Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

    If you or someone you love lives with mental illness, then I'm sure you know this feeling. When a cycle is creeping upon you or your loved one, you know it's coming. Any day, they or you, will spiral into Hell. The signs are there....but there's nothing you or anyone else can do....

My boy on an even keel, spinning, stimming, and smiling. <3

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

    That's what it's like for us. As his parents, we sit back, and we wait. Because we know, that any day it's coming. The deep, dark, depressive cycle. The one that steals the glimmer from his eyes, the smile from his face, and the hope from his heart.

    He powers through the little cycles every month, but in the spring and fall, the big ones come. It never fails. It's always waiting. Lurking. Taking it's time. Ready to pounce. To leech into his life. Each time, stealing a little more innocence from my beloved boy.

The Signs

    I've noticed he's been slowly coming down for the last week. More apt to cry for no apparent reason. Commercials and songs on tv making him shed tears. We're back to muting the tv again. (Especially the damn tiger commercial!) Sleeping ALL.THE.TIME. This child rarely sleeps. But in the past week, we have to make him get up. Literally fight him to get up, and play or do art, or anything other than sleep.

Snuggling with his fur cousin Velvet <3

    Video gaming is usually a reprieve for him. But not now. A simple loss sends him spiraling into sobs. He's head banging again too, and not to our beloved rock music either. I mean, he's getting so upset that he bangs his head for "relief from the thoughts." 

    These little signs are how I know the big one is coming. He does too. He can sense it. He feels it. He asks me, "How bad do you think it will be mama? Do you think it will be over fast? I don't want to lose a month of my life again."

    Thoughts from an ELEVEN year old boy

     A boy that struggles to make sense of life as it because he lives on the autism spectrum. He also fights this demon we call mental illness. More specifically he fights Pediatric Bipolar Disorder. 

    My son really is a superhero. Sans cape of course (except for the days when he dons his Batman one.) But he won't. Not until this cycle subsides. 

    You see, people on the spectrum perseverate. That means they have one thought, repeatedly. Day in and day out. Now add in the horrible thoughts of wanting to die from mental illness. Those fleeting thoughts don't leave. Now they are all he can think of. They play on repeat in his little mind, all day, all night. I can't imagine how that must be for him.

A Plan

    For now we live each day in waiting. Making mental notes of every sign, so we know when to jump into action.

    We have to have a plan. Up until now if he became too suicidal, it would mean a four hour ride in an ambulance to the closet mental unit that takes peds. Now however, he's "old enough" for the local behavioral science unit. I'm not really sure if that should make me feel better. Because my eleven year old boy would be in a ward with adults fighting the same battle. My baby. My world.

Suicide Watch

    Suicide watch is coming. We make sure all scissors or kitchen knives are hidden. He isn't left alone for more than a few moments. And yes, that means even in the bathroom. Because all it takes is a moment. It also means that I will now be sleeping in the living room with him. Someone has to be by his side at all times. No comfy bed. No good night's sleep. Not now. Not for awhile. This is our life. This is autism and mental illness. 

    This life isn't easy. For him, it's even harder. So on a bad day, take a moment and remember it could always be worse. 

    And if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please ask for help. I know, it's not always easy. Most often, my son doesn't ask either. But there are people who want to help. You can even message me if you need it ( alegionforliam@gmail.com ). But please, reach out.

He Thinks He's Ready, But He's Not

    As Liam gets older, I hold more about our personal lives back. We want to continue to educate people and raise awareness, but if he doesn't want to share certain aspects, I don't. Purely out of respect for the young man he's becoming.

    However today, I felt that searing pain, that we as Autism Parents, (or just special needs parents in general,) often feel. You know that ache that comes along when your child's peers are ready for "bigger" things, while your son or daughter isn't?

He Thinks He's Ready, But He's Not

    I learned early on not to compare my son's milestones to other kids his age. It wasn't worth the heart ache. We know our kids will get there when they get there, and we'll be right there waiting to cheer. So that part doesn't bother me. 

    Today however did. Because suddenly, my son became fully aware that while his peers are ready for some things, he isn't. And it ripped through his heart like a dull knife. Watching him process it washed over me like a tidal wave, leaving me wracked with pain. I'd be lying if I didn't admit I went into the bathroom to cry.

Let Me Set the Scene

    Our area schools give off Friday and Monday for President's Day, so I too give Liam the day off. This morning he had a play date here with two of his autistic friends. It went great. Afterwards, when we were heading out to my sister's, an old friend of Liam's stopped by.

    He moved away with his mom, but is here for the weekend with his gram. This boy came over to invite Liam to the skating rink with him!! Sounds amazing right?

It Wasn't....

    Like most tween kids in our area, their parents drive them to the roller rink, drop them off, and come back at 10 pm to pick them up. (Hey my parents did the same with us when we were that age. However, I also had an older sister there to watch over me.)

   So while this boy had the most wonderful intentions, and because he doesn't see Liam as "different," he invited him to go. But he can't....

For Many Reasons

    Liam isn't emotionally mature enough to be away from adult supervision for a period of time. While there are adults there, they aren't always watching, because lets face it, that rink is packed. I've seen older kids there picking on younger ones, and while I stepped in, what if there isn't anyone there when it happens to Liam?

    My son also notices that he doesn't fit in. It's because of this, that he will go out of his way to do so. Liam will do anything to get the approval of his peers. He doesn't think, he just acts. Which often has some pretty crappy repercussions.

    There will be girls. The other boys his age are into girls. Liam isn't there yet emotionally. So if his friends skate off with a girl, and leave him alone, he won't know what to do. His anxiety will set in, and he will panic. 

Saying it isn't easy....hearing it is harder.... 

    Paddy and I sat him down and spoke with him about it. Liam put his head down, and admitted that it probably wasn't a good idea. But like most kids his age, he still wanted to go.

So we gave suggestions....

"We could go with you, and hang out in the game room!"

"NO!"

"We could go, but wait outside in the car!"

"NO!" 

My hubby even spoke with our eldest Bran. (He's twenty one.) He offered to go.

"Bubby said he'll go with you!"

"NO! No one else will have an adult with them!"

    He was adamant that he didn't want his parents there, "like a baby." So we told him he could try it. We would give him my cell and he could try.... (and I was panicking inside as saw two more worry lines appear on his father's face....)

He broke down sobbing....because it donned on him, that he isn't in fact, ready....

    After about half an hour of rocking and sobbing, he told me he wasn't ready. My boy went on to say that even though he "wants to go so bad, other kids can be mean there." And so he "couldn't go." 

   As adults, it's hard for us to admit when our children can't do something. Imagine being a child and having to process that truth? It hurts. While I know that "A" had only the best intentions, and while I am super thankful that he not only THOUGHT of my son, but wanted to include him as well, I almost wish he hadn't....

I wish that for at least one more day, my son didn't have to feel that pain. The pain of watching your friends grow up, and knowing you're just not ready.....

    

Send Them Some Love and a Wish

Okay, so Valentine's Day is tomorrow, but my son wanted to open his wish early. Which is good, because I want to share it with all of you.

Send Them Some Love and a Wish

    I recently connected with A Wish for You and fell in love with their ideas and the gifts they offer. Basically, you chose an item and a beautiful hand quilled card, tell them what you want it to say, and they send it to someone you love! How awesome is that? Since I firmly believe that we should celebrate our loved ones every day, these gifts aren't just perfect for Valentine's Day, but for every day!

How it Works

     It's super easy to let someone know you're thinking of them. All you do is head to A Wish for You, select the memento you want to send. There are quite a few to choose from, and all of them will let that special someone know you love them, each and every day. Next, choose your card, and what you want it to say. Then sit back and relax as A Wish for You sends your love across the miles, or even right next door!

Liam Adores His Heart

    I chose the Crystal Heart Dangle for Liam. First and foremost, I chose it because his worry crystal has seen better days, and after years of rubbing and worry, it broke. (It wasn't very thick.) So I chose the Crystal Heart for him to replace his worry crystal. The other reason I picked this memento was because I knew he'd enjoy looking through it and watching light refract from it. For him, this crystal fulfills a mental health need, as well as two forms of sensory input (tactile, and visual.)

    Liam loves it! He's been carrying it with him since he received it, and showing everyone he has seen. The card it came with is beautiful, and he keeps rubbing his fingers over the quilling. So to say his wish was a huge hit is an understatement. I'd say it was the best gift he's gotten in awhile!

Learn More

    I know by now, you're ready to check out all of the mementos A Wish for You has to offer, (if you haven't already.) So head to their website, and start browsing. I promise you won't be disappointed!

Be sure to follow them on Facebook and Twitter too!

Cbd Is Helpful to Me, and Could Be for You Too!

    We've been using CBD for it's natural healing properties for a couple of years now. It's been super helpful to me, as well as my husband, and yes, even my son too! It could help you as well.

Cbd Is Helpful to Me, and Could Be for You Too!

    I use CBD to help relieve headaches, and to nip migraines in the bud. It also works wonders on my anxiety. As a matter of fact, I take it before I have to be "peopley" and it helps take the edge off of my social interactions with the public. Let's not forget that for some, (including me,) it helps relieve some chronic pain.

    My husband uses CBD to help ease some of his body pain associated with arthritis, and several broken bones, and surgical repairs. He also uses it to help shut his mind down to get a good night's sleep.

My husband loves these CBDEEZ Gummies

    For Liam, we give him CBD when his anxiety is too high. It helps him to calm down and be able to enjoy social experiences. We also use it to help quiet his brain when he's in a depressive cycle. 

   We all still rely on Western medicine to live our lives to the fullest, however, we always supplement with Eastern meds too. Think about it like this: Before Western medicines were created by scientists, people had to rely solely on Eastern treatments. So now that we have the best of both worlds, why not utilize them both?

Understanding CBD

    CBD IS NOT POT. It's a compound found in hemp and marijuana, however, unlike THC which is the most common element in "pot," CBD isn't psychoactive. Which means it doesn't make the user "high." As a matter of fact, most medicinal CBD comes from the least processed form of the cannabis plant, hemp.

    It's safe, and it's natural. Many people are using CBD for their entire family, much like us. We even use it for our pets, (as do many others!) It can help pet with anxiety and even arthritis pain too!

    It's legal. Since hemp itself is legal, (thanks to former President Obama and his Farm Bill in 2014,) so is CBD since it's naturally occurring in the hemp.

We Trust Cannabidiol Life for All of Our CBD Needs

    If you follow our story, I'm sure you've heard me speak of CBD before. Maybe you noticed our Cannabidiol Life widget on the blog. That's there because we know first hand that CBD can and does work wonders. We trust Cannabidiol Life because they offer quality products you can trust too. 

    They have CBD oils that can be dripped under your tongue, or safely vaped in your device. They even have disposable vape pens with CBD in them. If edibles are more your style, then have no fear, they have those too. You can even choose from capsules, topicals, concentrates, and more. For your pets they have you covered too. Cannabidiol Life has something to help every member of the family.

    

    

Snappy Self Care for Special Needs Parents

     I just had a REAL bath for the first time this week! It was glorious! I feel so clean, so refreshed.

     I know you're wondering why today was the first time all week that I've taken a bath. Well, simply put, my child has been in crisis mode since Monday. Suicide watch takes all of your time. 

    If you're a parent, you know that sometimes bathing or other self care gets put on the back burner. When you're a special needs parent, it often gets pushed further back. If you don't get respite, or you have to be with your child 24/7, taking a bath isn't feasible.

    So while I was laying there, actually soaking away a weeks worth of worries and scum, it dawned on me that I should share with you, my tips for self care when you have no time. These are seriously things that when my child is in crisis mode, I can't live without.

1.) Dry Shampoo

    When I first heard of dry shampoo I couldn't understand why anyone would need it. Then I realized, how many times I haven't been able to take fifteen minutes away from my child to wash my hair. In the event that you have to leave the house for a therapy appointment, or worse yet, an emergency room visit, you don't want greasy, nasty hair. At that moment, you feel horrible enough. You don't need another thing to weigh you down. So grab some dry shampoo. Trust me. It works and in a pinch, you'll just feel better.

2.) Baby Wipes

     I think from the time we have babies, baby wipes should always remain in our homes. They're good for so many things. These made my list because let's face it, if you don't have time to wash your hair, then you don't have time to shower or bathe. Break out the baby wipes. In a matter of minutes you can wash down your body, which will help you to feel better. Also, you don't want to stink if you have to leave the house.

3.) Facial Wipes

    When you're worn out and your face is feeling and looking greasy, you want to clean it. You don't have time to fuss around with facial products. However, if you have cleansing or toning facial wipes on hand, you can quickly clean away that dirt and oil. (Hey, it might keep you from breaking out from the stress too!)

4.) Mini Toothbrushes

    Okay, so I really don't know what these are actually called. They're tiny toothbrushes with toothpaste in them. You can find them at the Dollar Tree, and there's actually a bunch of different brands. All I know is when I can't leave my child's side, and my mouth tastes like butt, and my teeth feel gross, these things are a Godsend. Keep them on hand, you'll thank me for it.

    FOUR things. That's it! 

    These four things are my personal arsenal for when my son is in crisis mode. (Side note, COFFEE! I mean, I'm never without that, so I didn't feel the need to add it.) If your life is similar to ours, then stock up on these items. Self care is important, but we don't always have time for it. These save time, and will make you physically feel better.

Mental Illness Affects Our Youth and They Need Our Help

    I have fecking had it with the mental health system in the United States. I know I know, I should be grateful we live here, but at the moment, I'm not.

    I'm not because absolutely no value is put into the mental health system or into our children's, or our lives.

    You finally find a place that accepts new patients, and doesn't just push drugs, you think you have it made. When you choose said place, part of your choice was made because they have "Emergency" Protocols set into place.

    You know that taking your child to the ER for mental health help is useless. They make you sit there all day, only to tell you you can A) take the child home, or B) send them to a state hospital hours from your home.

    So you think, "Wow! This place has emergency hours. Thank the LORT! Next time my child spirals into suicidal behavior, we'll have help!!"

..................................................................................... But guess what????

    That time comes, and nothing. You call them and explain your child is contemplating suicide, just to get a reprieve from his brain. Only to play phone tag for two days. Your child even takes it upon himself to call for help, and guess what???? He gets an appointment for ONE MONTH from now.

ONE FECKING MONTH!

    Call me ignorant, but isn't the definition of an emergency "a SERIOUS, UNEXPECTED, and DANGEROUS SITUATION REQUIRING IMMEDIATE ATTENTION??"

    Is a month from now immediate??

    Feck no it isn't! A lot of things could happen in a month!

    I used to work in a pediatric clinic. We too boasted that we had emergency appointments. And guess what? We ACTUALLY fecking had them! I left two slots open EVERY day in case of an emergency, so we could juggle people if we had too. Some days I had to fill them, but we ALWAYS made room. Even if that meant working after hours. Sometimes that meant working off the clock with NO PAY. But guess what? We were helping children and their families, so it was worth it.

    Is the world so money hungry that they have to book doctors full? And God forbid you may have to stay late to help someone. Especially a damn child.

    You know what you're showing him? That you don't give a damn. If his problems don't fit into your schedule then they aren't important. Way to make a child jaded at a young age.

    If we don't start stepping up, and speaking out about the mental health crisis facing the United States, we're going to lose our children. 

    You see, mental health affects them too. Many people don't realize that. Children can become suicidal. My son started at the young age of FIVE. Yes, at five years old. 

    Most physicians don't know how to handle a mentally ill child. They don't know what to do when you walk in and say, "My child needs help. He/She wants to kill themselves." And it seems that the ones that do are so fecking booked, that there's no time to fit your child in, in a time of crisis.

    What are we to do for our children? How can we help them if there's no help to be found?

#HELP The Word We Need to Know is Okay to Say

You guys! I was finally starting to pull out of my funk, and give this page more attention.... and then I heard about Chester Bennington.'s death.

I was sitting in the office of my son's mental health psychiatrist when I read it. Tears immediately filled my eyes.

When we got out to the car, I told Beans I had something sad to tell him. I started to play Crawling, ("his song" more on that later) and told him that Chester had died. I even told him how police reported he died.

Because #mentalhealth needs to be spoken about.

He put his little head down, and said, "my gosh mama. that's awful!" he was silent for awhile.

Here's the thing. Did I know Chester? No (but man do I wish I did.) I didn't even get to see him live. But I bought Linkin Park's first album the day it went on sale, and I was hooked.

Something about Chester spoke to me. The way he sang, the words he screamed. It was like someone could finally see their way through my muddled mind.

My son has been listening to them since he was just a little baby. When he was old enough to articulate some feelings, he shocked me.

We were in the car (probably going to some therapy appointment) and Crawling was playing from my iPod (remember the colorful gen 2's? sorry #adhd )

He said, "mama, this is my bad thoughts song. It's like my brain."

Right there I knew the #mentalillness monster was in my son.

Right then, before the actual #bipolardisorder diagnosis, I knew it wasn't just #autism.

I digress. Bear with me, there is a point here.

So anyway, I'm in a major funk again. Every time I see Chester's face in my feed, my heart enters my throat. I am gobsmacked, and heart broken.

To know that that man, with the gorgeous wife, six precious kids, an amazing musical career, and more, felt he had no other choice....

He felt so alone....

so broken....

that he felt taking his own life was the only way to truly be free....

it's horrific....

and I don't want anyone, ever to feel that way.

So here's my point.

If YOU ever feel that way, PLEASE message my page.

(I know my friends are thinking "SHE NEVER ANSWERS MY MESSAGES! Guys! I love you! I promise! I'm just super busy.)

Message me ONE WORD.

One four letter word.

Message me HELP

And as soon as I see it, I will be there, will bells on.

I don't do phone calls because of anxiety, but I will chat with you, and I will put you in touch with someone in YOUR AREA to help you.

I promise.

Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how famous we are.

It doesn't matter how much money we have (which is good because I have NONE)

It doesn't matter what kind of car we drive.

What matters is the mark we leave on the world.

The people we help.

The love we share.

Mental illness doesn't discriminate either.

None of those things matter to that monster.

So if I can only do one thing in my life, as long as it's helping someone in need, then I am fulfilled.

So please, HELP is all you need to say.

as a matter of fact, let's hashtag it. Because it seems all the "important" words are hashtagged.

#HELP if you need it, I will be there.

If you feel like you could join this movement, then by all means, comment, share, or what ever. Just look out for one another, okay?

Just #Help each other

Why I Came Out of "Retirement"

    This has been a rough spring and summer here at the House of AuSome. Liam hasn't been able to shake his last depressive cycle for months. It's been one hell of a roller coaster ride, for him, and for us, his family. He's finally starting to cycle to manic. (Of course he is. I ran out of melatonin and am broke until Monday! Special Needs Mom humor there :) )

    Anyway, a few months ago I learned about the Semicolon Project. (Click the name for more info if you haven't heard of it yet.) I LOVED it! The meaning really struck my heart strings. I immediately drew a semicolon on my wrist and shared the photo. It was then that I knew that I needed this permanently.

    (For those that haven't followed us from the beginning, or those with a shoddy memory like me, I used to be a tattoo artist. I gave it up to be a mommy. A mommy to a very special boy, who is my greatest creation ever! So in essence, I'm "retired.")

    Not only is Liam affected by Bipolar Disorder, but so is my Aunt, and my Grammy. So for me, this tattoo was a must have. I asked Pita what he thought. He knows that once my mind is set, it doesn't really matter what he says, but he goes with it. ;) I wanted him to join me though. I thought that we could both get one, in support of our boy. He of course agreed.

    And then I had second thoughts..... You see, I also suffer from Fibromyalgia, so I was worried about being able to tattoo again. I decided that the semicolon was small enough, that I could handle it. If my son can handle all that he does, then I could suck this up!

    So once we had a bit of "extra" money, I ordered some ink and tubes. Thankfully I still had sealed needles. I couldn't wait for the supplies to arrive.  They came in on Monday. As soon as they did, Liam and I got out my tattoo equipment and got started!

    Liam sat and helped me get all set up. He actively engaged in what I was saying, and asked questions along the way. He shook the ink for me. (I think he really just enjoyed the sound of the ball bearing that rattled inside.)

    He asked if it hurt. He asked to see the needles. He then informed me, "Put those away or I may pass out mama!" Then he heard the buzz of the machine and he was enthralled. He held my spray bottle of green soap and sprayed for me, each time I paused the machine.

    In 10 minutes, my semicolon was done. I reminded Liam again what it meant and he beamed. Pita came out for his, and then Liam lost interest. (Hey, I got a good 15 minutes out of him, so I was impressed!)

My semicolon! I love it! Pita's is in the same place, but opposite hand.

    We shared our pics to facebook and by that evening, 2 more people in our extended family reached out to join in. They wanted something a little different though. I got to work drawing it up, and they were in love.

    The next day we went over so I could do their tattoos. We explained to Liam that they too wanted to support him. He just smiled. While I tattooed them, he swam and played under Daddy's watchful eye. I sat, silently wondering, how much of what we told him about the tattoos did he understand?

Liam's Aunts tattoos

    On the way home we had to stop at a store for milk. When Pita came out, he was grinning. "Hey hon! That girl at the register saw my tattoo. She has one too!" Liam piped up, "ANOTHER SUPPORTER FOR ME! YAY MAMA! NOW I NEED ONE!"

    He gets it! He understands. When we got home, he brought me a marker. "Mama, I'm ready for my semicolon, because I want to pause and think,  my life is important!"

    And there you have it folks. From the mouths of babes. <3

Liam's "tattoo" it's faded because he's sweaty!