Perspective

  Yesterday afternoon was off to a rough start. Liam was rotten for me during lessons. His new punishment is a writing assignment. 1) because he REALLY needs to work on his handwriting, and getting him to write is like pulling teeth. 2) because he hates it, and I'm sorry, but time outs, and groundings don't work. Had to try something new.

  So when he has been exceptionally rotten, he has to write. We start off with 5 short sentences, and if he persists, then it goes up by 5 each time. So I waited til Mr. M (TSS) got here to make him do it. I KNEW it was going to be a fight. It wasn't long, and I raised it to 10 sentences. He was screaming at me, kicking my chair and refusing to do it. So there son, now you have to do more!

  It turned into a pretty nasty meltdown. It was a tantrum at first. He was pissed. He didn't want to waste his "Mr. M time doing stupid writing." It quickly spun out of control and into a meltdown. He was screaming at me and telling me, "I SUCK! I CAN'T DO IT! MY WRITING IS HORRIBLE!" (he over heard me telling his new school I wanted an OT eval for him because his writing is not where it should be :/ ) He ended up hiding under my desk and insisting Mr. M leave the room. Odd, because he LOVES M. You see, the older Liam gets the more aware of his feelings he is. He was embarrassed.  He told me later he didn't want Mr. M seeing him "so mad and so sad." Once M complied (and I felt terrible for him) Liam dried his tears, rocked a bit and banged out his writing. I even offered to knock two off for him being such a trooper. His rule abiding reply??? "No momma, you said 10 and I was bad, so I will do 10."

  My plan was to let him paint pumpkins. As you know, being an autism momma is also about recognizing triggers for our kiddos. I knew that his self esteem at the moment was low and that letting him paint pumpkins may make that worse. He is such a perfectionist. Instead I decided to let him carve one. He grew 14, we have plenty to spare! He has a special kid safe knife (thank you pampered chef) that won't cut him, and he LOVES to be let loose on unsuspecting pumpkins.

  Now, I usually draw the face on, and then let him carve it. He tells me how he wants it to look and I draw it. This year, I figured I would just let him do as he wanted to it. It would be 100% Liam. We cleaned it out, and he was off......

This is what he carved....

Now, he stepped back and looked. I could see the disdain in his little face. "Momma. I suck! I ruined it!" Oh good God, here we go again. Thank God, my brain thought quickly for a change. "No, no Liam. You didn't ruin it!" "Yes I did momma. Look at the big hole!" "Liam, you see a big hole, I see a place to put the light without me having to reach inside it. Yuck!" He smiled wide! "You're right momma!" (Yep, ALWAYS,  just ask you're dad!) 

He was happy with that, and was ready to move on with more carving. So, I  asked him if he wanted a face on it. He did. I drew what he asked. He carved the eyes, nose and part of the mouth, then asked me to take over because his hands were tired. Those  pumpkins are thick little suckers!

Liam's pumpkin :)

When he was all done, I did the redneck thing that pita always does with the pumpkins. I jammed in a solar light. So much safer than candles, and I don't have to remember to go out and light it every night. When Liam saw it with the solar light, he was very pleased with his huge hole. He later told me "Yeah momma. I carved that big hole for a reason." ;) 

 So, carving pumpkins turned out to be a great lesson for Liam on perspective. He learned that there isn't only one way to see something. That there is always a bright side.

redneck pumpkin lighting ;)

<3 <3 <3 <3

Tired of fighting

  Once again, just when things seem to be going well, and all is seeming to be right with the world, the proverbial rug is pulled from under our feet. It's sucks. It sucks bad! It's easier to ignore it and pretend it isn't going to happen. But I can't. I can't sit back and act like it won't be hell for my boy. I can't act like it won't phase him because it will.

  Why does my boy have to endure such shit? In his 7 and half years, we have been on one hell of a roller coaster ride. I know, I know. It could be much worse. I get that, I do. But dammit, for once I am going to let it hurt. I am going to admit that this sucks, so damn bad it's not even funny.

  Liam's BSC told me today that his TSS is being transferred to another client. Meaning Liam will be getting a new one. Do these places really know about Autism???? If so, don't they know how hard change is for our kids? Don't they know our kids thrive when they get paired with someone and click? My child has a disabled dad. So for him, having a male TSS that can do man things with him was a God send. The many things his dad can't do, Mr. M does. They ride bikes, go for walks, go fishing. The list goes on. Nothing against women therapists, but Liam is a man's man, and this isn't going to be easy.

  My heart aches today. Every time I look at him it breaks. This is the boy that counts down the days to Mr. M's time to come. He waits by the door like a puppy when it gets close to his arrival time on his days. If Mr. M is x amount of minutes late, Liam tells him straight away that he must stay x amount of minutes later. (he's a stickler for time!)  Liam also loves his BSC, don't get me wrong. I am thankful he isn't losing both. But I am angry as hell he has to lose Mr. M.

  We all know how hard transitions are for our kids. And yes, I know, once in "the real world" he will have to deal with transition and disappointment. I know this. But dammit, he was finally used to Mr. M and letting him see the real Liam. And now he will be leaving. Liam's BSC is going to work on a social story for him. I am thinking of ways to lessen the blow and help him cope. I got nothin.' I can already feel his pain.

 Being a parent is the most rewarding AND upsetting job ever. It's good, it's bad, it's ugly, it's beautiful.  It's so hard seeing your child hurt and not be able to take that away. It's like ripping a bandage off a hairy leg very slowly. Or what I imagine a Brazilian wax to feel like. It hurts like hell!!!!

  Hubs wants to call first thing on Monday to plead our case. I don't think it will help. They have to do what they have to do. I guess it's worth a try though. I have no issue going mama bear when it comes to my boy.  I'm not gonna lie though, sometimes I get tired of fighting. It seems that as a special needs parent, every time we turn around we are having to fight for something for our children. It sucks.....

                                                                         <3 <3 <3 <3