4.) Mini Toothbrushes

    Okay, so I really don't know what these are actually called. They're tiny toothbrushes with toothpaste in them. You can find them at the Dollar Tree, and there's actually a bunch of different brands. All I know is when I can't leave my child's side, and my mouth tastes like butt, and my teeth feel gross, these things are a Godsend. Keep them on hand, you'll thank me for it.

    FOUR things. That's it! 

    These four things are my personal arsenal for when my son is in crisis mode. (Side note, COFFEE! I mean, I'm never without that, so I didn't feel the need to add it.) If your life is similar to ours, then stock up on these items. Self care is important, but we don't always have time for it. These save time, and will make you physically feel better.

Mental Illness Affects Our Youth and They Need Our Help

    I have fecking had it with the mental health system in the United States. I know I know, I should be grateful we live here, but at the moment, I'm not.

    I'm not because absolutely no value is put into the mental health system or into our children's, or our lives.

    You finally find a place that accepts new patients, and doesn't just push drugs, you think you have it made. When you choose said place, part of your choice was made because they have "Emergency" Protocols set into place.

    You know that taking your child to the ER for mental health help is useless. They make you sit there all day, only to tell you you can A) take the child home, or B) send them to a state hospital hours from your home.

    So you think, "Wow! This place has emergency hours. Thank the LORT! Next time my child spirals into suicidal behavior, we'll have help!!"

..................................................................................... But guess what????

    That time comes, and nothing. You call them and explain your child is contemplating suicide, just to get a reprieve from his brain. Only to play phone tag for two days. Your child even takes it upon himself to call for help, and guess what???? He gets an appointment for ONE MONTH from now.

ONE FECKING MONTH!

    Call me ignorant, but isn't the definition of an emergency "a SERIOUS, UNEXPECTED, and DANGEROUS SITUATION REQUIRING IMMEDIATE ATTENTION??"

    Is a month from now immediate??

    Feck no it isn't! A lot of things could happen in a month!

    I used to work in a pediatric clinic. We too boasted that we had emergency appointments. And guess what? We ACTUALLY fecking had them! I left two slots open EVERY day in case of an emergency, so we could juggle people if we had too. Some days I had to fill them, but we ALWAYS made room. Even if that meant working after hours. Sometimes that meant working off the clock with NO PAY. But guess what? We were helping children and their families, so it was worth it.

    Is the world so money hungry that they have to book doctors full? And God forbid you may have to stay late to help someone. Especially a damn child.

    You know what you're showing him? That you don't give a damn. If his problems don't fit into your schedule then they aren't important. Way to make a child jaded at a young age.

    If we don't start stepping up, and speaking out about the mental health crisis facing the United States, we're going to lose our children. 

    You see, mental health affects them too. Many people don't realize that. Children can become suicidal. My son started at the young age of FIVE. Yes, at five years old. 

    Most physicians don't know how to handle a mentally ill child. They don't know what to do when you walk in and say, "My child needs help. He/She wants to kill themselves." And it seems that the ones that do are so fecking booked, that there's no time to fit your child in, in a time of crisis.

    What are we to do for our children? How can we help them if there's no help to be found?

#HELP The Word We Need to Know is Okay to Say

You guys! I was finally starting to pull out of my funk, and give this page more attention.... and then I heard about Chester Bennington.'s death.

I was sitting in the office of my son's mental health psychiatrist when I read it. Tears immediately filled my eyes.

When we got out to the car, I told Beans I had something sad to tell him. I started to play Crawling, ("his song" more on that later) and told him that Chester had died. I even told him how police reported he died.

Because #mentalhealth needs to be spoken about.

He put his little head down, and said, "my gosh mama. that's awful!" he was silent for awhile.

Here's the thing. Did I know Chester? No (but man do I wish I did.) I didn't even get to see him live. But I bought Linkin Park's first album the day it went on sale, and I was hooked.

Something about Chester spoke to me. The way he sang, the words he screamed. It was like someone could finally see their way through my muddled mind.

My son has been listening to them since he was just a little baby. When he was old enough to articulate some feelings, he shocked me.

We were in the car (probably going to some therapy appointment) and Crawling was playing from my iPod (remember the colorful gen 2's? sorry #adhd )

He said, "mama, this is my bad thoughts song. It's like my brain."

Right there I knew the #mentalillness monster was in my son.

Right then, before the actual #bipolardisorder diagnosis, I knew it wasn't just #autism.

I digress. Bear with me, there is a point here.

So anyway, I'm in a major funk again. Every time I see Chester's face in my feed, my heart enters my throat. I am gobsmacked, and heart broken.

To know that that man, with the gorgeous wife, six precious kids, an amazing musical career, and more, felt he had no other choice....

He felt so alone....

so broken....

that he felt taking his own life was the only way to truly be free....

it's horrific....

and I don't want anyone, ever to feel that way.

So here's my point.

If YOU ever feel that way, PLEASE message my page.

(I know my friends are thinking "SHE NEVER ANSWERS MY MESSAGES! Guys! I love you! I promise! I'm just super busy.)

Message me ONE WORD.

One four letter word.

Message me HELP

And as soon as I see it, I will be there, will bells on.

I don't do phone calls because of anxiety, but I will chat with you, and I will put you in touch with someone in YOUR AREA to help you.

I promise.

Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how famous we are.

It doesn't matter how much money we have (which is good because I have NONE)

It doesn't matter what kind of car we drive.

What matters is the mark we leave on the world.

The people we help.

The love we share.

Mental illness doesn't discriminate either.

None of those things matter to that monster.

So if I can only do one thing in my life, as long as it's helping someone in need, then I am fulfilled.

So please, HELP is all you need to say.

as a matter of fact, let's hashtag it. Because it seems all the "important" words are hashtagged.

#HELP if you need it, I will be there.

If you feel like you could join this movement, then by all means, comment, share, or what ever. Just look out for one another, okay?

Just #Help each other

According to Big Lots My Son is the Bad Kind of Crazy

    Tis the season! We are being bombarded with holiday shopping commercials. With Black Friday less than a week away, they are everywhere! I've personally been stuck on the Hallmark Channel and enjoying the sappy Christmas movies. That is until I heard Big Lots new commercial.

I went from happy holiday spirit, to shock, to anger, to sadness. 

Here's the video.... CLICK HERE

    "I went crazy in a good way...."

    ....As opposed to what other kind? Bad????

     I don't sugar coat my son's struggles with mental illness, but I sure as hell don't support furthering the stigma surrounding mental illness.

    Before you stop reading and think, "ugh! People are too sensitive! I'm tired of being so politically correct!" Think of this, CHILDREN suffer from mental illness. Do you think they, or adults, would like to be called "crazy?"

    By saying things like "good crazy," you're in fact adding to the fear and stigmas that surround those affected by mental illness. It's not about PC. It's about being a decent human being. It's about caring. It's about being respectful.

    We all know it's not okay to use the n word. Many of us are working on teaching people not to use the r word too. Well, as a mother of a child with special needs AND mental illness, I implore you not to use crazy as an adjective to describe someone. It's hurtful and demeaning.

    My son saw the video just a bit ago, which sparked the reason for this post. In my ten year old son's words, "I hate when people say crazy! It's not nice. I'm not crazy! I just have problems! Why are people so mean mama?"

    There you have it. From the mouths of babes....

    I'm reaching out to all of you, and to Big Lots too, STOP using "crazy" as an adjective!

For those of you whom like me, agree that crazy is a form of ableism, and actually care to find words to replace it, check out this post from What Privilege.

According to Big Lots My Son is the Bad Kind of Crazy

    Tis the season! We are being bombarded with holiday shopping commercials. With Black Friday less than a week away, they are everywhere! I've personally been stuck on the Hallmark Channel and enjoying the sappy Christmas movies. That is until I heard Big Lots new commercial.

I went from happy holiday spirit, to shock, to anger, to sadness. 

Here's the video....

https://www.facebook.com/biglots/videos/2186529718061587/

    ....As opposed to what other kind? Bad????

     I don't sugar coat my son's struggles with mental illness, but I sure as hell don't support furthering the stigma surrounding mental illness.

    Before you stop reading and think, "ugh! People are too sensitive! I'm tired of being so politically correct!" Think of this, CHILDREN suffer from mental illness. Do you think they, or adults, would like to be called "crazy?"

    By saying things like "good crazy," you're in fact adding to the fear and stigmas that surround those affected by mental illness. It's not about PC. It's about being a decent human being. It's about caring. It's about being respectful.

    We all know it's not okay to use the n word. Many of us are working on teaching people not to use the r word too. Well, as a mother of a child with special needs AND mental illness, I implore you not to use crazy as an adjective to describe someone. It's hurtful and demeaning.

    In my ten year old son's words, "I hate when people say crazy! It's not nice. I'm not crazy! I just have problems!"

    I'm reaching out to all of you, and to Big Lots too, STOP using "crazy" as an adjective!

For those of you whom like me, agree that crazy is a form of ableism, and actually care to find words to replace it, check out this post from What Privilege.

Happy to Sad in T Minus Five and Counting

          Happy to Sad in T Minus Five and Counting

 I was laying in bed this morning, enjoying the quiet and watching some tv. I could see on the monitor that Liam was awake, watching Pat and Jen on YouTube, and playing Minecraft. All was right in our world.

   Or so I thought.

   Not ten minutes later, I saw him head to my chair and turn on my heating pad. He disappeared for a moment, as he headed into the kitchen and turned on my Keurig. This kid has my morning shuffle down pat! I was beaming with pride at his kindness and as as he walked in, I couldn't wait to tell him how sweet that was.

   Then he stopped at the foot of my bed. His back was to me, as he stared at the fireplace. What he said next made my heart skip a beat, and then lodge in my throat.

   In a quiet little voice, that is so unlike my son, he said, "Mommy, I was watching YouTube and then my brain had two more bad thoughts.... I didn't want to be alone, so I came to get you. I turned on your heating pad, and got your coffee started. Can you please come out to the living room with me?"

                                       Instantaneous Heartbreak...................

   That saying, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have," well that is my son's life in a nutshell. He has over come more emotionally and mentally at (almost) 10 years old, than some people have to, in their entire life time. And he keeps fighting.  

   And here comes the cycle. The big one. The one that makes his life constant turmoil for weeks. It starts slowly. Working it's way in, and then it hits like a hurricane, and there's no turning back.

   Being Autistic is a struggle in and of itself, then you add in a mix of comorbids, (the simultaneous presence of two chronic diseases, disorders, or conditions in a patient. Ex:. ADHD, Anxiety, etc.) Now toss in a mental illness to boot, well then you have a recipe for disaster. I'm not kidding. I'm also not trying to sound heartless, I'm being honest.

   This isn't to say he doesn't have good days. The majority of his days are good. Yes, he has meltdowns, yes he stims,(self-stimulatory behavior, also known as stimming and self-stimulation, is the repetition of physical movements, sounds, or repetitive movement of objects common in individuals with developmental disabilities, but most prevalent in people with autistic spectrum disorders.) But those things come with the autism territory. We roll with those punches. It's the mental illness that puts the most strain on him, and honestly us too.

   I said it many times before, but I'll say it again. Being a parent, it's our job to care for our children. To help what ails them. But when it's something you can't fix, it's devastating. When they look at you and ask, "Mommy, can't you make it stop?" your heart rips in two.

   Thankfully the older Liam gets, and thanks to his hard work, and his amazing SLP, (Speech-language pathologists (SLPs) work to prevent, assess, diagnose, and treat speech, language, social communication, cognitive-communication, and swallowing disorders in children and adults,) and his amazing BSC's, (Behavioral Specialist Consultant - A BSC can provide training, consultation and supervision of team members in any setting where a child may be experiencing emotional or behavioral problems,)  he has become articulate enough to express these feelings. He doesn't hold them in and let them eat away at him. He tells us. Each and every one. The feelings he expresses overwhelm us. Can you imagine how it must be for him?

   I can't. And when I try, I ache so bad for him, that I can't bring myself to think of it. I have to become numb. I have to autopilot myself. Everything around me becomes static, because the only thing I can focus on, the only thing I NEED to focus on, is him.

   And so the countdown begins. The countdown to the yearly cycle that puts us all in an alternate universe. Hell. That's how we all describe it. It's Hell.

  In our world, Hell is this time of the year. Liam withdraws. He barely eats. He either cries, or screams and is beside himself with grief, for weeks on end. He stims, A LOT! Mainly rocking, or wanting to be rocked in our laps. Thankfully he does talk to us, but barely. He doesn’t communicate “normally.” He will tell us what his “mind tells him,” but that’s it. He doesn’t smile. He doesn’t laugh. Nothing that would normally make him happy works. He refuses to leave the confines of our home. If we do manage to get him out, his anxiety worsens, and it just isn’t worth it. We can’t leave his side. He can’t be alone for even a moment. When he cycles this deeply, suicide is a real worry.

   Yes, you read that right. My (almost) ten year old has suicidal thoughts. He has since he was five years old. It’s hard to write. Even harder to say. But we have to. People need to know the reality of mental illness in children. Dangerous objects in the home that you may not think about normally, you become super focused on. For instance, the knives I keep over my stove, they’re out of his reach, but what if I went to use the bathroom and he climbed up and got one? So they have to be moved out of even my reach. (He’s almost as tall as I am.) All the knobs on the gas stove are taken off and put up on top of the fridge (with the knives.) That way, God forbid his mind went there, he wouldn’t get to them before one of us could get to him.

   This is our reality. This is our life. This is his struggle. This is real. This is Hell.

Do You Wish You Never Had Him?

     I was recently asked by someone, "Don't you sometimes wish you NEVER had him?" 

    The question wasn't meant offensively, and I paused a moment, letting those words sink in. I didn't pause because I had to ponder my answer. I paused because I think I was just shocked at the question. I am not judging the person that posed the question. Yes, it is a very harsh question. But it was an honest question, and I have no issues with speaking honestly, and candidly about our journey.

  "No," I replied. "Be honest," she said. "Honestly, no I don't. I hate Bipolar disorder. I hate when it makes him depressive. That, I wish we didn't have to deal with," I replied. 

    That is the God's honest truth. Even if someone waged this question at me on an awful day, that would STILL be my answer.

    Here's OUR truth. He has BAD days. Days where I think to myself, "I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if HE can do this."  Days, weeks, where we can't leave the house, because he is in such a deep depressive cycle, he can't stop crying, screaming, or stimming. Days where he begs me to make it stop. Days where he begs his brain "to leave him alone." Days where I won't contact my family, or react with followers on my page, because I can't leave him alone, and because I can't stand the thought of talking with people and trying to "act" like everything is okay. But you know what? HE perseveres. HE gives US the strength to continue. HE is the reason we are strong. HE is the reason we keep on keeping on.

     Through all of this, never ONCE, not even for a split second, have I ever wished Liam wasn't my son. I suffered SEVEN miscarriages before God gave him to me, and I thank him EVERY night for my son. I honestly do. I have never even wished Liam wasn't autistic. I have however, wished there was a cure for Bipolar Disorder. BP makes his life hard. I sometimes wonder how he bears it. He's definitely a stronger person than I am!

    Throughout my journey I have met parents that want a cure for autism. That used to to make me angry. But I don't walk in their shoes. My son has ups and downs, but they aren't as severe as other kids. So I have no place to judge these parents. It's their life. It's their choice, or their child's choice and it isn't for me to decide. For us, autism isn't the hardest part of our lives. For us, it's the mental illness. That is what we have a problem with.

    When asked, Liam will tell you he wouldn't cure his autism. He will tell you he "likes how he thinks." But ask him if he'd cure his mental illness, and he won't hesitate to say YES!