First Day Jitters....

  As I see pics of friends' kiddos heading back to school, and I hear about little ones starting kindergarten, I am so happy for them. Yet, for me, it makes me queasy.

You can't tell, but I was scared to death to let him go. (2010)

I remember the tears and the fear in Liam and myself that first day. It was rainy and dreary. My friend brought her kiddos over to wait with Liam for the bus. He was so excited. He danced all over the deck. When he got on the bus, I saw him put his brave face on. I watched as he choked back tears. I too did the same, because I didn't want my baby to see my fear.

Look how happy he was!!! (2010)

He rushed to get on the bus as he fought back his tears (2010)

   I remember waiting impatiently for him to get off the bus. I remember the look in his eyes when he did. I remember how he didn't speak, refused to eat, stared blankly around the room. My heart sinks, I want to vomit.

  He endured school for 4 days. He was placed in the hallway when he couldn't handle the class, the noises, the smells, and so on. At no time was I told. I emailed his teacher on day two. Asked her how it went. Asked her why his shirt was all stretched out around the neck. Why it was soaked. She told me,  "he misses you, that is all." At no time did she tell me he was spending his days in the hall. At no time did she tell me he vomited in the cafeteria and was sent to the nurse. He was sent out of gym, music and art, and only was able to tolerate the library.

  I am sickened. My child was treated like an unwanted animal, and I was none the wiser. I cry, a lot. When I see that teacher in public it is all I can do to refrain from mauling her. My son is terrified of her. He refuses to step foot in schools. He has a hard time coloring because he always remembers how she yelled at him and mocked him in front of a class full of strange kids. Just because he couldn't color in the lines.

   I know I made the right decision to pull him from that hellacious school. It was an easy choice to pull him, but a huge decision to take over his education myself. It has been hard being his teacher and there are days I get so upset, I do raise my voice. I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be. I have learned to walk away, and take a few breaths, and he is learning to do the same. We are learning together.

  I am watching my son flourish. When he aces math with no issues, he beams with pride. When he reads to me (a story of his choosing) he is all smiles. Inside, I am exploding with pride because I taught him that.

   I jest about the choice to home school, because it isn't easy. It's not for the faint of heart. It's not for everyone. For us, it was the only choice, the only way. When people ask me if Liam will ever return to brick and mortar school, I say I hope so. But do I???? Not really. It makes me sick to think about it. It makes him freak out to talk about it. Sure I would love a few hours of peace. But not at the price of my son. He didn't deserve the way he was treated at Northeast Bradford, and I can't and won't make him go through that again. When and if HE decides he wants to try, I will do my best to pave the way for him. Until then, we home school!

Look how happy he is in his personal class room! (this was his first day of school last year) he was counting ALOUD (which means yelling, bc he is so very literal. ( Blurred bc he does school in his underpants!)

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Anon makes me laugh....

 So the last time I blogged was about the Liebster Award. (I know, I need to blog more, but time, and brain fog that make that impossible.) Anyway, so on that post, someone left my fave comment to date. If you want to read it, CLICK HERE.

 I seriously laughed over this comment. I mean, really? First of all, as someone kindly pointed out to me, what pic was this person trying to steal? I mean, in that post the only pic was the Liebster award one. Secondly this person didn't have the brass tacks enough to comment by name. They hid behind that glorious ANON label. Yet tried calling me out for having made my blog so you can't right click my pics.

 This idiot called me a few things. All of which I am not. Well, all but one. Overprotective. I'll own the shit out of that one! I am a helicopter mother from hell. I won't deny that. Liam is my only kid. I am bound to smother him. He is the kid I wasn't supposed to have. Of course I am going to hover over him. He is MY kid, and if I chose to make it so that his pics can't be right clicked and saved by anyone, that is MY choice.

 When I started blogging I started out without his name or face. After a bit Pita asked me why I was doing that. He thought that parents may relate more to seeing a real face behind the struggles and triumphs. So that is when I decided to share my little man with the world. However, as his mother, it is still my job to protect him. I don't share pics of him unless he is dressed. I don't share pics of him that I wouldn't want to world to see of me. Well, with the exception of swimming pics. No one wants to see me swimming.....

 As for pics/graphics I make. Yes, I have had issues with large pages stealing my pics. Using them for likes. Cropping my name off. I am the first to admit that. But that is NOT why I disabled the right click feature here. You see, on my Legion facebook page, I have control over who is one there. If you're an ass, or rub me the wrong way, bye bye, I ban you,. It's my page after all. However, here, I don't have that control. Anyone and their sicko brother can access this blog. Which is why I am over protective.

 I am guessing Anon isn't a parent. I am guessing anon is a pompous ass. I am thinking anon is one person I know,  in particular. I could sit and assume all day, but let's face it,  why? Who has time for that?  My freshman science teacher teacher said it best when he said, "assume makes an ASS out of U and ME." Amen Mr. Salsman <3

 So no assuming here. Just righteous protection of my greatest creation. My son. If you don't like, don't visit my blog. Oh, and don't vote for me. I won't lose tears over it anon :)

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Woot Woot! Someone likes me ;)

  Stay at Home Crazy has donned me with the Liebster Award. How cool is that??? I feel so honored. She must really like me because last year she gave me this award too. (If you want to check that post out and see if anything has changed in a year, CLICK HERE.)  So now, in return, I have to follow through on what comes with the award.

                                                   And here is what the winners must do:

1. Thank the Liebster Award presenter(s) on your blog.
2. Link back to the blogger who presented it to you
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.  
4. Present the award to 5 or 11 blogs that deserve to be noticed.
5. Let them know they've been presented with the Liebster Award.
6. Answer 11 questions posed by the presenter. 
7. Eat some dark chocolate.  It has anti-oxidants in it.  It will cure what ails you.  Unless you are allergic to chocolate.  Then skip 7. 

So here goes........
   1) A huge thank you and much love to Stay at Home Crazy for this award. Muah!!!! Thanks to this award, I have a reason to blog..... Well I guess I have many reasons to blog, but lately putting my thoughts together is just not happening. I blame my gabapentin and FMS for this horrible brain fog!

2) ↑ I did that above, click her AUSOME blog name ↑

3) Yup, did that too. (see top of blog)

4) And now for my list of blogs: Wow, I have met so many wonderful ppl in just the last year of this.... So this list may be a bit long!

• Four Sea Stars
• Homestyle Mama with a Side of Autism
• Deciphering Morgan
• Spouse, Kids and Special Needs Aren't Things Issued in a Seabag
• To Autism With Love
• Captain Jacktastic
• Autism Family Circus
• Autism Art Project
• Fasten Her Seat Belt

5) I guess I will do that when I finish this post!

6) Here goes, bear with me!

       

1.  What, if anything, is completely off limits as far as blog topics for you?  NOTHING! I post what comes to mind, and about our life. I do leave my inlaws out of posts out of respect for their privacy. Other than that, it's fair game here!
2.  What is your favorite sound? That's easy! The sound of Liam ASLEEP ;) Or rain on a tin roof, I love that sound too!
3.  If you could go back and talk to your 15 year old self, what one piece of information/advice would you share? Don't talk to your parents like that! You will be a parent one day, and you will realize they aren't being "mean" they are loving you and doing what is best for you. You will HATE it when your child speaks to you like that! 
4. How did you end up doing what you do today? (If you're a SAHM, what made you choose that vs. going back to work? If you work a paying job, how did you end up in the field you are in?)  At first it was by choice. I was a SAHM while pita worked. Then he became injured and now I was a SAHM and a nurse. Then the older Liam got, and the more his behaviors increased there was no choice but for me to stay home. Especially once he wasn't able to attend public school. I then took on the role of his teacher as well. Now with my health problems, I really can't work. So I am a SAHM, a teacher and a nurse. My plate is FULL!
5. What is your guilty pleasure? A Nap! I love to take naps, and there are days I HAVE to nap bc the chronic fatigue part of my illness makes me unable to stay awake. I always feel guilty when I need to take a nap. Like I may miss something cute that Liam does, or I'm not giving him enough attention. (I know, cray cray!)
6.  What's your favorite candy? Anything chocolate! I LOVE chocolate! 
7.  What prompted you to start your blog? Our life. When the Dr. said Liam had autism, pita and I were blown away. It just wasn't on our radar. Then certain people started complaining I was using facebook too much to vent, ( I unfriended those a holes) so I started my blog so I could speak my mind. It actually was a great release for me at first. Free therapy ;)
8.  Do you have a favorite food? If so, what? Hawaiian Pizza, Pizza Hut stuffed crust supreme and chinese food ;)
9.  If you had to pick 1 thing to change about yourself, what would it be? My weight. Due to my illnesses I have put on a lot of weight. They are working to get my thyroid under control, but even then I am so tired and weak I don't leave my chair much unless it's housework or something Liam needs.
10.   What physical attribute do you like most about yourself? Seriously??? I have to answer this??? I guess my smile. I once had someone tell me that when I smiled, my whole face lit up..... So I guess if I had to chose, that is my choice :)
11.  Do you still live where you grew up? If not, how far away are you from your hometown? No, well kinda. I live about 20 minutes away from the first town we lived in. In the 5th grade we then moved to a neighboring town (where my parents still live) so I live about 35 minutes from there :) I would love to move back to Florida though. Living only 20-30 minutes from Clearwater beach was so nice! I miss it very badly!

That is it for me. And so I pass on the torch :)

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Don't Mess with Smokey!!!

  Smokey the Bear. An iconic mascot for our all of our state parks, was created in 1947. Growing up, Smokey taught us that "Only YOU can prevent forest fires." Well, to Liam "Moktey" (that's how he used to say Smokey) was a symbol that fun was ahead. Smokey stood at the entrance of our fave state park. When we would pull in, there stood Smokey, looming high above. To Liam, this meant we were there, fun would now ensue. Until the last time we went to the park......

2011

2012

(I have more, (they aren't on this computer) bc EVERY TIME we go, Liam MUST get his pic taken with Smokey!)

  We pulled up the road, and there was NO Smokey. Immediately Liam yelled, "Mama!!!! Where is SMOKEY!" He was NOT a happy camper. One thing we all know is how our kiddos rely on consistency. Change is NOT cool for them, and so, not cool for us as their parents. Thankfully Liam had a friend with him, so he somewhat controlled his anger over Smokey not being there to greet him. (The day however went on to get worse, as we waited for 3 hours, and NEVER got to swim due to thunder in the area.)

  So long story short, Liam was livid! Smokey wasn't there to greet him. Swimming wasn't allowed due to thunder. The whole day was a bust! Thankfully a very good friend of ours that lives close by let us bring the kiddos over for a swim, so that made Liam feel better.

  Jump ahead to yesterday. We have a family reunion at Mt. Pisgah. So as we pull up the road, Liam looks, and yells, "Mama! Smokey is back!!!!!" Wait for it......wait for it..... "MAMA!!!!! That is NOT MY Smokey!" You see, apparently Parks and Recreation felt Smokey needed to be updated. Don't they know that this spells trouble for autistic kids??? I mean, COME ON. How dare they think Smokey could get a make over and that would be cool!!!!! Liam was pissed to say the least. We skipped the photo opp and went to our picnic. Later, when we came back down to enjoy a swim, pita asked Liam if he was ready to get his pic with Smokey. "NO! That is NOT MY Smokey!"

  Pita and I went on to explain that it's the same Smokey, he just looks different. Well, that made no difference. Now he got upset because, "Do you mean that isn't MY Smokey? Because, that doesn't look like MY Smokey. He looks all different! I thought you said Smokey was REAL??? Well if he is, how come he doesn't look the same?????" Ugh, why does this kid have to pay so much attention to detail??? You can't pull wool over Liam's eyes!

  I told him Smokey is "real" in that he is the mascot for Parks and Recreation. He is a friend to all, and he just looks different because he wanted a make over. I don't think he bought it, but he did get out to get a pic with Smokey and Bubby......

As you can see by the look on his face.... he was NOT a happy camper!

I guess the lesson I learned from this incident, is that no matter how hard I try to control situations (as far as planning) and make sure Liam knows what is going on, and what is going to happen; (so he isn't caught off guard by change) sometimes, things happen that are out of my control, and he needs to learn how to roll with the punches. Dare I say it??  Pita was right!!!!  (I did, but shhhh, don't tell him)

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One small step.....

  What were the first words uttered on the moon??? We all know them. I use them in reference to when my kiddo does something huge. Let's face it, as special needs parents, any breakthrough in our homes mirrors those first steps on the moon taken by Neil Armstrong.

 Yesterday I was reading a recent post by my friend over at Deciphering Morgan, (click the page name to check that out) and she was telling about some firsts for her boys so far this summer. I was so proud of them, and I have never "met" them. But as a parent, a special needs one nonetheless, I was able to channel her joy in her boys' firsts and be happy for them and for her.

  Then later in the evening, my son had a breakthrough. It floored me, and my heart soared!!! Yesterday he was very out of whack. A bit moody and nasty due to being over tired, but God forbid he take a rest when I ask him to. (He is my energizer bunny, and if I could bottle that energy and sell it, I would become rich!!!) So later in the evening when we had finally come inside, he and his friend Abs were laying on the floor drawing.

  As usual, he was trying to control the situation, and telling her what she had to draw. I intervened, told him that wasn't fair, and compared it to when he gets angry when his art lessons tell him what he has to create. True art is never forced, and besides, who wants to be bossed around all the time??? Well, as usual I must have been speaking in Charlie Brown teacher language, and none of it sunk in. Before I knew it I heard a small thud and then quiet crying. I look to find Abs on the couch and Liam on the floor with a look of nasty on his face.

  I asked what happened, she didn't answer and he just scowled at me. I waited for a minute. I wanted to hear from her why she was crying. (she was over tired too, and quick to work up some tears, though I knew it was something Liam had done to set her off) She finally mustered in her cute, squeaky voice that he hit her with her my little pony. I let it sit for a minute, giving Liam a chance to think about what he had done. Before I  even got the chance to open my mouth and start the lecture, Liam comes up to me, tears filling his eyes, and he says, "mama, I need your help. I need something to make me not so angry!"

  What??? This is awesome! Not awesome that he hurt his friend, but awesome that he acknowledged he was at a boiling point and needed to simmer down. He crawled into my lap, and I asked him what he thought might help. He finally decided that 5 minutes in his body sock, would help to calm him down.

For those that aren't familiar with a body sock, here is a pic of Liam in his Skweezr. 

   He got up, told Abs he was sorry, (even gave her a quick hug) got his sock, went into the kitchen, crawled in, and started his 5 minutes. He rocked while he quietly counted, and he used a piece of paper to keep track of his counting. When he finished, he came back out and was as happy as can be. No issues the rest of the night. Well except for some ruminating, and agitation from not being able to clear his mind.

  I was and still am in utter shock that he recognized his need to calm down. I am normally the one who tells him this, and he gets more angry, and it often will escalate a situation. And so, as with any milestone that parents of typical kids may take for granted, us parents of special needs kids, or autistic kids, we take great pride in these milestones, these firsts. They are not only a big deal, they are a HUGE deal!!!

                                              Here's to the firsts, and many more to come!!!!

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Holy Farter's Day....yes, I said Farter's day....

  Ugh! Yes, I am starting a post with ugh, because ugh is how I feel! Today has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. It's 6 pm and I am done. D-O-N-E done!!!! Why you ask?? Well let me tell you.....

  It all started yesterday. Well yesterday is what lead to today's crappy day. Yesterday was actually great. It was my nephew Z's 9th birthday party. He had a bowling party. I was stoked for that as Liam has been bugging to try his hand at bowling. All the kiddos had a blast. They were all so well behaved and their smiles were the best! It was truly a great afternoon! Liam managed to make it through the loud party with no issues. Only towards the end of the party, when we went into the private room for pizza and cake did he have an issue.

Rockin' this thing called bowling..... He learned that it's quite different than with a Wii :D

  He couldn't go sit with the other kids because the smell of the pizza was gagging him. (There was a slice at each seat) So he laid on the floor and counted his prize tickets. Aunt "nanny" came to the rescue and cleared the pizza away so Liam could sit by Z. He was very happy about that. He even gave his prize tickets to Z so  he could get a better prize, and no tears over it either! I was one proud mama! After the party we took him to McDonald's for his burger and he rested in the car for the hour drive home......

A little overwhelmed....

We no sooner pulled onto our road and he was trying to get out of the van to see his buddy J. J and Liam have grown very close over the past few months, and Liam couldn't wait to get home and see him. Must be J couldn't either because he was running next to the van and yelling for Liam.  We stopped and Liam got out and he asked Pita if Liam could go with him to the truck pulls. Pita said that was fine, but he was going too, so they could all go together. Knowing how loud they are and knowing we had already had a full day of shopping, then bowling, and over 2 hours in the van, I wanted Liam to come in for some down time. That was out of the question and apparently I was absurd for suggesting it! So he went outside and played with J until it was time to leave.

Just before they were to leave he started to bawl. He wanted to go. He didn't want to go. He wanted mama to go. He didn't want mama to go. Mama didn't want to go!!!! (this is how his behavior starts when he is overwhelmed and it inevitably escalates to become worse.) I wanted ALONE time! After a few minutes I calmed him down. Reassured him he was only going to be 5 minutes from me, but if he wanted too, he could stay home. (the pulls are in the field just up from our house.) He was okay with that, and decided to go,  so he grabbed his ear muffs and the camera, gave me a sloppy smooch and was off!

Liam gazing at his bud, lol.... note the camera and ear muffs at his hip...always "repaired." (how he says prepared.)

It was great! I watched some old Dark Shadows on Netflix, snugged my fur baby girl even dozed off. They got in around 11. Liam wanted to watch a few TMNT cartoons and he was out my midnight. 

This morning he no sooner got up and the tears were flowing. EVERYTHING set him off! When we made daddy his "bed meal" (breakfast in bed) He cried because I "made it wrong!" Then he cried because he forgot to sign the envelope to daddy's card. He cried because he had to clean his toys up in the living. He cried because he didn't want to walk back to his toy room. Getting the picture here? By 11 he was outside playing with J and Abs. And I was glad I didn't have to listen to his whining in my ear!

Now the fun started. By 2 pm we had broken up 5 arguments. Liam was whiny. Neighbor kids were being mouthy jerks. I had sent 2 kids home and told them not to come back. Liam and the other 2 kept playing. Except now Liam was being mean to his friends. I had had enough. I went out and told the kids he was over stimulated and needed to come in for a break. I told them when he was done he would come get them. The tears from Liam started to flow! Thinking fast, I bribed him, errrr rather I positively reinforced a sensory break by promising he and his friends could make smores tonight. It worked!!!! Wow, I can't believe it worked!!!

He came in, got some shake (chocolate milk) and got in his skweezr as well as covered himself with his weighted blanket. He was out in 10 minutes! He slept til 5 when I woke him up. I know this means a late night for mama. But I don't care. He is happy. He is smiling. He is playing with Abs and being nice. So it's worth a late night! :) 

So even though this day has really been crappy, it seems to be headed back in the right direction. (Knocking on some wood so I don't jinx my damn self!) 

I hope that all the daddy-o's, and mamas that are also daddy-o's had a great "Farter's" day. I hope it was better than pita's tear filled, scream filled day ;)

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Auditory processing can suck it!

God bless my sweet boy!!! Auditory processing really kicks his butt. (if you're new to the world of Autism, just click here for more info on what it is. Many kiddos with ASD often have issues processing what they hear.) I am seeing it more and more recently. Just this morning as I was giving him his spelling test it was the worst I had ever seen it.

 Each time we would move to the next word, I would say, "great bud! Okay next," and then say the next word. Every single time, he would start to spell 'next.'  When I give him a test, I make him stand in front of me. That way he is less fidgety and he focuses better. But how in the hell do I help him process what is being said to him better? He was getting so angry he was pulling his own hair and punching his head. He knows the words. He gets 100 % almost every time. Yet if I weren't paying attention, and reading him the words, making him spell them, and then writing them for him, where would he be??? It's so much harder on him to say the word and have him write it himself. That throws him off even worse. Also, this kid has the memory of an elephant but if you don't break a word down into sounds he can't process it. Is this normal in kids learning to read and spell? Or is this more of the godforsaken auditory processing? 

 I'm not a teacher. I didn't go to college. I'm an artist. A self taught, "retired" tattoo artist to be precise. I am no expert on this stuff. I am not stupid, but I'm also not trained on how to teach a child, let alone a special needs kiddo. The only one up I really have is I know my kid better than anyone. I know how to adapt

to his needs, but I also wonder if I am adapting too much???? I  want to make sure he is challenged but not to the point of him punching himself out of frustration.  I know he knows the words. When I give him his words for the week I don't spell them. I sound them out and he spells them then reads them back. I quiz him the next day and he gets them all. However it's more of the same. I say the word and I have to sound out each letter separate or else he gets all confused and flips out......(unless it's blends, then I can sound them apart and he gets it.) Another thing about it that baffles me is, he knows his alphabet, but if I ask him what sounds certain letters make, he gets all confused, and will give me the wrong answer at least half a dozen times, then all of a sudden, he will SCREAM the correct answer at me, like it's my fault. For instance, the letter w, when you ask him how it sounds, he ALWAYS says it says, WHY...... just like the word. Same for the letter U, when I ask him what sound it makes, he says, YA. He knows it's u as in up, or umbrella, but at first he will say YA, and after he repeats that a few times, he then yells the correct U sound at me.... I just am not sure how to go about treating this for him. As far as the school is concerned, because his IQ is so high, he doesn't "qualify" for any special ed classes. And because his deficits aren't "severe enough," he doesn't qualify for any therapies. He has been done with speech for awhile now. They didn't even work on his stuttering, only on his mispronunciations of sounds. (which they did a great job with)

 So I am not really sure what to do. I get it. I mean, I know when I say something to Liam (like a directive) I can't expect him to get what I said immediately. I need to give him time to process what is being said. But how do I teach him to spell or even read appropriately if I have to sound everything out for him? When am I doing too much??? Is there something I am missing here???

photo courtesy of  http://www.lanc.org.uk/related-conditions/auditory-processing-difficulties/

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