Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

    If you or someone you love lives with mental illness, then I'm sure you know this feeling. When a cycle is creeping upon you or your loved one, you know it's coming. Any day, they or you, will spiral into Hell. The signs are there....but there's nothing you or anyone else can do....

My boy on an even keel, spinning, stimming, and smiling. <3

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

    That's what it's like for us. As his parents, we sit back, and we wait. Because we know, that any day it's coming. The deep, dark, depressive cycle. The one that steals the glimmer from his eyes, the smile from his face, and the hope from his heart.

    He powers through the little cycles every month, but in the spring and fall, the big ones come. It never fails. It's always waiting. Lurking. Taking it's time. Ready to pounce. To leech into his life. Each time, stealing a little more innocence from my beloved boy.

The Signs

    I've noticed he's been slowly coming down for the last week. More apt to cry for no apparent reason. Commercials and songs on tv making him shed tears. We're back to muting the tv again. (Especially the damn tiger commercial!) Sleeping ALL.THE.TIME. This child rarely sleeps. But in the past week, we have to make him get up. Literally fight him to get up, and play or do art, or anything other than sleep.

Snuggling with his fur cousin Velvet <3

    Video gaming is usually a reprieve for him. But not now. A simple loss sends him spiraling into sobs. He's head banging again too, and not to our beloved rock music either. I mean, he's getting so upset that he bangs his head for "relief from the thoughts." 

    These little signs are how I know the big one is coming. He does too. He can sense it. He feels it. He asks me, "How bad do you think it will be mama? Do you think it will be over fast? I don't want to lose a month of my life again."

    Thoughts from an ELEVEN year old boy

     A boy that struggles to make sense of life as it because he lives on the autism spectrum. He also fights this demon we call mental illness. More specifically he fights Pediatric Bipolar Disorder. 

    My son really is a superhero. Sans cape of course (except for the days when he dons his Batman one.) But he won't. Not until this cycle subsides. 

    You see, people on the spectrum perseverate. That means they have one thought, repeatedly. Day in and day out. Now add in the horrible thoughts of wanting to die from mental illness. Those fleeting thoughts don't leave. Now they are all he can think of. They play on repeat in his little mind, all day, all night. I can't imagine how that must be for him.

A Plan

    For now we live each day in waiting. Making mental notes of every sign, so we know when to jump into action.

    We have to have a plan. Up until now if he became too suicidal, it would mean a four hour ride in an ambulance to the closet mental unit that takes peds. Now however, he's "old enough" for the local behavioral science unit. I'm not really sure if that should make me feel better. Because my eleven year old boy would be in a ward with adults fighting the same battle. My baby. My world.

Suicide Watch

    Suicide watch is coming. We make sure all scissors or kitchen knives are hidden. He isn't left alone for more than a few moments. And yes, that means even in the bathroom. Because all it takes is a moment. It also means that I will now be sleeping in the living room with him. Someone has to be by his side at all times. No comfy bed. No good night's sleep. Not now. Not for awhile. This is our life. This is autism and mental illness. 

    This life isn't easy. For him, it's even harder. So on a bad day, take a moment and remember it could always be worse. 

    And if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please ask for help. I know, it's not always easy. Most often, my son doesn't ask either. But there are people who want to help. You can even message me if you need it ( alegionforliam@gmail.com ). But please, reach out.

Hyperacusis, Autism, and HearMuffs

     Hyperacusis is very common among autistics. You may not have heard of it by the medical name, but simply put, it's auditory sensitivities. It's hard to enjoy the world around you if certain noises or pitches actually hurt you.

Hyperacusis, Autism, and HearMuffs

    Liam was always sensitive to certain noises. I will never forget the time we were downtown to visit the craft store, and a bunch of semis were coming up main street. We were crossing the street up further, and suddenly he ripped his hand out of mine, fell to the ground, and shielded his ears with his hands.

    Thankfully at five years old, he was still small enough that I could scoop him and carry him to side walk quickly. That was a very scary moment, and one of my first learning experiences along our autism journey. (He wasn't diagnosed until he was five years old, so his Dx was fairly new when this happened.)

So What Do We Do?

    Children (and adults) on the Autism Spectrum that experience Hyperacusis often shield their ears to certain sounds, frequencies, or pitches. Often they will not go to certain places where these offensive noises happen. (For years, Liam struggled in the checkout lane of the grocery store. The beep of the scanner was excruciating for him.) Avoiding public places can socially isolate the autistic, but there is help.

    Hearing protection. A good pair of ear muffs will make their life so much better! By blocking out those painful noises, the wearer can once again enjoy the world around them.

HearMuffs by Lucid Audio

    Liam loves his HearMuffs by Lucid Audio. As his mom, I love them too. Not only are they comfortable for him to wear, but they're made with non-toxic, kid safe materials. HearMuffs are Audiologist recommended too! 

     These ear muffs feature an industry leading 22 Noise Reduction Rating (NRR.) That means they will protect their ears from not only painful, but also loud noises. Liam wears his if we're going somewhere that he knows bothers his ears. They're also handy for when he goes to the tractor pulls, mud bogs, and amusement parks. 

    They look cool too, so there's no worry of your older kids not wanting to wear them. HearMuffs come in a variety of colors. You can choose from orange, red, blue, pink, white, and more.

Kids and Younger 

    HearMuffs comes in different sizes too. The kids HearMuffs are for kids ages five to ten years old. Liam is almost twelve, and they fit him well since they're adjustable. However, if your child is younger, Lucid Audio also has HearMuffs for them too!

     To learn more, and see all of their products, visit Lucid Audio.  Right now you can SAVE 15% off your HearMuffs! Use coupon code hearmuffs15 at checkout! 

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Top Five Foods in the Autism Community

    I think one of the most common things I see in our community is how hard it is to get our kids to eat. Textures, tastes, smells, and even colors can affect what your child will eat. So I wondered, are there common foods among our kids?

Top Five Foods in the Autism Community

    I'm friends with countless autism families. I follow even more of them on Facebook. So over the years I've been taking notes on what foods are the most commonly tolerated among our kids. Because let's face it, they need to eat. So we need to know what to offer.

1.) Chicken Nuggets

     I honestly don't think I've ever met or read about an autism kid that didn't love to eat chicken nuggets. The brands may vary, and some only eat Gluten Free ones, but in general, they love chicken nuggets.

    My kid will only eat them from McDonald's, Burger King, or KFC. He refuses all store bought or even home made nuggets. But at least he's eating meat!

2.) Cereal

    I've seen a lot of autie kiddos that live off of cereal. My son and my nephew love it, but it has to be DRY. No milk! As a matter of fact, my son could eat cereal every day, all day. However, the types vary. For a few months it will be Cocoa Pebbles. Then once there's a sale and I stock up, they suddenly taste funny to him. Then we're onto the next kind. That ranges from Fruit Loops, Apple Jacks, Rice Chex or Cheerios.

3.) Pizza

    It seems that tons of autistic kids and adults alike love pizza. Again, brand and toppings vary. I personally love pizza, but like I said, only from certain places. If it's store bought, I will only eat Sam's Choice.

    My son won't touch it. Never has. He hates red sauce. Loathes it. He also hates foods touching so to him, pizza is a sensory nightmare.

4.) French Fries

    Number four on this list is fries. It seems that autistic kids love fries. In this house they have to be only fries from McDonald's. Liam will touch no other type of french fries. I however love fries from anywhere. The more grease and salt, the better.

5.) Fruit Snacks

    So this may not actually count as a food group, but some have real fruit in them, so I'm counting them. Liam will only eat Welch's fruit snacks, but since they have real fruit, I'm good with that. Autistic kids seem to love these chewy and fruity bites. If you think about it, they're great sensory input too. That squishy texture in your mouth is very fulfilling if you're a sensory seeker.

So tell me, did any of the foods in your autism home make the list? If not, what would you add?

Let's Talk About Impulse Control and Autism

Impulse control has always been an issue with my little man. Now that he's getting older, it's getting even harder to help him restrain himself from acting out on impulse. This causes many issues. Let's discuss some of these issues, then we will move on to more about Impulse Control, and some ways we as parents and relatives can try and help our children.

People see this as bad behavior.

    While I really don't care what people think of me, I do care what they think of my children. To the untrained eye, my autie acting out impulsively looks a lot look he's misbehaving. In all actuality, he just can't help himself.

Other people think that reprimanding my child is helping.

    Family, friends, even strangers whom think they are helping will often times try correcting the child. Don't. All you're going to do is cause more guilt for the child. Preaching to the child about what they've just done is only adding more guilt to something they had no control over in the first place. If you want to help, try redirecting the child, or distracting the child. (Ie: Susie grabbed the kitten even though she was asked not to. Don't yell at her. Don't preach to her. Simply tell her the kitten is off limits, and then gravitate her attention towards something else.)

Think before speaking

    This is especially an issue in our home. Our eldest son has moved back home for a bit, and he rarely thinks before he speaks. (Much like Liam, lol.) For example, Liam will be getting on his nerves and he'll say, "go ahead, hit me if it makes you feel better." He's saying it in jest, trying to make light of a tense situation. However, all Liam hears is, "go ahead, hit me." He doesn't pick up on the social cues. He doesn't get the joke. Now Liam is swinging like a pro baseball player at his brother. Brother is angry, and Liam is upset because in his mind, he's doing what he was told. Now his brother, and often times his dad are yelling, because to them, Liam is acting out. It becomes monotonous having to break up conflicts like this. Conflicts that can be avoided if people just took more time to understand Autism and impulse controls. (I'm not saying my husband and son don't understand. They do. Hubby is always trying to keep the peace, and our eldest is out of practice as he's never lived here full time, so he's not completely up to par on our Autism world.)

Now that we've discussed some problems that arise from Impulse Control, let's talk about what it is. 

Impulse Control is the failure to resist an urge or temptation. Simply put, it's a thought that comes into one's mind, and the person then acts on it. There are five stages to impulse control. They are: 

Knowing the stages, what are some ways to help children learn from it, or even to help diminish the impulses?

Don't just focus on what the person did wrong, but also on what they should have done.

    So your child acted on impulse. Depending on what it was they acted on, you may or may not yell. It's okay, because NONE of us are perfect. That being said, try to remain calm. It's okay to tell the child what they did wrong, but make sure you also let them know what they should have done. Try to keep their attention. You don't have to force eye contact (trust me, they will zone out on you if you do,) but ask them questions to see if they understood what you said to them.

Work on listening skills

    This is HUGE in my home. If you are giving your child numerous instructions, they are only going to hear part of it, and start acting out that part. For example, if Liam has to clean his room, I have to say, "Pick up all your dirty clothes, then come back." After he does that, I will move on to the next directive. If you tell your child or the individual a few things at once, you are bogging down their brain. BREAK IT DOWN. I promise you, this works. I have been doing this for Liam for years, and he works so well when others do the same for him.

Repeat back

    Another great hint is to have the person repeat back what you asked them. That way you know they know what to do. This works great for when you want to expand on their directives. I do this when I give Liam two instructions. It helps him process more.

Practice waiting

   Yes, practice waiting. Waiting is especially hard for those on the spectrum. My son and I both hate to wait. (We're working on it.) A good way to practice is to use visuals. Find a symbol for wait, and then a reward symbol. Start out slow. Have them wait five minutes, or even two, quietly. Then they get the reward. (Whether it be stickers, screen time, whatever works.) Over time, you can expand the time. 

Make it a game

    Believe it or not, many childhood games are great ways to practice impulse control and waiting. Simon Says is perfect because the child has to wait on instructions from Simon, and is only supposed to do what Simon says. Follow the Leader, Red Light Green Light, and Duck Duck Goose, are all great games to practice impulse control.

Get the wiggles out

    Give them sensory input. A lot of sensory seekers lack impulse control because their bodies are always on the go. Giving these children appropriate sensory input will help keep their bodies in check, and may reduce some impulses. 

Work on emotions

    Teaching our children emotions helps as well. For example, acknowledging that some things cause anger is okay, but acting on that anger physically isn't. Talk about way to address that anger. Liam's BSC and us, are actively working on this with Liam as well. When he gets angry, all impulse control fails. Frustration is another one. Thinking of ways to help your child deal with frustration and giving them tools to use will help decrease frustration induced IC. 

In conclusion

    These are just some of the things that we are actively doing to help Liam control his impulses. What are some ways that have worked for you?

The System is Failing Our Children

How is it that the systems put in place to help or protect our children are actually failing them? 

    We live in Pennsylvania. Liam was diagnosed on the spectrum six years ago. (In the years following, many diagnoses would follow.) At that time, our state case worker suggested we file for SSDI. We have filed, been denied, appealed, been denied, on and off for those six years.

    This year when we went into our caseworker to review his benefits we were told to file again. We called the SSI office and asked for paperwork. In the meantime, I get this letter in the mail.

   Okay, so first of all, what in the heck is the DAP and why in God's name have I just now been informed of it? We've been battling the state for Liam's rights for SIX years. All this time the Disability Advocacy Program of Pa never once stepped in. Not once.

    Suddenly, here they are, telling me if I DON'T file for him that I AM IN VIOLATION. What about them? As you can see, they clearly state that "Liam is considered a person with Disabilities." Yet, year after year, case after case, this very state denies him.

    Now let that sink in.

    I would be in violation for not filing, but they aren't for denying? How does that work? So last night, I spent a couple more hours filling out the same forms, and booklets that I have done in the past. All for them to tell me he isn't "disabled enough."

    Okay. Then why can't he attend a traditional school? Why are you, the state of Pa, helping to pay for me to not work, in order to care for, and to school him myself? Why does his school have him in numerous therapies for Speech, OT, and PT. How can you deny the fact that NUMEROUS doctors have diagnosed him with so many conditions, three of which automatically qualify him for SSDI?

    Why is it that systems put in place to help our children, aren't. (Remember, we've been filing for six years, and just NOW we're being told there's an agency that helps with that.) Yet, the only help they have given is to tell me I could be in violation. Gee, thanks Pennsylvania!

    Our children fight so hard to find their place in this world. They fight to over come their obstacles, and to face their challenges. As parents, we help them with these battles. We also try our very best to make sure all of their needs are met. Yet, the systems put in place to help them, don't. Instead they fail them, and us as well.

   

   

Eminem Helped my Speech Delayed Son

    Yes, you read that right. Eminem.

Before I go any further: **DISCLAIMER** This post is in no way endorsing that Eminem will help your child speak better. I am merely relating OUR experience.

    I digress. So, my son is on the Autism spectrum. He actually spoke early, but was super hard to understand. We were translators for years, and sometimes still are. I was told when he was 5 that even though he spoke, it was still considered a speech delay.

    Let me take a minute and say THANK YOU to the two women who have been my son's SLP's. He's been in speech therapy since he was 5. People can finally understand what he's trying to say, and he's doing much better with context. However, he sometimes stutters, and still has issues with some words. This is where we feel Eminem has helped.

    I love music. We have always exposed him to all forms. (Hearing your 2 year old sing Jailhouse Rock, is adorable. Even if it was hard to understand what he said.) When he turned 7 he decided that his favorite was Eminem. He LOVED to listen to him rap. I downloaded all the CLEAN versions I could find and filled his tablet.

    Liam would listen to the same song, repeatedly, all day. If it came on in the car he would screech until everyone was quiet so he "could rap." Little by little, he was getting it. If you're a fan of Eminem, you know how fast that man can speak. He also speaks very clearly so you can tell what he's actually saying. This was great for my son.

    While Liam can't keep up with all his songs, there have been a select few he has nailed. Of course, they are his faves, and I really couldn't count how many times he has listened to them. Practiced them, rehearsed them.

    We were headed to Vestal today and he asked for "his" Eminem. I obliged. It wasn't long before Pita and I were tuning out Eminem, so we could hear our son singing. He nailed it. EVERY word. (Except for the curse words since they're spun out. ;) )

    To hear a boy who was once so hard to understand, speak so clearly, so fluently, and with such confidence, well, it warmed my heart. Warmed Pita's too. I commented quietly on how much Eminem's music has helped him, and he agreed.

    15 years ago, while listening to "Slim Shady," I never thought that my future son would be such a huge fan. I also never thought that Eminem would be helping my son to speak better. Funny how life works.

    Therapies come in all forms. In so many ways. Something that may seem like a kid, just listening to music, could be a child learning to speak better.

    I give you, Liam.... (recorded and uploaded with his permission)

If He Doesn't Care, Then Why Do I?

  It's a gorgeous spring day here in Northeastern Pa. I stand in my kitchen, in front of the window, preparing
baked potatoes for dinner. I gaze out of the window in a bit of a daze. The time change is still wreaking havoc
on mine and Liam's sleep schedule.

  I see all the neighborhood kid outside playing. Smiling. Yelling. Laughing. Playing together and having a
blast. My heart sinks. My son isn't outside having fun. He hasn't been asked to take part in the games being
played. He sits in the other room, on his computer. Googling and reading about edible and non edible
plants.

  I feel my eyes begin to swell with tears, and I move my work further down the counter. This way, I can't stare
out  the window. In that moment, rational thought takes hold. Liam is happy. He is doing something he likes, and
he's having fun. He's also learning, and it's not forced learning. 

                                So why am I so sad?

  I enjoy time to myself. I would much rather be alone, with a good book or creating something, than to be outside
with a bunch of people, wondering when I should speak, or fearing I may cut someone off unintentionally. I think
that sometimes, as parents, we see what all the other kids are doing, and we long for our children to be taking
part in that too. That doesn't always make them happy.

  Yes, there are times when Liam longs to be included, and that is truly heart breaking. But in moments like these,
when he is perfectly happy being himself, and doing his own thing, why do I long for him to be included, where he
doesn't care to be?

  Sometimes I think that we need to step back. We need to assess the situation, and we need to think.
Is our child happy? Does he/she care that they are alone? Why do I care? If my child doesn't care, then neither
should I.

  So I asked him if he wanted to go outside and play. His answer? "No mama! I'm learning about plants here!"

  Matter of fact, just yesterday as we came into the neighborhood on our way home from town, there were kids playing outside. Liam commented nonchalantly, "Now that all these kids don't like me, or are mad at me, they don't ask me to play. But that's okay. I don't have to worry about anybody bein' mean to me."


  From the mouths of babes folks. Sometimes, the best advice comes from the mouths of babes.

A Mom's Insight on Pediatric Bipolar Disorder

My son is autistic. Autism is on the forefront of many media outlets nowadays, so you know what that is. He also suffers from a mental illness. I'm not talking about autism here. I'm talking about pediatric bipolar disorder.

I'm sure you've heard of it. You've probably even heard it joked about. Did you know it affects kids too? Well it does. It steals away moments of their childhood and rips out their parents hearts.

Children who suffer from BPD differ from that of most adults afflicted with it, because they cycle so rapidly. (Cycling is when they switch from mania to depression and so on) *refer to chart* These cycles can occur numerous times in one day.

Have you ever seen the meme that said, "How much do you charge for a ride on your mood swings?" I used to think that was funny. Now I find it offensive. Maybe because I watch my child swing between moods so frequently some days.

Here's the break down of mania vs depression:

Symptoms of mania include:

• euphoria (elevated mood)—silliness or elation that is inappropriate and impairing
• grandiosity
• flight of ideas or racing thoughts
• more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
• irritability or hostility when demands are not met
• excessive distractibility
• decreased need for sleep without daytime fatigue
• excessive involvement in pleasurable but risky activities (daredevil acts, hypersexuality)
• poor judgment
• hallucinations and psychosis

Symptoms of depression include:

•  lack of joy and pleasure in life
• withdrawal from activities formerly enjoyed 
• agitation and irritability
• pervasive sadness and/or crying spells
• sleeping too much or inability to sleep
• drop in grades or inability to concentrate
• thoughts of death and suicide
• fatigue or loss of energy
• feelings of worthlessness
• significant weight loss, weight gain or change in appetite

Being a woman, we know how mood swings can be. We live with PMS every month. But this is different. More extreme. A person/child with BPD will go from laughing, and incessantly talking your ear off, to angry, crying, screaming, and so on. They can become violent too. Take 3 or more of those symptoms above, and they happen all at one time. Then the child will cycle to other end. (refer back to arrow chart)

(Now add that to autism. It's quite explosive some times)

People have asked me if I was ever afraid OF my child. No. NEVER. I'm afraid FOR my child. Stereotypes. Negativity towards mental illness. Misinformation of these illnesses especially in children doesn't help either. 

My hope is that by reaching out, exposing myself, sharing our life, I can help spread the word. I hope that even ONE person reads this, and says, "I'm not ashamed of my mental illness!" So they can help by spreading the word. 

I want to help make that change for mental illness awareness. Pediatric mental illness awareness. 

My son is almost nine. We are starting to have more rough days than good. We're working on finding medications that help his BPD and don't hinder him in general. It's not easy. It's rough on him. Rough on us. We've been faced twice with the possibility of hospitalizing him. (once when he was 5 and last spring, he was 7) The nearest psychiatric hospital that can take children is FOUR hours away! So not only do we need more people speaking out about mental illness in children, we need more service providers in all areas. Parents facing the decision of having to admit their children to psychiatric hospital, shouldn't be faced with the worry of how far away it is. (That was a HUGE concern for us. My son has major anxiety issues and can't be away from me for any amount of time.)

I try to talk about BPD every chance I get. I try to reach out and let people know what it is. How it affects my son, myself and our family.  To protect him, and do his story justice, I ALWAYS ask what I can post, and what he wants to keep secret. He almost ALWAYS lets me post his "story" exactly how it happens. He's quite the advocate for a child.

But I find myself holding back. I ask myself why all the time. I'm a very upfront and blunt person. I hold back though because there is such a negative stereotype surrounding mental illness, and I'm afraid people will peg my son as something he's not. After all, first and foremost he's a little boy. A little boy with a lot on his plate, but a little boy none the less.

We've already dealt with bullies. Sometimes on a daily basis because of where we live. We had to pull him from school because they didn't have the patience to be kind to him. We've been in and out of therapies, social skills groups (autism) and so on. Through it all, he keeps on. He wears a smile and he is such a fun loving kid. He has taught me so much! On days where I can't take BPD any more, and I start to cry, I think of how it must feel for him. He has to fight his own mind. I don't. I just have to be there for him. I just have to be his mom.

 Whether or not you know someone afflicted with bipolar, try to educate yourself on it a bit. Teach your children to be kind and accepting of the kids that don't seem quite like them. Teach your children to speak kindly to everyone, no matter how different they seem. 

Also, if you think you or someone you love may be suffering with bipolar disorder, PLEASE speak to your doctor. Do not be afraid. Do not be ashamed. None of us are perfect. We all have a battle to fight, yours is just different than mine.

Some days are hard, others just suck

    I try, so very hard, not to let life get me down. We have been dealt a hard hand, but we persevere. It's life, and that's what you do. But I would be lying if I didn't admit there are days that kick me in the gut. Steal my breath, and stop my heart.

    I give you the good, the bad and the ugly. I don't sugar coat. I won't. I will respect my son, and his privacy as much as I can, while still trying to share our struggle, his struggle, so that others know they aren't alone. And so I don't lose my mind by bottling it up inside.

    Not long ago I spoke of his psychiatrist upping his medications (about 2 months ago) and how that wasn't kosher. It had adverse effects and he needed to be dropped back down to the lower dose. The wait list was hell, and until that time I took him off. I had too. It was either have a hyper, loud, stimmy child, or a child that was either crying or aggressive. I chose "normal" Liam.

    After 2 weeks, we saw the psych and he dropped it back down to the first dose. He asked me if I wanted to take him off completely. I thought that seemed odd, since Liam did so well on the low dose. So I told him no, just the lower one.

   That was over a week ago. The low dose is now affecting him like the higher dose was. Dr. S said this could happen with a dual diagnosis of autism and bipolar (and ADHD, and then some.) He said that sometimes treating one will make the other worse.

    He was right. So I took him off. I won't let him live that way. When your 8 year old BEGS you NOT to take his meds because, "They make me feel bad momma," you stop, and you listen.

    As I sit here tonight, and I see him sitting on the couch, I am broken hearted. He's not playing. He's not talking. He doesn't want anyone to bother him. He is refusing to play with his older brother. (who isn't here often, (he's 18 and how dare he have a life ;) )) and when he is here, Liam NEVER leaves him alone.) He is merely a shell of the boy that I once knew.

    It's not fair. It's not right. He is EIGHT years old. Why in the world does he have to deal with this? Why does his life have to be so hard? I always try to see the positive in life, but today I see none of that. Today I see a little boy who has more on his plate than those three times his age.

    Yes, I'm thankful for my son. For our lives, and for waking up to his beautiful face every morning. But I am pissed that this life has to be so hard for him. For me. For his father. Being a parent is tough. Being a parent that has no control over your child's life is even tougher. I can't make the Bipolar go away. I can't take away the pain. I can't make the cycles stop. Autism has nothing on Bipolar. Bipolar is evil and it robs my son of the happy life he deserves.

   Today I'm wallowing. Tomorrow I will get up and I will kick Bipolar's arse. For my son. Because nothing else matters, and he deserves to be happy.
 

Exclusion Rips My Heart Out

I sit at the kitchen table. Peeling and slicing apples for pie. Liam
is in the other room, happily playing games on the computer.
He's quiet. He's happy. I'm enjoying the "down" time.

I gaze out the window at the freshly falling snow. I admire the beauty
of the trees covered in  white fluff. I begin to hear
children laughing. Children screaming. Children having fun. Then I see
all the neighborhood children, dragging sleds and
embarking on the trek to the hill. They are going sledding.

A tear creeps from my eye, and I wipe it before it rolls into the
apples. Before I know it, it's followed by more. I am crying.
Silently I weep, while in the other room, my son has no clue as to my pain.

No one knocks on our door to ask Liam to play. No one thinks of
including him. This rips my heart out. Today Liam has no clue.
Other days he asks, "Momma, how come I always ask kids to play (sled) with me, but how come they don't ask me to play (sled) with them?"

You see, he knows. He knows he's not included. He knows he's
different. He knows the other children know this.

So even though, at this moment it isn't phasing him, it's enraging me.

I shove the feelings down. I bury them deeper. Liam begins chatting
about his game. His current perseveration is this game, so it's all he talks
about. I start to wash the dishes.

Now the children are heading home. Still laughing. Still happy.
Walking through my yard to get home. They don't need to walk
through my yard. It's actually the long way home.

I want to scream at them. I want to tell them to get the hell out of
my yard. But I don't.

I don't because they are just kids. Even though these are the kids
that call my child an "autistic r-word." Even though these are the kids
that call him gay. Even though these are the very same kids that make
our lives hell in the warmer months, I don't say a word.

I keep quiet because it does no good. I keep quiet because they are a
product of their environment. I keep quiet because they are kids. Just kids.

I have reached out to them. To their parents. It does no good. They
still bully my child. So, even though I know my son is
better off NOT playing with them, it still rips my heart out.

To have a child who's not wanted. Not included. Not cared about. It
hurts. It rocks you to your core, and it hurts like hell.

This life isn't always easy. For them, or for us. But we need to keep
on, because some things will never change.

I put a smile on my face and I move on. I push the anger down, for
another day. Because today I don't have the strength to
face it. Today, I just want to smile.

Sensory Stocking Stuffer Ideas for a buck!

    If you read my letter to a Good Samaritan, then you know what our financial situation is. Let's face it, money is tight for everyone. We have to save it where we can.

    One way I do that is by shopping at our local Dollar Tree. I'm sure you all have one in your town. They have EVERYTHING! Am I right?

    What some people don't know is all the sensory stuff they have there. Okay, pet peeve of mine is places that sell "sensory items" for an arm and a leg when you can get the same thing, or something similar for next to nothing else where.

    So what I decided to do was to go online and collaborate a list of sensory items that would make great stocking stuffers for the seeker in your life.

**NOTE: My Dollar Tree actually has even more sensory items such a "floam" and pop toobs, but I couldn't find them on their web site. Also, not EVERY Dollar Tree has the same things, so products may vary in your store. You can order online, but the lowest quanity was 6 of each item**

Without further ado, here it is!

Check out all these AUSOME items! One thing I want to point out is Theraputty. That stuff is pricey! Why not buy some putty from the Dollar Tree, and add your own items to it for kids to manipulate?

Here's a break down with links to make this even easier for you.

    Spring Toy (Slinky)

Stretchy Fidget Balls

Liam's favorite sensory item!

Fruit Scented Balls

A toy to squeeze and a toy to smell ;)

Bouncing Putty

Liam LOVES this stuff. I always have it on hand!

Super Putty

Also a favorite of Liam's

Dough (play dough)

Who doesn't love play dough?

Fuzzy Monster Friends

How cute are these guys?

So there ya have it. A ton of sensory fun for just a few bucks. Head to your local Dollar Tree and see what goodies you can find!

**Dollar Tree did NOT pay me for this post. I am just trying to help out other Special Needs Parents**

A slap in the face....

    I don't like being slapped in the face. Physically or metaphorically. Yet, this is life and let's face it, it happens to ALL of us. Today my slap in the face was delivered through the phone.

    If you follow me, you know how I am about the phone. I don't answer. I don't call out on it. When it rings I become anxious. Why you ask? Because the older I get the MORE socially awkward I become. I get so anxious when I'm on the phone. I don't know when I should speak. I'm afraid of cutting someone off. I run out of things to talk about. Or the most annoying, my fibro fog takes over my brain and I forget what I was saying altogether! I digress.

    The phone rang today. I let it go to the machine (yes, we still have a machine. I refuse to pay for voicemail that I also hate to check) and heard it was Liam's cyber school psychologist. I was expecting this phone call, so that really helped. I answered and we began chatting.

   Side Note: I have been home schooling Liam since kindy. (Those that have followed our journey know that he only attended 4 days of kindy at which time we had to pull him due to a total autistic regression. He was officially diagnosed right after that.)

    She was returning my phone call because we have been playing email tag for a month or more. Liam has been reversing letters and numbers from the time he was a toddler and learning to write. They told me it was nothing to worry about. It would correct with age and was normal. However, our life isn't "normal," so of course, it has only gotten worse. Not only does he invert his numbers, write them backwards, and write his letters backwards, but when he writes, he starts at the BOTTOM and works UP. I correct him. He gets upset. "This is how I have to do it mommy!" Thus the reason for contacting the school.

   Moving on, the metaphorical slap is coming. So the psych and I talked about the pics I have sent her of his writing. She said there was no real "test" for dysgraphia and dyscalculia, only dyslexia. Then she went on to say, that judging by his reading comprehension scores, and by the writing samples, they believe him to have a reading/writing learning disability.

                                       There's that slap!

    I don't care who you are. If you tell me that hearing those words spoken about your child ISN'T, a slap in the face, then you're full of shit! I KNOW he has problems. I am with him 24/7. But HEARING it from another person, or SEEING it on an IEP is a whole other story.

     This child excels in math. To the point that it amazes me. His vocabulary and verbal context is amazing. (as long as it's a good day. on bad days, not so much)  He can also read great. Just don't expect him to be able to tell you WHAT he read. He can't. He just can't.

    So even though I knew this. Even though I expected to hear something along these lines, it still hurt. It seems like every damn time we turn around, someone is adding another label to him. I sit and wonder, how much one little boy can over come. How much until he breaks? How long until I can't teach him any more? What if I HAVE To send him back to brick and mortar school?

   Anyway,  he is now being re-evaluated by an OT and will be receiving services from a NEW OT. The one he has been working with assures me, "his writing looks fine to me." Yeah, okay lady. It looks great. Check it out!

NOTE: I'm NOT posting this to humiliate or demean my son. I am posting this because she is an Occupational Therapist and yet she sees NOTHING wrong with his writing. This is just a taste of it. Some are so much worse, but for his sake, I will not post them.

















   Oh and they are going to get him a talk to text program for the computer. Also, they are adding hours of OT for him too. This is great. Not as far as money goes because we all know that gas prices are ridiculous. We live in a rural community and travel 30 minutes one way to receive services. But he needs these services and like always, we will find a way. Our job is to make sure he gets what he needs to help him be a successful adult. And we will never give up that fight. Hurtful labels or not. <3

The Look

     Have you ever been out in public, talking to someone about your child's autism, and they give you the look. Or you run into a high school chum and when they ask you what you've been up to, and you tell them, "the autism life," and they give you that look?

     You know what look I mean. The "wow, I'm so sorry," look. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to condemn someone for having a heart. But that look! It makes my stomach flip, my heart skip a beat and for a split second, makes me angry.

             Hey, I'm only human.
 They are my feels and they are real.

I'm not trying to knock someone for being empathetic. I mean, yes, I would much rather you have empathy for our family, than for you be afraid of us, or hate us. But, it still hurts. It's still a blow.

    So I was thinking. Do me a favor. Do other autism or special needs parents a favor. Look at us with admiration. Look at my child and think, "Damn! That kid is kicking autism's ass today!" Or even, "Wow! That kid is defying Bipolar Disorder! Look at him! He's so happy. Working so hard at making the most of life!" Or hell, even tell him that.

 


 Admiration ROCKS!!!! It might just give us or our kiddos the extra nudge we might need that day. Caffeine, sugar, adrenaline, that only works so long. Sometimes we need moral support. Sadly, not every special needs parent gets that support. BE THAT SUPPORT!

 




 I guess what I'm saying is empathy is good, but keep it in check. Don't feel sorry for us. Some days are hard. Shit, some days I just want to crawl back into bed and cry. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed. Then I see that face. That little face that depends on me. That little face that looks to me, to help him face life. That little face that stole my heart, and taught me what true, unconditional love, really was. In the end, we're really not that much different from you.  Our struggles are different, but our needs are much the same.