Tired of fighting

  Once again, just when things seem to be going well, and all is seeming to be right with the world, the proverbial rug is pulled from under our feet. It's sucks. It sucks bad! It's easier to ignore it and pretend it isn't going to happen. But I can't. I can't sit back and act like it won't be hell for my boy. I can't act like it won't phase him because it will.

  Why does my boy have to endure such shit? In his 7 and half years, we have been on one hell of a roller coaster ride. I know, I know. It could be much worse. I get that, I do. But dammit, for once I am going to let it hurt. I am going to admit that this sucks, so damn bad it's not even funny.

  Liam's BSC told me today that his TSS is being transferred to another client. Meaning Liam will be getting a new one. Do these places really know about Autism???? If so, don't they know how hard change is for our kids? Don't they know our kids thrive when they get paired with someone and click? My child has a disabled dad. So for him, having a male TSS that can do man things with him was a God send. The many things his dad can't do, Mr. M does. They ride bikes, go for walks, go fishing. The list goes on. Nothing against women therapists, but Liam is a man's man, and this isn't going to be easy.

  My heart aches today. Every time I look at him it breaks. This is the boy that counts down the days to Mr. M's time to come. He waits by the door like a puppy when it gets close to his arrival time on his days. If Mr. M is x amount of minutes late, Liam tells him straight away that he must stay x amount of minutes later. (he's a stickler for time!)  Liam also loves his BSC, don't get me wrong. I am thankful he isn't losing both. But I am angry as hell he has to lose Mr. M.

  We all know how hard transitions are for our kids. And yes, I know, once in "the real world" he will have to deal with transition and disappointment. I know this. But dammit, he was finally used to Mr. M and letting him see the real Liam. And now he will be leaving. Liam's BSC is going to work on a social story for him. I am thinking of ways to lessen the blow and help him cope. I got nothin.' I can already feel his pain.

 Being a parent is the most rewarding AND upsetting job ever. It's good, it's bad, it's ugly, it's beautiful.  It's so hard seeing your child hurt and not be able to take that away. It's like ripping a bandage off a hairy leg very slowly. Or what I imagine a Brazilian wax to feel like. It hurts like hell!!!!

  Hubs wants to call first thing on Monday to plead our case. I don't think it will help. They have to do what they have to do. I guess it's worth a try though. I have no issue going mama bear when it comes to my boy.  I'm not gonna lie though, sometimes I get tired of fighting. It seems that as a special needs parent, every time we turn around we are having to fight for something for our children. It sucks.....

                                                                         <3 <3 <3 <3

Lazy or numb...

  I have barely blogged in months. I can't quite decide if it's because I'm lazy or just numb. I say lazy because I am always so damn tired.  Keeping up with Liam, life, PAUSE, and the Legion has me mentally exhausted. Having a chronic illness sucks the life out you in so many ways. Too many to take the time to list. I have had to prioritize our life so much more in the past months. This means, that my blog has suffered the most because well, not that many people read it anyway. :)

  I started this blog as a way for me to vent. Apparently I was annoying people a few years ago, when I was using my facebook page (personal one) to talk about Autism. Now I could care less, but that is how this blog was born. I vent much less now. Sometimes I vent on ALFL or on RHoA if I am using my more colorful language. But the deep, heartfelt vents are few and far between lately. I think I am numb.

"My heart is broke
But I have some glue
Help me inhale
And mend it with you
We'll float around
And hang out on clouds
Then we'll come down
And have a hangover "

  I mean, of course I have a heart. Wouldn't be alive if I didn't. But I have been closing it off from the world a lot in the last six months, maybe even longer than that. I haven't been letting myself feel. I have become hard. I have become numb. Not because of anyone or any one thing, in particular. Because I am tired. I am fed up. I am afraid that if I let myself feel, I will lose it. I will lock myself in a room and I will ugly cry. Probably for days. Let's face it: "Ain't Nobody Got Time For Dat!"

"Sit in the sun
Fall asleep
Wish away
soul is cheap
Lesson learned
Wish me luck
Soothe the burn
Wake me up"

  I don't want to feel that pain. I don't want to cry. I want to keep it inside and ignore it. It has nothing to do with Liam. Or Autism. It has everything to do with myself. My constant pain and fatigue. Being broke and knowing there is not a damn thing I myself, can do about it. It's about realizing that yep, our life is hard as hell sometimes, but who am I to whine. There are people out there who have it a hell of a lot worse. We have a home. We have a family. We have love. There are people who have NONE of that. So I chose to suck it up, and keep on, keeping on.

"I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone,
But I have a light
the day is done,
I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Or Maybe just happy"
  I sometimes feel I shouldn't refer to myself as a "blogger," let alone a "writer," because I barely do either. But dammit, I like the sound of that so much more than "disabled,"  "housewife," "maid," and so on.  No, I didn't go to college. I graduated high school, got married, made a ton of mistakes, taught myself how to tattoo and then after YEARS of hard work I became a tattoo artist. I can't even do that any more because I can't sit in one place that long. I can't bend hardly at all. My hands go numb after holding my machine for longer than 10 minutes. I can't draw anymore either and I LOVED to paint and draw. So, being on my laptop and writing or creating digital art is the only creativity I am left with any more. God, would you believe I am 34 and not 74!!! (I feel the latter though.)

  So for all this and more, I am now going to refer to myself as "A Lazy, Numb, Sometimes Blogger..." Because at least that way I am being truthful ;)

"Think I'm just happy ,
Think I'm just happy ,
Think I'm just happy ."

                                                                  <3 <3 <3 <3

Song Lyrics belong to Nirvana, written by Kurt Cobain

Monday, Monday.....

Ahh Monday......................... (Cue music from the mamas and the papas)

 When all the kiddos go back to school. No more in and out of everyone's kids tramping through my house. No more feeding and giving drinks out to all the kids. No more breaking up fights and figuring out who said and did what. No more wanting to choke parents for letting their kids act like jerks and treat my son like crap while also letting them disrespect us when we put them in their place. (Funny because they are the first parents to complain when their child is sent home for bad behavior, yet they are also the parents who are never around to see this behavior) No more listening to Liam cry because so and so said this, and so and so did that.

You know, no matter how many times we tell Liam to not play with certain kids, he always forgives and often forgets and plays with them anyway. He has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met. I enjoy our days together when all of these said children are In school. When I hear the bus in the afternoon my stomach burns and my hearts sinks because I know that it's only a matter of time until something crappy happens.

Yet he insists on playing with them and I can't shelter him from ignorance all his life. I need to teach him right from wrong and how he can be a better person. But you know, help from other parents in the way they are rearing their kids would help. STOP covering up for them. STOP acting like they do no wrong. STOP letting them disrespect adults and bully other children and act like that is okay. You are raising our future. What you do now sticks with them later. You're not doing them any damn favors. 

My son is by no means perfect and I laugh when I hear ignorant neighbors say I think my kid does no wrong. When my kid is wrong he is punished and dealt with accordingly, which is what you should be doing with your kid. Instead you choose to be their friend and so let them do whatever they damn well please. Is it wrong that I sit back and wait for that to blow up in your face????

It's not like it was when we were kids. Your child is going to threaten to kill the wrong person and will a)result in CPS investigations and school expulsions or b)juvenile delinquent charges. When this happens don't look for sympathy here. Hubs and I have been trying to get through to all of you and your kids for the last 5 years. You choose not to listen. You choose not to make your kids listen. Sad really. Part of me feels bad that you don't care enough about your children to make them mind. Part of me feels bad for every child like my son who they mistreat. Part of me is waiting for another child to put them in their place. Hey, I'm  only human. I can only sit back and nurture my son's broken heart and shattered ego because of your child so many times, without growing bitter to you all.

The worst offenders have been told they are no longer welcome here, as have their parents. I also laugh when one parent in particular told her child he's not allowed around mine or our home. Why? Are you afraid he may actually be taught right from wrong, and how to respect other human beings? I am sitting here smirking because these are the people this post targets, and they will never read it. Not because I am hiding it, but because they don't care. The parents that care, like you and I, are the parents that read stuff like this. The parents that get it. The parents that don't let their children, special needs or not, be jerks to other children, special needs or not. We are the parents that are raising our futures right. To that I say, I admire you all! To the rest, you have my pity. I pray my son doesn't read about your child being in jail some day. I pray my son isn't your child's boss some day. I pray my son can always forgive and forget and NEVER treat your child the way you let yours treat my son.....
                                                                   
                                                                        ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

First Day Jitters....

  As I see pics of friends' kiddos heading back to school, and I hear about little ones starting kindergarten, I am so happy for them. Yet, for me, it makes me queasy.

You can't tell, but I was scared to death to let him go. (2010)

I remember the tears and the fear in Liam and myself that first day. It was rainy and dreary. My friend brought her kiddos over to wait with Liam for the bus. He was so excited. He danced all over the deck. When he got on the bus, I saw him put his brave face on. I watched as he choked back tears. I too did the same, because I didn't want my baby to see my fear.

Look how happy he was!!! (2010)

He rushed to get on the bus as he fought back his tears (2010)

   I remember waiting impatiently for him to get off the bus. I remember the look in his eyes when he did. I remember how he didn't speak, refused to eat, stared blankly around the room. My heart sinks, I want to vomit.

  He endured school for 4 days. He was placed in the hallway when he couldn't handle the class, the noises, the smells, and so on. At no time was I told. I emailed his teacher on day two. Asked her how it went. Asked her why his shirt was all stretched out around the neck. Why it was soaked. She told me,  "he misses you, that is all." At no time did she tell me he was spending his days in the hall. At no time did she tell me he vomited in the cafeteria and was sent to the nurse. He was sent out of gym, music and art, and only was able to tolerate the library.

  I am sickened. My child was treated like an unwanted animal, and I was none the wiser. I cry, a lot. When I see that teacher in public it is all I can do to refrain from mauling her. My son is terrified of her. He refuses to step foot in schools. He has a hard time coloring because he always remembers how she yelled at him and mocked him in front of a class full of strange kids. Just because he couldn't color in the lines.

   I know I made the right decision to pull him from that hellacious school. It was an easy choice to pull him, but a huge decision to take over his education myself. It has been hard being his teacher and there are days I get so upset, I do raise my voice. I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be. I have learned to walk away, and take a few breaths, and he is learning to do the same. We are learning together.

  I am watching my son flourish. When he aces math with no issues, he beams with pride. When he reads to me (a story of his choosing) he is all smiles. Inside, I am exploding with pride because I taught him that.

   I jest about the choice to home school, because it isn't easy. It's not for the faint of heart. It's not for everyone. For us, it was the only choice, the only way. When people ask me if Liam will ever return to brick and mortar school, I say I hope so. But do I???? Not really. It makes me sick to think about it. It makes him freak out to talk about it. Sure I would love a few hours of peace. But not at the price of my son. He didn't deserve the way he was treated at Northeast Bradford, and I can't and won't make him go through that again. When and if HE decides he wants to try, I will do my best to pave the way for him. Until then, we home school!

Look how happy he is in his personal class room! (this was his first day of school last year) he was counting ALOUD (which means yelling, bc he is so very literal. ( Blurred bc he does school in his underpants!)

♥♥♥♥

Anon makes me laugh....

 So the last time I blogged was about the Liebster Award. (I know, I need to blog more, but time, and brain fog that make that impossible.) Anyway, so on that post, someone left my fave comment to date. If you want to read it, CLICK HERE.

 I seriously laughed over this comment. I mean, really? First of all, as someone kindly pointed out to me, what pic was this person trying to steal? I mean, in that post the only pic was the Liebster award one. Secondly this person didn't have the brass tacks enough to comment by name. They hid behind that glorious ANON label. Yet tried calling me out for having made my blog so you can't right click my pics.

 This idiot called me a few things. All of which I am not. Well, all but one. Overprotective. I'll own the shit out of that one! I am a helicopter mother from hell. I won't deny that. Liam is my only kid. I am bound to smother him. He is the kid I wasn't supposed to have. Of course I am going to hover over him. He is MY kid, and if I chose to make it so that his pics can't be right clicked and saved by anyone, that is MY choice.

 When I started blogging I started out without his name or face. After a bit Pita asked me why I was doing that. He thought that parents may relate more to seeing a real face behind the struggles and triumphs. So that is when I decided to share my little man with the world. However, as his mother, it is still my job to protect him. I don't share pics of him unless he is dressed. I don't share pics of him that I wouldn't want to world to see of me. Well, with the exception of swimming pics. No one wants to see me swimming.....

 As for pics/graphics I make. Yes, I have had issues with large pages stealing my pics. Using them for likes. Cropping my name off. I am the first to admit that. But that is NOT why I disabled the right click feature here. You see, on my Legion facebook page, I have control over who is one there. If you're an ass, or rub me the wrong way, bye bye, I ban you,. It's my page after all. However, here, I don't have that control. Anyone and their sicko brother can access this blog. Which is why I am over protective.

 I am guessing Anon isn't a parent. I am guessing anon is a pompous ass. I am thinking anon is one person I know,  in particular. I could sit and assume all day, but let's face it,  why? Who has time for that?  My freshman science teacher teacher said it best when he said, "assume makes an ASS out of U and ME." Amen Mr. Salsman <3

 So no assuming here. Just righteous protection of my greatest creation. My son. If you don't like, don't visit my blog. Oh, and don't vote for me. I won't lose tears over it anon :)

                                                                           ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Woot Woot! Someone likes me ;)

  Stay at Home Crazy has donned me with the Liebster Award. How cool is that??? I feel so honored. She must really like me because last year she gave me this award too. (If you want to check that post out and see if anything has changed in a year, CLICK HERE.)  So now, in return, I have to follow through on what comes with the award.

                                                   And here is what the winners must do:

1. Thank the Liebster Award presenter(s) on your blog.
2. Link back to the blogger who presented it to you
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.  
4. Present the award to 5 or 11 blogs that deserve to be noticed.
5. Let them know they've been presented with the Liebster Award.
6. Answer 11 questions posed by the presenter. 
7. Eat some dark chocolate.  It has anti-oxidants in it.  It will cure what ails you.  Unless you are allergic to chocolate.  Then skip 7. 

So here goes........
   1) A huge thank you and much love to Stay at Home Crazy for this award. Muah!!!! Thanks to this award, I have a reason to blog..... Well I guess I have many reasons to blog, but lately putting my thoughts together is just not happening. I blame my gabapentin and FMS for this horrible brain fog!

2) ↑ I did that above, click her AUSOME blog name ↑

3) Yup, did that too. (see top of blog)

4) And now for my list of blogs: Wow, I have met so many wonderful ppl in just the last year of this.... So this list may be a bit long!

• Four Sea Stars
• Homestyle Mama with a Side of Autism
• Deciphering Morgan
• Spouse, Kids and Special Needs Aren't Things Issued in a Seabag
• To Autism With Love
• Captain Jacktastic
• Autism Family Circus
• Autism Art Project
• Fasten Her Seat Belt

5) I guess I will do that when I finish this post!

6) Here goes, bear with me!

       

1.  What, if anything, is completely off limits as far as blog topics for you?  NOTHING! I post what comes to mind, and about our life. I do leave my inlaws out of posts out of respect for their privacy. Other than that, it's fair game here!
2.  What is your favorite sound? That's easy! The sound of Liam ASLEEP ;) Or rain on a tin roof, I love that sound too!
3.  If you could go back and talk to your 15 year old self, what one piece of information/advice would you share? Don't talk to your parents like that! You will be a parent one day, and you will realize they aren't being "mean" they are loving you and doing what is best for you. You will HATE it when your child speaks to you like that! 
4. How did you end up doing what you do today? (If you're a SAHM, what made you choose that vs. going back to work? If you work a paying job, how did you end up in the field you are in?)  At first it was by choice. I was a SAHM while pita worked. Then he became injured and now I was a SAHM and a nurse. Then the older Liam got, and the more his behaviors increased there was no choice but for me to stay home. Especially once he wasn't able to attend public school. I then took on the role of his teacher as well. Now with my health problems, I really can't work. So I am a SAHM, a teacher and a nurse. My plate is FULL!
5. What is your guilty pleasure? A Nap! I love to take naps, and there are days I HAVE to nap bc the chronic fatigue part of my illness makes me unable to stay awake. I always feel guilty when I need to take a nap. Like I may miss something cute that Liam does, or I'm not giving him enough attention. (I know, cray cray!)
6.  What's your favorite candy? Anything chocolate! I LOVE chocolate! 
7.  What prompted you to start your blog? Our life. When the Dr. said Liam had autism, pita and I were blown away. It just wasn't on our radar. Then certain people started complaining I was using facebook too much to vent, ( I unfriended those a holes) so I started my blog so I could speak my mind. It actually was a great release for me at first. Free therapy ;)
8.  Do you have a favorite food? If so, what? Hawaiian Pizza, Pizza Hut stuffed crust supreme and chinese food ;)
9.  If you had to pick 1 thing to change about yourself, what would it be? My weight. Due to my illnesses I have put on a lot of weight. They are working to get my thyroid under control, but even then I am so tired and weak I don't leave my chair much unless it's housework or something Liam needs.
10.   What physical attribute do you like most about yourself? Seriously??? I have to answer this??? I guess my smile. I once had someone tell me that when I smiled, my whole face lit up..... So I guess if I had to chose, that is my choice :)
11.  Do you still live where you grew up? If not, how far away are you from your hometown? No, well kinda. I live about 20 minutes away from the first town we lived in. In the 5th grade we then moved to a neighboring town (where my parents still live) so I live about 35 minutes from there :) I would love to move back to Florida though. Living only 20-30 minutes from Clearwater beach was so nice! I miss it very badly!

That is it for me. And so I pass on the torch :)

                                                                          ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Don't Mess with Smokey!!!

  Smokey the Bear. An iconic mascot for our all of our state parks, was created in 1947. Growing up, Smokey taught us that "Only YOU can prevent forest fires." Well, to Liam "Moktey" (that's how he used to say Smokey) was a symbol that fun was ahead. Smokey stood at the entrance of our fave state park. When we would pull in, there stood Smokey, looming high above. To Liam, this meant we were there, fun would now ensue. Until the last time we went to the park......

2011

2012

(I have more, (they aren't on this computer) bc EVERY TIME we go, Liam MUST get his pic taken with Smokey!)

  We pulled up the road, and there was NO Smokey. Immediately Liam yelled, "Mama!!!! Where is SMOKEY!" He was NOT a happy camper. One thing we all know is how our kiddos rely on consistency. Change is NOT cool for them, and so, not cool for us as their parents. Thankfully Liam had a friend with him, so he somewhat controlled his anger over Smokey not being there to greet him. (The day however went on to get worse, as we waited for 3 hours, and NEVER got to swim due to thunder in the area.)

  So long story short, Liam was livid! Smokey wasn't there to greet him. Swimming wasn't allowed due to thunder. The whole day was a bust! Thankfully a very good friend of ours that lives close by let us bring the kiddos over for a swim, so that made Liam feel better.

  Jump ahead to yesterday. We have a family reunion at Mt. Pisgah. So as we pull up the road, Liam looks, and yells, "Mama! Smokey is back!!!!!" Wait for it......wait for it..... "MAMA!!!!! That is NOT MY Smokey!" You see, apparently Parks and Recreation felt Smokey needed to be updated. Don't they know that this spells trouble for autistic kids??? I mean, COME ON. How dare they think Smokey could get a make over and that would be cool!!!!! Liam was pissed to say the least. We skipped the photo opp and went to our picnic. Later, when we came back down to enjoy a swim, pita asked Liam if he was ready to get his pic with Smokey. "NO! That is NOT MY Smokey!"

  Pita and I went on to explain that it's the same Smokey, he just looks different. Well, that made no difference. Now he got upset because, "Do you mean that isn't MY Smokey? Because, that doesn't look like MY Smokey. He looks all different! I thought you said Smokey was REAL??? Well if he is, how come he doesn't look the same?????" Ugh, why does this kid have to pay so much attention to detail??? You can't pull wool over Liam's eyes!

  I told him Smokey is "real" in that he is the mascot for Parks and Recreation. He is a friend to all, and he just looks different because he wanted a make over. I don't think he bought it, but he did get out to get a pic with Smokey and Bubby......

As you can see by the look on his face.... he was NOT a happy camper!

I guess the lesson I learned from this incident, is that no matter how hard I try to control situations (as far as planning) and make sure Liam knows what is going on, and what is going to happen; (so he isn't caught off guard by change) sometimes, things happen that are out of my control, and he needs to learn how to roll with the punches. Dare I say it??  Pita was right!!!!  (I did, but shhhh, don't tell him)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥