Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

    If you or someone you love lives with mental illness, then I'm sure you know this feeling. When a cycle is creeping upon you or your loved one, you know it's coming. Any day, they or you, will spiral into Hell. The signs are there....but there's nothing you or anyone else can do....

My boy on an even keel, spinning, stimming, and smiling. <3

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

    That's what it's like for us. As his parents, we sit back, and we wait. Because we know, that any day it's coming. The deep, dark, depressive cycle. The one that steals the glimmer from his eyes, the smile from his face, and the hope from his heart.

    He powers through the little cycles every month, but in the spring and fall, the big ones come. It never fails. It's always waiting. Lurking. Taking it's time. Ready to pounce. To leech into his life. Each time, stealing a little more innocence from my beloved boy.

The Signs

    I've noticed he's been slowly coming down for the last week. More apt to cry for no apparent reason. Commercials and songs on tv making him shed tears. We're back to muting the tv again. (Especially the damn tiger commercial!) Sleeping ALL.THE.TIME. This child rarely sleeps. But in the past week, we have to make him get up. Literally fight him to get up, and play or do art, or anything other than sleep.

Snuggling with his fur cousin Velvet <3

    Video gaming is usually a reprieve for him. But not now. A simple loss sends him spiraling into sobs. He's head banging again too, and not to our beloved rock music either. I mean, he's getting so upset that he bangs his head for "relief from the thoughts." 

    These little signs are how I know the big one is coming. He does too. He can sense it. He feels it. He asks me, "How bad do you think it will be mama? Do you think it will be over fast? I don't want to lose a month of my life again."

    Thoughts from an ELEVEN year old boy

     A boy that struggles to make sense of life as it because he lives on the autism spectrum. He also fights this demon we call mental illness. More specifically he fights Pediatric Bipolar Disorder. 

    My son really is a superhero. Sans cape of course (except for the days when he dons his Batman one.) But he won't. Not until this cycle subsides. 

    You see, people on the spectrum perseverate. That means they have one thought, repeatedly. Day in and day out. Now add in the horrible thoughts of wanting to die from mental illness. Those fleeting thoughts don't leave. Now they are all he can think of. They play on repeat in his little mind, all day, all night. I can't imagine how that must be for him.

A Plan

    For now we live each day in waiting. Making mental notes of every sign, so we know when to jump into action.

    We have to have a plan. Up until now if he became too suicidal, it would mean a four hour ride in an ambulance to the closet mental unit that takes peds. Now however, he's "old enough" for the local behavioral science unit. I'm not really sure if that should make me feel better. Because my eleven year old boy would be in a ward with adults fighting the same battle. My baby. My world.

Suicide Watch

    Suicide watch is coming. We make sure all scissors or kitchen knives are hidden. He isn't left alone for more than a few moments. And yes, that means even in the bathroom. Because all it takes is a moment. It also means that I will now be sleeping in the living room with him. Someone has to be by his side at all times. No comfy bed. No good night's sleep. Not now. Not for awhile. This is our life. This is autism and mental illness. 

    This life isn't easy. For him, it's even harder. So on a bad day, take a moment and remember it could always be worse. 

    And if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please ask for help. I know, it's not always easy. Most often, my son doesn't ask either. But there are people who want to help. You can even message me if you need it ( alegionforliam@gmail.com ). But please, reach out.

He Thinks He's Ready, But He's Not

    As Liam gets older, I hold more about our personal lives back. We want to continue to educate people and raise awareness, but if he doesn't want to share certain aspects, I don't. Purely out of respect for the young man he's becoming.

    However today, I felt that searing pain, that we as Autism Parents, (or just special needs parents in general,) often feel. You know that ache that comes along when your child's peers are ready for "bigger" things, while your son or daughter isn't?

He Thinks He's Ready, But He's Not

    I learned early on not to compare my son's milestones to other kids his age. It wasn't worth the heart ache. We know our kids will get there when they get there, and we'll be right there waiting to cheer. So that part doesn't bother me. 

    Today however did. Because suddenly, my son became fully aware that while his peers are ready for some things, he isn't. And it ripped through his heart like a dull knife. Watching him process it washed over me like a tidal wave, leaving me wracked with pain. I'd be lying if I didn't admit I went into the bathroom to cry.

Let Me Set the Scene

    Our area schools give off Friday and Monday for President's Day, so I too give Liam the day off. This morning he had a play date here with two of his autistic friends. It went great. Afterwards, when we were heading out to my sister's, an old friend of Liam's stopped by.

    He moved away with his mom, but is here for the weekend with his gram. This boy came over to invite Liam to the skating rink with him!! Sounds amazing right?

It Wasn't....

    Like most tween kids in our area, their parents drive them to the roller rink, drop them off, and come back at 10 pm to pick them up. (Hey my parents did the same with us when we were that age. However, I also had an older sister there to watch over me.)

   So while this boy had the most wonderful intentions, and because he doesn't see Liam as "different," he invited him to go. But he can't....

For Many Reasons

    Liam isn't emotionally mature enough to be away from adult supervision for a period of time. While there are adults there, they aren't always watching, because lets face it, that rink is packed. I've seen older kids there picking on younger ones, and while I stepped in, what if there isn't anyone there when it happens to Liam?

    My son also notices that he doesn't fit in. It's because of this, that he will go out of his way to do so. Liam will do anything to get the approval of his peers. He doesn't think, he just acts. Which often has some pretty crappy repercussions.

    There will be girls. The other boys his age are into girls. Liam isn't there yet emotionally. So if his friends skate off with a girl, and leave him alone, he won't know what to do. His anxiety will set in, and he will panic. 

Saying it isn't easy....hearing it is harder.... 

    Paddy and I sat him down and spoke with him about it. Liam put his head down, and admitted that it probably wasn't a good idea. But like most kids his age, he still wanted to go.

So we gave suggestions....

"We could go with you, and hang out in the game room!"

"NO!"

"We could go, but wait outside in the car!"

"NO!" 

My hubby even spoke with our eldest Bran. (He's twenty one.) He offered to go.

"Bubby said he'll go with you!"

"NO! No one else will have an adult with them!"

    He was adamant that he didn't want his parents there, "like a baby." So we told him he could try it. We would give him my cell and he could try.... (and I was panicking inside as saw two more worry lines appear on his father's face....)

He broke down sobbing....because it donned on him, that he isn't in fact, ready....

    After about half an hour of rocking and sobbing, he told me he wasn't ready. My boy went on to say that even though he "wants to go so bad, other kids can be mean there." And so he "couldn't go." 

   As adults, it's hard for us to admit when our children can't do something. Imagine being a child and having to process that truth? It hurts. While I know that "A" had only the best intentions, and while I am super thankful that he not only THOUGHT of my son, but wanted to include him as well, I almost wish he hadn't....

I wish that for at least one more day, my son didn't have to feel that pain. The pain of watching your friends grow up, and knowing you're just not ready.....

    

Snappy Self Care for Special Needs Parents

     I just had a REAL bath for the first time this week! It was glorious! I feel so clean, so refreshed.

     I know you're wondering why today was the first time all week that I've taken a bath. Well, simply put, my child has been in crisis mode since Monday. Suicide watch takes all of your time. 

    If you're a parent, you know that sometimes bathing or other self care gets put on the back burner. When you're a special needs parent, it often gets pushed further back. If you don't get respite, or you have to be with your child 24/7, taking a bath isn't feasible.

    So while I was laying there, actually soaking away a weeks worth of worries and scum, it dawned on me that I should share with you, my tips for self care when you have no time. These are seriously things that when my child is in crisis mode, I can't live without.

1.) Dry Shampoo

    When I first heard of dry shampoo I couldn't understand why anyone would need it. Then I realized, how many times I haven't been able to take fifteen minutes away from my child to wash my hair. In the event that you have to leave the house for a therapy appointment, or worse yet, an emergency room visit, you don't want greasy, nasty hair. At that moment, you feel horrible enough. You don't need another thing to weigh you down. So grab some dry shampoo. Trust me. It works and in a pinch, you'll just feel better.

2.) Baby Wipes

     I think from the time we have babies, baby wipes should always remain in our homes. They're good for so many things. These made my list because let's face it, if you don't have time to wash your hair, then you don't have time to shower or bathe. Break out the baby wipes. In a matter of minutes you can wash down your body, which will help you to feel better. Also, you don't want to stink if you have to leave the house.

3.) Facial Wipes

    When you're worn out and your face is feeling and looking greasy, you want to clean it. You don't have time to fuss around with facial products. However, if you have cleansing or toning facial wipes on hand, you can quickly clean away that dirt and oil. (Hey, it might keep you from breaking out from the stress too!)

4.) Mini Toothbrushes

    Okay, so I really don't know what these are actually called. They're tiny toothbrushes with toothpaste in them. You can find them at the Dollar Tree, and there's actually a bunch of different brands. All I know is when I can't leave my child's side, and my mouth tastes like butt, and my teeth feel gross, these things are a Godsend. Keep them on hand, you'll thank me for it.

    FOUR things. That's it! 

    These four things are my personal arsenal for when my son is in crisis mode. (Side note, COFFEE! I mean, I'm never without that, so I didn't feel the need to add it.) If your life is similar to ours, then stock up on these items. Self care is important, but we don't always have time for it. These save time, and will make you physically feel better.

Mental Illness Affects Our Youth and They Need Our Help

    I have fecking had it with the mental health system in the United States. I know I know, I should be grateful we live here, but at the moment, I'm not.

    I'm not because absolutely no value is put into the mental health system or into our children's, or our lives.

    You finally find a place that accepts new patients, and doesn't just push drugs, you think you have it made. When you choose said place, part of your choice was made because they have "Emergency" Protocols set into place.

    You know that taking your child to the ER for mental health help is useless. They make you sit there all day, only to tell you you can A) take the child home, or B) send them to a state hospital hours from your home.

    So you think, "Wow! This place has emergency hours. Thank the LORT! Next time my child spirals into suicidal behavior, we'll have help!!"

..................................................................................... But guess what????

    That time comes, and nothing. You call them and explain your child is contemplating suicide, just to get a reprieve from his brain. Only to play phone tag for two days. Your child even takes it upon himself to call for help, and guess what???? He gets an appointment for ONE MONTH from now.

ONE FECKING MONTH!

    Call me ignorant, but isn't the definition of an emergency "a SERIOUS, UNEXPECTED, and DANGEROUS SITUATION REQUIRING IMMEDIATE ATTENTION??"

    Is a month from now immediate??

    Feck no it isn't! A lot of things could happen in a month!

    I used to work in a pediatric clinic. We too boasted that we had emergency appointments. And guess what? We ACTUALLY fecking had them! I left two slots open EVERY day in case of an emergency, so we could juggle people if we had too. Some days I had to fill them, but we ALWAYS made room. Even if that meant working after hours. Sometimes that meant working off the clock with NO PAY. But guess what? We were helping children and their families, so it was worth it.

    Is the world so money hungry that they have to book doctors full? And God forbid you may have to stay late to help someone. Especially a damn child.

    You know what you're showing him? That you don't give a damn. If his problems don't fit into your schedule then they aren't important. Way to make a child jaded at a young age.

    If we don't start stepping up, and speaking out about the mental health crisis facing the United States, we're going to lose our children. 

    You see, mental health affects them too. Many people don't realize that. Children can become suicidal. My son started at the young age of FIVE. Yes, at five years old. 

    Most physicians don't know how to handle a mentally ill child. They don't know what to do when you walk in and say, "My child needs help. He/She wants to kill themselves." And it seems that the ones that do are so fecking booked, that there's no time to fit your child in, in a time of crisis.

    What are we to do for our children? How can we help them if there's no help to be found?

The System is Failing Our Children

How is it that the systems put in place to help or protect our children are actually failing them? 

    We live in Pennsylvania. Liam was diagnosed on the spectrum six years ago. (In the years following, many diagnoses would follow.) At that time, our state case worker suggested we file for SSDI. We have filed, been denied, appealed, been denied, on and off for those six years.

    This year when we went into our caseworker to review his benefits we were told to file again. We called the SSI office and asked for paperwork. In the meantime, I get this letter in the mail.

   Okay, so first of all, what in the heck is the DAP and why in God's name have I just now been informed of it? We've been battling the state for Liam's rights for SIX years. All this time the Disability Advocacy Program of Pa never once stepped in. Not once.

    Suddenly, here they are, telling me if I DON'T file for him that I AM IN VIOLATION. What about them? As you can see, they clearly state that "Liam is considered a person with Disabilities." Yet, year after year, case after case, this very state denies him.

    Now let that sink in.

    I would be in violation for not filing, but they aren't for denying? How does that work? So last night, I spent a couple more hours filling out the same forms, and booklets that I have done in the past. All for them to tell me he isn't "disabled enough."

    Okay. Then why can't he attend a traditional school? Why are you, the state of Pa, helping to pay for me to not work, in order to care for, and to school him myself? Why does his school have him in numerous therapies for Speech, OT, and PT. How can you deny the fact that NUMEROUS doctors have diagnosed him with so many conditions, three of which automatically qualify him for SSDI?

    Why is it that systems put in place to help our children, aren't. (Remember, we've been filing for six years, and just NOW we're being told there's an agency that helps with that.) Yet, the only help they have given is to tell me I could be in violation. Gee, thanks Pennsylvania!

    Our children fight so hard to find their place in this world. They fight to over come their obstacles, and to face their challenges. As parents, we help them with these battles. We also try our very best to make sure all of their needs are met. Yet, the systems put in place to help them, don't. Instead they fail them, and us as well.

   

   

According to Big Lots My Son is the Bad Kind of Crazy

    Tis the season! We are being bombarded with holiday shopping commercials. With Black Friday less than a week away, they are everywhere! I've personally been stuck on the Hallmark Channel and enjoying the sappy Christmas movies. That is until I heard Big Lots new commercial.

I went from happy holiday spirit, to shock, to anger, to sadness. 

Here's the video.... CLICK HERE

    "I went crazy in a good way...."

    ....As opposed to what other kind? Bad????

     I don't sugar coat my son's struggles with mental illness, but I sure as hell don't support furthering the stigma surrounding mental illness.

    Before you stop reading and think, "ugh! People are too sensitive! I'm tired of being so politically correct!" Think of this, CHILDREN suffer from mental illness. Do you think they, or adults, would like to be called "crazy?"

    By saying things like "good crazy," you're in fact adding to the fear and stigmas that surround those affected by mental illness. It's not about PC. It's about being a decent human being. It's about caring. It's about being respectful.

    We all know it's not okay to use the n word. Many of us are working on teaching people not to use the r word too. Well, as a mother of a child with special needs AND mental illness, I implore you not to use crazy as an adjective to describe someone. It's hurtful and demeaning.

    My son saw the video just a bit ago, which sparked the reason for this post. In my ten year old son's words, "I hate when people say crazy! It's not nice. I'm not crazy! I just have problems! Why are people so mean mama?"

    There you have it. From the mouths of babes....

    I'm reaching out to all of you, and to Big Lots too, STOP using "crazy" as an adjective!

For those of you whom like me, agree that crazy is a form of ableism, and actually care to find words to replace it, check out this post from What Privilege.

According to Big Lots My Son is the Bad Kind of Crazy

    Tis the season! We are being bombarded with holiday shopping commercials. With Black Friday less than a week away, they are everywhere! I've personally been stuck on the Hallmark Channel and enjoying the sappy Christmas movies. That is until I heard Big Lots new commercial.

I went from happy holiday spirit, to shock, to anger, to sadness. 

Here's the video....

https://www.facebook.com/biglots/videos/2186529718061587/

    ....As opposed to what other kind? Bad????

     I don't sugar coat my son's struggles with mental illness, but I sure as hell don't support furthering the stigma surrounding mental illness.

    Before you stop reading and think, "ugh! People are too sensitive! I'm tired of being so politically correct!" Think of this, CHILDREN suffer from mental illness. Do you think they, or adults, would like to be called "crazy?"

    By saying things like "good crazy," you're in fact adding to the fear and stigmas that surround those affected by mental illness. It's not about PC. It's about being a decent human being. It's about caring. It's about being respectful.

    We all know it's not okay to use the n word. Many of us are working on teaching people not to use the r word too. Well, as a mother of a child with special needs AND mental illness, I implore you not to use crazy as an adjective to describe someone. It's hurtful and demeaning.

    In my ten year old son's words, "I hate when people say crazy! It's not nice. I'm not crazy! I just have problems!"

    I'm reaching out to all of you, and to Big Lots too, STOP using "crazy" as an adjective!

For those of you whom like me, agree that crazy is a form of ableism, and actually care to find words to replace it, check out this post from What Privilege.

We Use CBD Oil to Help Our Autistic Bipolar Son

    Medical Marijuana is widely talked about now a days. There seems to be a wide divide of people whom accept the idea, and those who think it's just a gateway to legalizing all drugs.

    While I don't necessarily have an issue with the latter group of people, I want to reach out to them, and I hope this clears some things up for them. I also want to reach out to families like ours. Families that struggle with pediatric mental illness and more.

    First of all, Medical Marijuana was recently legalized in our state. However, doctors here can't yet prescribe it. Autism is on the list of conditions, but, we made our decision about a year ago not to wait.

    Now before you get your panties in a bunch thinking we let our 10 year old smoke pot, calm down, and read on.

    A year ago, we made the decision to try CBD oil with our son. For those that aren't quite familiar with what it is, or for those who are curious, CBD, or Cannabidiol oil is derived from Hemp, but does NOT include THC. THC, or tetrahydrocannabinol is the component in Marijuana that is responsible for it's psychological effects.

    So CBD is made from Hemp. It's NON psychoactive and will NOT get the user "high." Though CBD and THC both act very differently, they treat many of the same medical issues.

    CBD has been known to help with anxiety, pain, psychosis, as an anti-inflammatory, anticonvulsant and more.

    So how did we decide this for our CHILD?

    Well it wasn't without a LOT of thought. A lot of research, and we both tried it before we administered it to our child.

    I personally suffer from fibromyalgia, migraines, and anxiety, so I was the first to try it. (CBD can be used in a vapor pen/box for adults, and it can also be taken orally, for kids/adults. As a matter of fact, they now have it in many flavors.) I waited until I had a nasty headache and tried it. Sure enough within 15 minutes, my headache was easing up. I then tried it before a particularly busy day of "peopling." Again, my anxiety stayed in check a lot better than normal. (I take Zoloft for my anxiety, but some days, as many of you know, are worse than others.)

    Of course, through this process, I was relaying how well it helped me to my hubby. It was his turn next. He suffers from many fractures, and has a ton of metal in his body from repair surgeries. So my husband gave it go for his pain. For him, while it took the edge off, it of course didn't take it a way. BUT, it DID help. So, should we give it to our child?

    Our child struggles deeply with Bipolar Disorder. He is autistic as well, and sometimes the two make the other worse. Some days are a constant battle for our son. Especially in the Spring. What finally helped us make the decision to try CBD with him, was after we had to take him to ER for a reaction to a PRESCRIBED medication.

    Last year during his deep depression, my son's Doctor told us he thought Liam needed Risperdal. About a week later, on his birthday non the less, we headed to the ER because our son had a reaction to this prescribed, and widely used drug.

    There is nothing scarier than your child having suicidal thoughts at such a young age. Now add to that a child who has his head turned to one side. He is now speaking from the side of his mouth, as the other side is paralyzed. He related that his "throat was fat, and wouldn't work," and he was twitching. Oh God, the twitching. We were terrified. We thought our nine year old was having a stroke. Turns out it was Tardive Dyskinesia. (Risperidone may rarely cause a condition known as tardive dyskinesia. In some cases, this condition may be permanent.)

    Mind you, a LEGAL DRUG caused this reaction in our child. Not only do hospitals in our area have a hard time dealing with pediatric mental illness, but they are also clueless about the reactions that can come from such drugs used treat these illnesses. He was given antihistamines, watched for an hour and sent home.

    That evening my husband and I decided that something natural would be much safer than heavy psychotics. We gave our son a few days to recover, and gave him his first dose of CBD oil.

    We never looked back. Now, our son is still on a low dose of Zoloft for his depression and anxiety, and for the day to day, it helps him tons. When he cycles deeply or is unusually anxious, out comes the CBD oil.

    It helps him. It REALLY helps him. As with me, within 15 minutes of taking this perfectly LEGAL and NATURAL oil, he starts to feel better. He tells us, his "mind is less busy, and not mean to me."

    Until now, NO ONE but a few family members, and very close friends whose children have the same struggles, know we use CBD for our son. Even though it's perfectly legal, there are still some people who are uneducated about what it really is and how it helps. These same people tend to be very judgmental about it as well.

    So why I am I telling all of you this? Well, because I have always been up front and honest with my followers about our journey. I feel that if it helped our son so much, then maybe it can help yours too.

    I personally would love to see Risperdal pulled from all pharmacies, but it actually does help some people. I would just hate to see parents have to witness what we did. And I would hate to see a child struggle with those severe effects, like our son did.

    So here I am. I'm coming out. We Use CBD Oil to Help Our Autistic Bipolar Son. It works. It has been a God send. We are not ashamed, and we will not hide it any longer.

Happy to Sad in T Minus Five and Counting

          Happy to Sad in T Minus Five and Counting

 I was laying in bed this morning, enjoying the quiet and watching some tv. I could see on the monitor that Liam was awake, watching Pat and Jen on YouTube, and playing Minecraft. All was right in our world.

   Or so I thought.

   Not ten minutes later, I saw him head to my chair and turn on my heating pad. He disappeared for a moment, as he headed into the kitchen and turned on my Keurig. This kid has my morning shuffle down pat! I was beaming with pride at his kindness and as as he walked in, I couldn't wait to tell him how sweet that was.

   Then he stopped at the foot of my bed. His back was to me, as he stared at the fireplace. What he said next made my heart skip a beat, and then lodge in my throat.

   In a quiet little voice, that is so unlike my son, he said, "Mommy, I was watching YouTube and then my brain had two more bad thoughts.... I didn't want to be alone, so I came to get you. I turned on your heating pad, and got your coffee started. Can you please come out to the living room with me?"

                                       Instantaneous Heartbreak...................

   That saying, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have," well that is my son's life in a nutshell. He has over come more emotionally and mentally at (almost) 10 years old, than some people have to, in their entire life time. And he keeps fighting.  

   And here comes the cycle. The big one. The one that makes his life constant turmoil for weeks. It starts slowly. Working it's way in, and then it hits like a hurricane, and there's no turning back.

   Being Autistic is a struggle in and of itself, then you add in a mix of comorbids, (the simultaneous presence of two chronic diseases, disorders, or conditions in a patient. Ex:. ADHD, Anxiety, etc.) Now toss in a mental illness to boot, well then you have a recipe for disaster. I'm not kidding. I'm also not trying to sound heartless, I'm being honest.

   This isn't to say he doesn't have good days. The majority of his days are good. Yes, he has meltdowns, yes he stims,(self-stimulatory behavior, also known as stimming and self-stimulation, is the repetition of physical movements, sounds, or repetitive movement of objects common in individuals with developmental disabilities, but most prevalent in people with autistic spectrum disorders.) But those things come with the autism territory. We roll with those punches. It's the mental illness that puts the most strain on him, and honestly us too.

   I said it many times before, but I'll say it again. Being a parent, it's our job to care for our children. To help what ails them. But when it's something you can't fix, it's devastating. When they look at you and ask, "Mommy, can't you make it stop?" your heart rips in two.

   Thankfully the older Liam gets, and thanks to his hard work, and his amazing SLP, (Speech-language pathologists (SLPs) work to prevent, assess, diagnose, and treat speech, language, social communication, cognitive-communication, and swallowing disorders in children and adults,) and his amazing BSC's, (Behavioral Specialist Consultant - A BSC can provide training, consultation and supervision of team members in any setting where a child may be experiencing emotional or behavioral problems,)  he has become articulate enough to express these feelings. He doesn't hold them in and let them eat away at him. He tells us. Each and every one. The feelings he expresses overwhelm us. Can you imagine how it must be for him?

   I can't. And when I try, I ache so bad for him, that I can't bring myself to think of it. I have to become numb. I have to autopilot myself. Everything around me becomes static, because the only thing I can focus on, the only thing I NEED to focus on, is him.

   And so the countdown begins. The countdown to the yearly cycle that puts us all in an alternate universe. Hell. That's how we all describe it. It's Hell.

  In our world, Hell is this time of the year. Liam withdraws. He barely eats. He either cries, or screams and is beside himself with grief, for weeks on end. He stims, A LOT! Mainly rocking, or wanting to be rocked in our laps. Thankfully he does talk to us, but barely. He doesn’t communicate “normally.” He will tell us what his “mind tells him,” but that’s it. He doesn’t smile. He doesn’t laugh. Nothing that would normally make him happy works. He refuses to leave the confines of our home. If we do manage to get him out, his anxiety worsens, and it just isn’t worth it. We can’t leave his side. He can’t be alone for even a moment. When he cycles this deeply, suicide is a real worry.

   Yes, you read that right. My (almost) ten year old has suicidal thoughts. He has since he was five years old. It’s hard to write. Even harder to say. But we have to. People need to know the reality of mental illness in children. Dangerous objects in the home that you may not think about normally, you become super focused on. For instance, the knives I keep over my stove, they’re out of his reach, but what if I went to use the bathroom and he climbed up and got one? So they have to be moved out of even my reach. (He’s almost as tall as I am.) All the knobs on the gas stove are taken off and put up on top of the fridge (with the knives.) That way, God forbid his mind went there, he wouldn’t get to them before one of us could get to him.

   This is our reality. This is our life. This is his struggle. This is real. This is Hell.

Autism Parents Do NOT Hate You

Dear "NT" (neurotypical) Parents,

We don't hate you. We don't dislike you. We aren't jealous of you. I think some of us are envious, but never jealous.

Many times you seem to misinterpret our intent. When we say, "you're lucky to  worry about sports, or girl scouts, or sleep overs, college," and so on, we mean it. We know these are big worries.

 When we say we would love to worry about those things, often times, you get bent out of shape. Don't. We don't belittle your worries at all. What we mean is, we would rather those worries, then the sad ones we are faced with.

For a moment, put on some special needs parents glasses. See through our eyes.

We worry because our children often stand out and are bullied. (Not to say that yours aren't, but often times, it's special needs kids whom are targets.) We worry about our children being successful in a mainstream classroom. Getting invited to other children's parties. Being asked to play a school yard game.

We worry about IEP meetings. Therapies. Specialist appointments. College isn't even in some of our children's realm of possibilities.

We worry about what will happen when our children age out of the system. For many of us, we worry about who will care for our children (even as adults) when we pass away.

Some of our children have comorbid diagnoses. (Which means they don't just have Autism.) Many of them also struggle with mental disorders. So now we worry about hospitalizations. Maybe even institutions.

So you see, when we say "we wish we could worry about tee ball," we aren't demeaning your worries. We are saying we wish our worries were the same as yours. "Happy" worries as I refer to them.

Please, when you read our memes or our posts about these issues, try not getting so upset. Try putting on those special needs glasses I talked about.

Parenting is a rough gig. Whether your child is NT or not. We know that. 

Try understanding our worries for a moment.

Sincerely,

an Autism Mom <3

Why Must Pain Be Necessary?

   Pita is giving Liam a shower, while I take a bath, and have some much needed "mental health time." I turned the on music on my phone, planning to drift into lyrics and forget how really sh!tty this day has been. It didn't help. Instead, I'm left ugly crying, and questioning my faith. Questioning life in general.

 I was raised with religion. My mother's family was Catholic. My father's Baptist. We were baptized, went to Sunday school and so on. Pita was raised Methodist. We have never attended church regularly, as service is too long for Liam.

    Each night before bed, from the time he could speak, Liam has said his prayers. When he was an infant, I said them for him. I too say prayers, and add special ones for those who need them. This isn't to say I don't sin. I cuss, sometimes like a sailor. But we are good people, and we are raising our son to be a good man. We believe....or so I thought.

    You see, when Liam cycles this far into his depressive mode, I question the existence of God. How could a man, so loving, so caring for those He created in His image, let one suffer so badly? Why are people murdered? Raped? Cancer? Mental Illness?

    I know, I know, we need the bad to appreciate the good. Seriously though. Today my son turned nine. There was no happiness. His father and I forced our smiles. Liam was blank and emotionless all day. We took him swimming and cray fishing, and his brain couldn't let him enjoy it. He didn't even eat his own cake because his stomach is so sick from this cycle. The sparkle that lights up his face is gone. Who could let someone suffer like that?

    But when I go to bed tonight, I will still pray. I will lay next to my son, listen to him say his prayers, and then I will silently beg God to help him through this cycle. To make it end sooner for him. I have to. If I don't have some sort of faith in something better, I won't have the strength to help my son through this.

    And before I close my eyes and attempt to get some sleep tonight, I will listen to this song. I won't let Bipolar Disorder ruin his life, or ours. I won't back down. Not ever.

A Mom's Insight on Pediatric Bipolar Disorder

My son is autistic. Autism is on the forefront of many media outlets nowadays, so you know what that is. He also suffers from a mental illness. I'm not talking about autism here. I'm talking about pediatric bipolar disorder.

I'm sure you've heard of it. You've probably even heard it joked about. Did you know it affects kids too? Well it does. It steals away moments of their childhood and rips out their parents hearts.

Children who suffer from BPD differ from that of most adults afflicted with it, because they cycle so rapidly. (Cycling is when they switch from mania to depression and so on) *refer to chart* These cycles can occur numerous times in one day.

Have you ever seen the meme that said, "How much do you charge for a ride on your mood swings?" I used to think that was funny. Now I find it offensive. Maybe because I watch my child swing between moods so frequently some days.

Here's the break down of mania vs depression:

Symptoms of mania include:

• euphoria (elevated mood)—silliness or elation that is inappropriate and impairing
• grandiosity
• flight of ideas or racing thoughts
• more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
• irritability or hostility when demands are not met
• excessive distractibility
• decreased need for sleep without daytime fatigue
• excessive involvement in pleasurable but risky activities (daredevil acts, hypersexuality)
• poor judgment
• hallucinations and psychosis

Symptoms of depression include:

•  lack of joy and pleasure in life
• withdrawal from activities formerly enjoyed 
• agitation and irritability
• pervasive sadness and/or crying spells
• sleeping too much or inability to sleep
• drop in grades or inability to concentrate
• thoughts of death and suicide
• fatigue or loss of energy
• feelings of worthlessness
• significant weight loss, weight gain or change in appetite

Being a woman, we know how mood swings can be. We live with PMS every month. But this is different. More extreme. A person/child with BPD will go from laughing, and incessantly talking your ear off, to angry, crying, screaming, and so on. They can become violent too. Take 3 or more of those symptoms above, and they happen all at one time. Then the child will cycle to other end. (refer back to arrow chart)

(Now add that to autism. It's quite explosive some times)

People have asked me if I was ever afraid OF my child. No. NEVER. I'm afraid FOR my child. Stereotypes. Negativity towards mental illness. Misinformation of these illnesses especially in children doesn't help either. 

My hope is that by reaching out, exposing myself, sharing our life, I can help spread the word. I hope that even ONE person reads this, and says, "I'm not ashamed of my mental illness!" So they can help by spreading the word. 

I want to help make that change for mental illness awareness. Pediatric mental illness awareness. 

My son is almost nine. We are starting to have more rough days than good. We're working on finding medications that help his BPD and don't hinder him in general. It's not easy. It's rough on him. Rough on us. We've been faced twice with the possibility of hospitalizing him. (once when he was 5 and last spring, he was 7) The nearest psychiatric hospital that can take children is FOUR hours away! So not only do we need more people speaking out about mental illness in children, we need more service providers in all areas. Parents facing the decision of having to admit their children to psychiatric hospital, shouldn't be faced with the worry of how far away it is. (That was a HUGE concern for us. My son has major anxiety issues and can't be away from me for any amount of time.)

I try to talk about BPD every chance I get. I try to reach out and let people know what it is. How it affects my son, myself and our family.  To protect him, and do his story justice, I ALWAYS ask what I can post, and what he wants to keep secret. He almost ALWAYS lets me post his "story" exactly how it happens. He's quite the advocate for a child.

But I find myself holding back. I ask myself why all the time. I'm a very upfront and blunt person. I hold back though because there is such a negative stereotype surrounding mental illness, and I'm afraid people will peg my son as something he's not. After all, first and foremost he's a little boy. A little boy with a lot on his plate, but a little boy none the less.

We've already dealt with bullies. Sometimes on a daily basis because of where we live. We had to pull him from school because they didn't have the patience to be kind to him. We've been in and out of therapies, social skills groups (autism) and so on. Through it all, he keeps on. He wears a smile and he is such a fun loving kid. He has taught me so much! On days where I can't take BPD any more, and I start to cry, I think of how it must feel for him. He has to fight his own mind. I don't. I just have to be there for him. I just have to be his mom.

 Whether or not you know someone afflicted with bipolar, try to educate yourself on it a bit. Teach your children to be kind and accepting of the kids that don't seem quite like them. Teach your children to speak kindly to everyone, no matter how different they seem. 

Also, if you think you or someone you love may be suffering with bipolar disorder, PLEASE speak to your doctor. Do not be afraid. Do not be ashamed. None of us are perfect. We all have a battle to fight, yours is just different than mine.