To My Doctor Who Looked at Me Like a Leper

    Today I had an appointment with a new physician. I don't want to get into details, because believe it or not, I do like some privacy. Let's just say, ladies, DON'T put off your lady bits appointments! As much as they suck, getting them done on schedule can help and save you from more pain and problems in the future.

    I digress. So in speaking to the new physician I was trying to explain to him why I quit seeing his colleague, two years ago. He was trying to push me into a temporary and possibly harmful procedure, that I wasn't ready for. I wanted something of more permanence, and he wouldn't hear of it.

    The new doctor said, "But why? You're young and only have ONE child." Both true. "My son is autistic," I replied. "I'm done. We're done. I can't handle another child."

     He looked at me like I was a leper. Clearly, I wasn't conveying how I really feel. I was so nervous, and half naked. Clear thoughts were NOT forming. "I mean, it's not fair to him. I'm done. He needs me all to himself," I croaked. He looked away and asked me something else. I can't even tell you what it was. Or if I even answered him.

    I felt like a GINORMOUS a$$hole! I assure you I'm not. If you KNOW me, if you FOLLOW our journey, you know my son is my LIFE. My miracle. My heart. My soul. But this stranger doesn't know that. He probably thinks I'm a bitter mother, that doesn't accept my son for the truly unique individual he is.


via GIPHY

     If I could say anything to this man, I would say, "I came off as an a$$ today. I was scared, and nervous, and I'm socially awkward. My hubby and I have talked siblings for my son for years, but we both agreed that giving Liam our one on one attention was the best choice. For him. For us. Please don't judge me from our initial conversation. I promise, I'm not a douche bag! I'm a devoted mother and aggressive advocate for autistic rights. I just don't want any more children. It's not in our cards."

                                              Do you think he would believe me?

                               Gosh I feel like an idiot! This is why I don't adult so well!

Multiple Miscarriages and a Miracle Baby

    So the Mighty has asked their readers what their greatest gift has been. I could say the laptop from my parents that I am typing this on. I could say my awesome phone generously provided by my inlaws. I could say a roof over my head and my family and friends.

    While they are all AMAZING gifts, I have to say the best is my son. Yeah yeah, I know. You've probably all heard that before, but wait. My story is different.

    I have been through 7 miscarriages. Yes, you read that right. SEVEN. The first one was about 16 weeks along. The other 6 were before 11 weeks. Spontaneous Abortions is how Doctors refer to them. I hate that term. I didn't CHOOSE to lose those babies. My body did, and it ripped my heart out every.single.time.

   It got to the point where my doctor told me, I may never be able to carry a child to term. I was diagnosed with ovarian cysts at the age of 13 and struggled with them, but other than that, they couldn't find anything medically wrong with me.

    Until Liam. Liam was conceived during Hurricane Katrina. Yep, you read that right too. No power for days, equals bored people! I found out on my brother's birthday that I was pregnant. I was scared to death.

    I made an appointment to see an OB/Gyn. As soon as I told them of my previous miscarriages, I was scheduled to see a high risk OB/Gyn. I had every test under the sun. While we waited on results, I was told to take it easy. At 9 weeks I started to bleed and was rushed to the ER.

   My husband and my best friend in tow, we waited for what seemed like hours, when it was merely one. They brought in an ultrasound machine. Here I am, feet in stirrups, a Doctor, a nurse, the US tech, my hubby and best friend at my feet. The Dr. is talking all hush hush. I can feel panic start to course through my body. My hubby and my best friend are standing there with their mouths agape. NO ONE IS TELLING ME WHAT'S GOING ON.....

    Then I hear one of the most beautiful sounds in the world. I hear his heart beat. It sounds like a train roaring down the tracks. I am sent home on bed rest, and after going over all my testing, they tell me I have a clotting disorder. They send hubby to the pharmacy for aspirin and tell me to take it every morning until 32 weeks.

    Aspirin! Aspirin saved my pregnancy! I went to a high risk OB/GYN weekly through my pregnancy.  Hubby rented me a hospital grade dopplar, so I could check the baby's heart beat every day. I was on bed rest, and if I wasn't throwing up, I was chilling out.

    When we moved from Alabama back to Pa, I had to find a new Dr. By this time I was 20 weeks in. The new high risk was quite a drive, as we live in a very rural area. So I only saw him every other week. Long story short, I delivered around 36 weeks. I became pre eclamptic and had to be induced. But other than that, it was a normal delivery and I had a beautiful baby boy to be thankful for.

    He wasn't a Christmas gift though, he was actually my mother's day gift that year, as I had him just 2 days before. (Though we moved home in December and we drew a bow on my tummy and presented it as our gift to our parents.) I bawled like a baby when they laid his little body on my chest. I silently thanked God for this miracle.

    So now you know my story, or at least part of it. If you follow us on facebook, you know my boy is autistic, struggles with biploar disorder, SPD, ADHD, OCD, ODD, and anxiety. You also know I embrace him and all his quirkiness. This is why!

     I don't care if he's autistic. I don't care that he struggles with all these labels. (I mean, I do, but I don't love him any less.) I care that he is mine.

     So when I hear people say they hate that their child is autistic, I get angry. Not because I don't think you have valid feelings. Let's face it, your journey is different than mine. I hate it, because I know there are other women and men out there who want nothing more than a child to love. We have that. We were given that blessing. Even though our journeys are hard, we still have them. We have something they long to have. We have something to be thankful for.


    You see, my greatest gift didn't come from a store. It isn't a thing. My greatest gift is my son, and I will always treasure him. Through the good, the bad and the ugly days of autism and bipolar. He is my "Miracle Man!"

Sexism in the 21st century....

  So this post isn't autism related. I know, SHOCKER!!! Anyway, here goes.....

  Yesterday after my neuro appointment, I had to use the potty. I was walking down the hall, and first passed the men's room, then  the ladies room. As I put my hand on the door, I saw this:

I know what you're probably thinking. It's a baby changing station sign, so what. Well, it pissed me off. My initial thought was, "oh sure, put the changing table in the ladies room because you know, we should be the ones to always have to change diapers! " My second thought was, "how sexist! Why can't this be in the men's room? We are in the 21st century. Wiping kiddos arses isn't solely the woman's job anymore!" Then it dawned on me. This sign was a sign of sexism in the 21st century, but maybe not so much in the way I was thinking......

What about the dads? The guys that do change the diapers? The stay at home dad's. The single dads. What about when they are out with their baby and need to change a diaper??? If there isn't a changing station in the men's room, then what? They can't just go in the ladies room because they need to change a diaper. 

Why the hell aren't these stations in EACH bathroom? I know I have seen the signs on men's room doors before, but not often. WHY? Are we still so stuck in our old fashioned ways that this isn't thought of? Are most places too cheap to spend the money on extra changing tables?

So now that I am done bitching about that, let me just say, I hate the damn things. I only used one, one time when Liam had a nasty explosive poop as a baby and of course we were in a store. When I do look at these things, all I can think is that they are seething with germs, and yuck, just yuck! But there are people who use them, and it is sexist to not have them in both bathrooms in a public place.

Props to the SAHD's, the single daddy-o's and the daddy-o's that share in changing the diapers. Now, would you mind telling me what you do when you're out in public and need to change a diaper? (I used to do it in the car. Not fun, but not as germy as those things)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥