Let's Talk About Impulse Control and Autism

Impulse control has always been an issue with my little man. Now that he's getting older, it's getting even harder to help him restrain himself from acting out on impulse. This causes many issues. Let's discuss some of these issues, then we will move on to more about Impulse Control, and some ways we as parents and relatives can try and help our children.

People see this as bad behavior.

    While I really don't care what people think of me, I do care what they think of my children. To the untrained eye, my autie acting out impulsively looks a lot look he's misbehaving. In all actuality, he just can't help himself.

Other people think that reprimanding my child is helping.

    Family, friends, even strangers whom think they are helping will often times try correcting the child. Don't. All you're going to do is cause more guilt for the child. Preaching to the child about what they've just done is only adding more guilt to something they had no control over in the first place. If you want to help, try redirecting the child, or distracting the child. (Ie: Susie grabbed the kitten even though she was asked not to. Don't yell at her. Don't preach to her. Simply tell her the kitten is off limits, and then gravitate her attention towards something else.)

Think before speaking

    This is especially an issue in our home. Our eldest son has moved back home for a bit, and he rarely thinks before he speaks. (Much like Liam, lol.) For example, Liam will be getting on his nerves and he'll say, "go ahead, hit me if it makes you feel better." He's saying it in jest, trying to make light of a tense situation. However, all Liam hears is, "go ahead, hit me." He doesn't pick up on the social cues. He doesn't get the joke. Now Liam is swinging like a pro baseball player at his brother. Brother is angry, and Liam is upset because in his mind, he's doing what he was told. Now his brother, and often times his dad are yelling, because to them, Liam is acting out. It becomes monotonous having to break up conflicts like this. Conflicts that can be avoided if people just took more time to understand Autism and impulse controls. (I'm not saying my husband and son don't understand. They do. Hubby is always trying to keep the peace, and our eldest is out of practice as he's never lived here full time, so he's not completely up to par on our Autism world.)

Now that we've discussed some problems that arise from Impulse Control, let's talk about what it is. 

Impulse Control is the failure to resist an urge or temptation. Simply put, it's a thought that comes into one's mind, and the person then acts on it. There are five stages to impulse control. They are: 

Knowing the stages, what are some ways to help children learn from it, or even to help diminish the impulses?

Don't just focus on what the person did wrong, but also on what they should have done.

    So your child acted on impulse. Depending on what it was they acted on, you may or may not yell. It's okay, because NONE of us are perfect. That being said, try to remain calm. It's okay to tell the child what they did wrong, but make sure you also let them know what they should have done. Try to keep their attention. You don't have to force eye contact (trust me, they will zone out on you if you do,) but ask them questions to see if they understood what you said to them.

Work on listening skills

    This is HUGE in my home. If you are giving your child numerous instructions, they are only going to hear part of it, and start acting out that part. For example, if Liam has to clean his room, I have to say, "Pick up all your dirty clothes, then come back." After he does that, I will move on to the next directive. If you tell your child or the individual a few things at once, you are bogging down their brain. BREAK IT DOWN. I promise you, this works. I have been doing this for Liam for years, and he works so well when others do the same for him.

Repeat back

    Another great hint is to have the person repeat back what you asked them. That way you know they know what to do. This works great for when you want to expand on their directives. I do this when I give Liam two instructions. It helps him process more.

Practice waiting

   Yes, practice waiting. Waiting is especially hard for those on the spectrum. My son and I both hate to wait. (We're working on it.) A good way to practice is to use visuals. Find a symbol for wait, and then a reward symbol. Start out slow. Have them wait five minutes, or even two, quietly. Then they get the reward. (Whether it be stickers, screen time, whatever works.) Over time, you can expand the time. 

Make it a game

    Believe it or not, many childhood games are great ways to practice impulse control and waiting. Simon Says is perfect because the child has to wait on instructions from Simon, and is only supposed to do what Simon says. Follow the Leader, Red Light Green Light, and Duck Duck Goose, are all great games to practice impulse control.

Get the wiggles out

    Give them sensory input. A lot of sensory seekers lack impulse control because their bodies are always on the go. Giving these children appropriate sensory input will help keep their bodies in check, and may reduce some impulses. 

Work on emotions

    Teaching our children emotions helps as well. For example, acknowledging that some things cause anger is okay, but acting on that anger physically isn't. Talk about way to address that anger. Liam's BSC and us, are actively working on this with Liam as well. When he gets angry, all impulse control fails. Frustration is another one. Thinking of ways to help your child deal with frustration and giving them tools to use will help decrease frustration induced IC. 

In conclusion

    These are just some of the things that we are actively doing to help Liam control his impulses. What are some ways that have worked for you?

We Don’t Walk on Sunshine We Walk on Eggshells

Let me preface this with a disclaimer.

Neither I, nor my son, his father, or any of our family are looking for pity. What we are looking for is to educate the masses that mental illness DOES affect children. It also affects their families.

Tomorrow is the Vernal Equinox. (By the time this posts, it will be passed the VE.) We’re already experiencing longer days. That alone throws many of us for a loop. Especially Autism families. For families like ours, it’s something more.

If you’ve followed us for any amount of time, you know that my son is Autistic. He also lives with Pediatric Bipolar Disorder. I’ve spoken written many times about his major depressive cycles. As a matter of fact, the big one is right around the corner. That’s what Spring brings to our family each year.

However, I don’t believe I’ve ever written about his manic cycles. At least not in depth, nor on this blog. Which brings me to why I’m sitting here writing tonight. At the moment, my son is quietly playing with his action figures. This is the longest I have seen him sit still in days.

If you’re familiar with Autism, you know many Autistics don’t tend to sit still for long. They stim too. My son does both, but when he’s in a Manic cycle, they’re more extreme. I used to tell people that while I loathe Bipolar Disorder, I would take a Manic Cycle over a depressive one any day of the week. That changed this weekend.

Until just yesterday, I have never noticed what an extreme Manic episode was. You see, when my son (and many others) are in (what I thought to be a) manic cycle, they’re uber happy. They tend to talk non-stop, whether it makes sense or not. They ramble on, going from one topic to the next, and rarely stop for air. (I’m not exaggerating.) When you add Autism into the mix, stimming is virtually non-stop as well. My son doesn’t sit still at all when he’s manic (hypomanic.) Sleep is nil. It lasts for a few days or so. Many would look at my son during this time and think of Autism and ADHD.  So as you can see, this would be preferable to watching your loved one so depressed that they can’t function. As I recently learned, this in fact tends to be more of a hypomanic cycle.

Until yesterday I have only ever seen my son in a hypomanic cycle. I had yet to witness full blown mania. Without going into specifics and embarrassing my son, let me explain it in a way that I can still protect his privacy.

My son went from the above “symptoms,” to a grandiose version of them. Then suddenly, he snapped. Something so little, so trivial, sent him over the edge. I’ve seen my son have so many meltdowns, that they really don’t even phase me anymore, but this, this was different. Writing this right now is making me sick, but this, this was terrifying.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look in his eyes. His face read rage, fear, and utter lack of any idea of what was happening. Liam’s father wasn’t here. It was just him, my older (step) son, and myself.

This outburst (for lack of a better term) was directed at his brother. I was reprimanding Liam for something, and he saw his brother smile. That was it. That was all it took. He was on him like a feral dog on his first meal in weeks. Before my mind could fully process what was happening, I jumped up and yanked him off his brother, put him on the floor, and applied some of my weight for pressure.

He was screaming, but in just a few moments I saw MY SON come back to me. (You see, THAT wasn’t my son.) His body hitched with tears and I let him up. He ran into the kitchen and hid in a corner.

It took a bit for me to calm him down. I did what I always do after he has a meltdown. I let him tell me what he needs. (Which happened to be some squeezing and singing.) He kept repeating that it wasn’t his fault. That WE are bad and made him angry. That isn’t my boy. My boy always owns up to his actions. He always tells on himself if he does something naughty. But last night…. last night he blamed us. After that, he went straight into self loathing.

He kept repeating that he was “bad,” and “no good.” When he was more calm, I offered him a drink, “I can’t have a drink because I don’t deserve to drink.” My heart was breaking. I kept reassuring him that he wasn’t any of those things. My older son just sat on the couch, completely dumbfounded and shocked at what happened in a split second.

We both talked to him about it. We told Liam that we understand HE wasn’t in control. That he wasn’t in trouble, BUT that he HAD to try his very best to be in control. He went back to being hyper, stimmy, and talking.

A few hours later it happened again. This time because they were having a Nerf war, and his brother hit him with a dart. Within thirty minutes the whole situation was better. My husband came home. The only way he knew something horrible has happened was the looks on mine and our older son’s face. Liam was just playing and being Liam.

When Liam left the room I cried. I bawled and tried to explain what happened to my husband. Snot and tears were flying. I’ve rarely seen a clueless and helpless look on his face, but last night, that’s all he wore. Today we all have walked on eggshells. For fear of another manic outburst, or him delving to the bottom of a depressive cycle.

I know many may read this and think, “you’re the parents, you’re in control, not him!” The truth is, NONE of us are. Right now, Bipolar Disorder is in control.

So, tomorrow morning we’re putting in a crisis call to his doctor. We need to make a plan. We need to find new ways to help our son, because he, and us, do NOT deserve to live like this.

Edited to add: As of today he is doing much better. An appointment has been made with an emergency plan if need be.

Why I hate functioning labels

    I do. I despise functioning labels. I don't care for labels at all, but as autism parents, we all know these labels get our kiddos the help that they need. The functioning labels are the worst though.

  They are designed to show where our children are on the spectrum, yet they are actually limiting our kids.

    Here's an example of why I hate functioning labels. Liam has been diagnosed by four doctors as being autistic. (as well as Bipolar and MANY other things. He has a full plate.) Two of which said he is high functioning. The other two said he was moderate.

    Why two different functioning labels? Let me tell you. Liam's IQ is 120.  He tests gifted in Math and in Vocabulary. YET, his reading comprehension is bad. He can read to me, but he can't tell me what it was he just read. He is considered learning disabled in that area. Even though he spoke early, his speech was so hard to decipher, it was considered as a speech delay.

    So it would seem that based on his IQ and some of his test scores, he is "high functioning." But, based on his "disabilities" and behaviors, he is considered moderate.

    Liam has also learned to "pass." For those of you not familiar with the term, "passing," it is when an autistic is able to pass as "normal." There are some days where Liam can play with his peers or be in a public setting, and no one would know he is on the spectrum. However before long, "passing" becomes too much work and a meltdown ensues. There are also days where he doesn't even try to pass. It seems that at 8, he has realized that around the people that accept him most, there's no need to pass. So around new people or in public is when he attempts passing.


    So you see, Liam is literally, all over that spectrum. He doesn't fall into one convenient slot. The more parents I speak to on my page, the more I have learned that Liam isn't alone. So why do doctors and therapists insist on using these functioning labels? Even though the DSM V caused an uproar by removing "Aspergers" as a diagnosis, knowing what I know now, I have to agree. I am glad it's gone.

    You know what else I don't like? I don't like when I am speaking with other autism parents and they act like Aspergers makes their child better than mine. Does it matter? It's all technically the Autism Spectrum now. There is  NO Aspergers. So please, don't use that term to one up other autism parents. It hurts!

         Autism isn't a competition.

    I don't care where you or your child fall on the spectrum. My child doesn't care where you or your child fall on the spectrum. People are different. Autism is different. Not one of us is the same, neurotypical or otherwise.

    So in my world, there are no labels. Last year I was told I was on the spectrum. The term she used was HFA. No. I am NOT HFA. I am simply on the spectrum. Where I am on the spectrum depends on the day. My mood. The situation.

   Basically, my autism is my autism. Liam's autism is his autism. And your autism is your autism. No functioning labels, just autism.

Hurting the very people you claim to advocate for is EVIL!

We're getting ready to head out on a MUCH needed vacation. We haven't had a real one in years and are so thankful we get this chance.

Those who follow us know what a ride the last few years have been. It's going to be great to relax and just enjoy each other and the ocean for a week!

But, I have a story to tell. Writing soothes my soul, and I need to get this out of my heart before I can move forward and enjoy myself and my family.

So here goes....

This happened yesterday. Someone I called friend. Someone I loved. Someone that claimed I was her friend. Someone that claimed to love me. Well she showed her true colors, and she proved I was never her friend.

I was starting to notice that this person was only having contact with me when she wanted info. I'm a straight up honest person, and she knows that. My aspie brain wants FACTS, not half truths. Not a run around! She would message me and in a sneaky way, be pumping me for info. THEN, she would act like she truly cared about my family and I,  after a  few questions, and once she got what she wanted, she wouldn't speak to me again.

Well yesterday I was awoken by yet another pm from her. Prying for more info. I was starting to get wise to her ways, as have other mothers she has done this too. She of course was wanting info. Then, when she realized I wasn't giving up anything, she was being more vague, telling me to forget it.

Look, if you come to me and say, "so and so said this about you." Or,  "so and so said you said this about me," you damn well better be able to tell me what I supposedly said. First of all, I don't make a habit of talking about others behind their back. If I say something about you to someone else, it's something I will say to your face!

When I finally had enough and caught her in a lie, and asked her to clarify, she UNFRIENDED and BLOCKED me!!!!!

That right there says guilt! I was crushed!

I sent screen shots to my friends. And what they said floored me. It was what I have been thinking for months, but didn't want to admit.

She was using my straight forward, aspie, literal way of thinking against me. Taking advantage of my honesty for her OWN AGENDA!!!!

That's right, I'm on the spectrum. She knows it! And she was using it for her own benefit!

Who does that? She's an autism parent!!!!! How would she feel is someone did that to her child????

I was broken yesterday. I even cried. Now today, I am livid!

She calls herself an advocate and instead she used someone that she claims to advocate for.....

And to back up all that happened, enjoy the screen shots. I'm in blue, she is in white.

So do me a favor. Have friends because you like them. because you relate to them. Because you were school friends. DON'T have friends for your own agenda. Also, ppl that you are friends with may be on the spectrum. Honor that. Support them. Don't use them.

I know you guys won't  But I feel it needs said.

Don't Ignore~ A Cyber Bullying Flash Blog

Cyber Bullying Flash Blog

I was asked to take part in this initiative to bring awareness to an ongoing issue of cyber bullying.





No mud slinging. No name calling. I won't stoop to a high school level. But I also won't sit back and act like this "community" isn't toxic in parts.




Some of these very advocates are screaming for acceptance. Are screaming that words hurt their children. Yet, these SAME parents are slinging these words at adults.

Now I ask you. If your child, your brother, your sister, your mother, your father or anyone you love for that matter, was being called vile names, would you sit back and ignore it? If any of those people you love, were being publicly ridiculed, blogged about, having memes made about them, would you not say anything? Would you tell your child to keep quiet if they were being bullied?

Hell no! You would tell them they need to stand up for themselves. And if they can't??? Then YOU would stand up for them.

So without calling people out. Without dragging their names, or their pages through mud, I will still stand up and fight. I KNOW the back story. I was there. I know who did what and when. Screen shots were taken. That is neither here nor there, because the point I am making, is bullying is bullying, plain and simple.

 I will say that you can't ask people not to bully your children, when you in fact are a bully yourself.

I will say that we all joined this "community" with a common goal. To meet other parents living with and affected by autism. NOT to be throw around cliques, or to be bashed in private blogger forums. Not to have the mean girl cronies coming out of the wood work to defend who's wrong when they don't know the back story.

We are all here, from different walks of life. With different opinions. With different stories. That doesn't make you better than me, or vice versa. It makes you DIFFERENT. Shouldn't that be embraced? Isn't that what we want for our children?

So stop and think. Before you speak. Before you type. There are REAL people behind these computers. Real people, with real feelings. Words DO HURT. We all know that. So lets start paying closer attention to the words we throw at others.

Let's stand as a COMMUNITY with a common goal and cause. Let's start acting like adults. Let's be role models for our children, and show them how to behave offline and online. Let's learn from our mistakes, from others mistakes. Let's start choosing our words. Stepping away from the key board if we are upset. Because we all know, that words most certainly hurt. Sometimes just as bad as a punch to the gut.

On that note, let me share our story.... Not one of cyber bullying, but the "old fashioned" kind of bullying. Words and actions...

My son was bullied. He was bullied for almost a year by a neighbor child. Just out of my ear shot. I had no clue. Though my son is very verbal, when he is upset, he clams up and holds it in. Even though I was always right there, this would happen where I couldn't hear it, and I was literally clueless.

Until one day in 2010. We were walking home from their house after we had a movie night. (We would put a movie in for the kids in their room, and the adults would watch a movie together in the living room) Liam started bawling when we were no more than 5 feet from their door. It was then that he came forth and said he was being bullied. Physically and verbally. My heart crumbled. He was upset for days, as was I. How did I not see the signs? How could I have missed this? Why wasn't I there to protect him. (It's not like he is ever far from me.)

He had had enough,  he took a stand. He stood up to his bully, and now they are friends. Pretty good ones at that. Liam wanted to speak out about his bully, so other kids wouldn't feel so alone. So at just 5 years old, he came to me, and together we created this quick video.

So that's our story. I pray you don't have one as well. Sadly, I think many of us do. PLEASE, teach your children that words hurt. Teach your children what makes a bully. Teach your children by YOUR example.

One more thing. This is Disney Channel's Friends for Change video about Bullying. Liam enjoys it. When I told him what I was blogging about, he said I should share this as well. Share it with your children.

To check out the other blogs joining in today, head over to A Legion for Liam. Look for the pinned post at the top, and the blogs will be listed in the comments <3

Words I don't want to hear

 "Age Appropriate" and "High Functioning." The next person that utters those words to me, may very well walk away with 5 across the eyes. I am serious!!!!

 What is age appropriate? Is that what people use to classify NT kids? I ask because my son has NEVER been age appropriate. In good ways, and in "bad".

 He hit most of his milestones early to be honest. Beyond that though, emotionally he has never behaved "age appropriate." He still to this day puts everything in his damn mouth. Not to taste it, but to feel it. I can NOT believe he hasn't choked on something or swallowed a penny or some shit. (*knocking on wood here*) He is super emotional. More so than "typical" kids his age I know. He is dangerous in that he has no clue as to personal safety. He has NO CLUE as to personal awareness, and walks on everyone, pushes into everything, and is basically like a bull in a china closet.  That is fine with me, I can handle that. We have grown together and we have learned to adapt.

 What I can't handle however, is thinking I have a 7 and a half year old child that I can trust be alone for even 5 minutes. I just can't leave him in a room alone, and expect to come back and find everything okay. I CAN'T.... Sometimes even I forget this....

 Just this morning, I was in the kitchen, de-fatting a roast for dinner. Liam was in the other room. I could see and hear him. However, because I was using a super sharp knife, my spidey senses were focused on that. When I set the knife down (after a mere 5 MINUTES)




 I look up to find Liam standing on the BACK of a chair. Sharp, broken cap gun in hand, and teetering dangerously as he was reaching for a knick knack on the high shelf.




 I snatched him up and I yelled. I won't lie. I YELLED. Probably ALL of my neighbors heard me. He scared the living shit out of me. (Seriously, Pita and I can't believe he hasn't broken or severely maimed himself in his short 7 years. He is that dangerous in regards to himself.)

 I know what you're probably thinking...... YES, I know it's my fault. I often forget that my son isn't "typical." I forget that unlike NT children I can't just let him be for a few minutes without my eagle eye. Many people have called me a helicopter mother, and you know what, I OWN THAT SHIT! This is the reason he is still alive. Christ if it weren't for my eagle eye, God only knows what would have happened to him by now.

 Even with my hovering parenting style, I have been trying to loosen the motherly leash and let him be a boy. So many keep telling me, "he needs to be a boy." Just when I loosen that grip, he does something like this that slaps reality in my face. He ISN'T just a "boy" he is an AUTISTIC BOY. Therefore, what is right for your NT boy is NOT right for my autistic one, so BACK OFF!!!!

 I have also been told, "You're so lucky he's higher functioning. It must be much easier." That frosts my ass too. I really dislike the labels of high/low functioning. All of our kids struggle with things in their own way. What may be easy for my kid, may be hard for yours, and vice versa. Besides, it's not a competition. (and for the record, my child is only labeled higher functioning educationally, NOT clinically.) So stop saying that shit!!!! Your kid is your kid, and my kid is mine. If I ask you for advice, by all means, give it. But STOP saying offensive shit.

                     Stop comparing our kids!!!

 Also, I am going to continue hovering because if I don't my child may break his neck and then whose fault would that be????? I'm gonna say you, because you told me to loosen my grip!!  (Just kidding) MAYBE....
                     
                                                                    <3 <3 <3 <3

Feelings.....

  This post came to me last night. Of course after 2 hours of tossing and turning, I was finally comfortable, when my brain decides to put lucid thoughts together. Story of my life! Anyway, I was pondering the days events, and still giggling to myself over Liam's writing assignment. I was also thinking about the irony of it all.

  You see, my son is verbal. VERY verbal. Dare I say, sometimes TOO verbal (or too honest, we haven't decided yet.) So, we often get, "You're so lucky he is verbal." or "He can talk, that is such a blessing!"  Yes, it is. We know it is, and we are very thankful. However, what many don't realize is that, just because he is verbal, doesn't mean he is expressive. (I have blogged on this before, to read it, CLICK HERE)

  Yes, he tells us he loves us, prompted and unprompted. He has conversations with us. Mainly about his current obsession. (Beyblades ATM) He tells us what he wants, and what he doesn't, (all too often) and he is VERY opinionated. BUT...... he has a hard time speaking about other things. If he is very upset, or even very excited, he also stutters, something terrible, and it takes him so long to get out what he needs to say, so he often gives up.

  If Liam is sick, and you ask him what's wrong he can't tell you. (For two reasons. One, he has a super hero sized high pain threshold, and two, because he can't find the words to tell you what ails him.) His ear drums have perforated before we knew he had an ear infection. (Yeah, parents of the year here!) I take him to the Dr. and they go through the list of questions, and there Liam sits with a blank look because he can't tell them what he feels. (Thankfully his new Ped totally gets this, and directs the questions in different manners to try and evoke replies.)

  When Liam is upset, he also can't tell you. He does one of two things. If he is really mad, he flips out. He screams, and cries, hits the walls, and bangs his head. Then he calms himself by rocking and humming. If he is upset because someone has hurt his feelings, he keeps it in. Don't get me wrong, he is a superb tattle tail if a kid is breaking the rules, but when someone bullies him (which happens all too often) he keeps the feelings in. He tells us it happens, but can't tell you much more than facts.

  Each time it does happen, pita and I will sit with him afterward and try to talk to him about it. We ask him things like, "Are you okay? How did that make you feel? What did you say? What could you have said?" and so on. We try like hell to get him to express how it makes him feel and he can't. (aside from having a meltdown over it) You see, a child can be horribly cruel to Liam one day, and the next day, if said child comes back, Liam calls him his buddy and is ready to play with him. Liam doesn't hold grudges. He doesn't become jaded. I love that about him, I really do! However,  it bothers me that he doesn't learn from it. When said child bullies again, we go through this whole process over. Sometimes, more than 4 times a week. (we really live in a shitty area!)

  So anyway, getting him to express how this makes him feel is nearly impossible. Now, this year in school he is having to do short weekly writing assignments. I love this. At first, it was hell, as he fought me so hard, but now, he knows he HAS to do it. He also knows that per his teacher and 504, he can dictate to me, and I can write it. So he is cool with that. It is making him reach inside, and think and express himself in different ways. It is also giving us insight into what goes on his head. Case in point.....

This assignment was the precursor to the actual composition. Liam was to think of 6 animals he would like to be and why. His answers saddened, and shocked us....

He took a simple writing assignment and gave it feeling, his feelings. (a bit to much for this momma as it made me bawl behind a closed bathroom door.) The insight that he has at 7 amazes us. The way he was able to express himself, without realizing it was just awesome! Can you tell Liam is bullied quite a bit? (and sadly, he is bullied at home by neighbor kids, as we home school!)

Now, the next day, he was directed to choose one of these animals and expand upon why he would want to be that animal, and "write" a composition of at least 4 sentences.  This is what he had to say....

Again, this is ALL him. His words,  his thoughts. I was merely writing what he told me, exactly as he told me. I laughed and I cried over this one. I could still see the feelings of being bullied, but then he also added some facts he knows to be true about dogs. Liam is a VERY fact based child. He has a brain like a steel trap. It holds facts for future use (much like momma's but even better!)

His father and I are so in love with this assignment. We love the honesty, and comedic value to it. More than that, we love how he was able to reach inside, and pull out some of his feelings. He may or may not have realized he was doing this. When I hugged him and told him how much I loved it, he was quite aloof about the whole thing. No matter, he expressed himself. This has been a long time coming. We pray, this is the beginning of  a new phase, and that he is finally learning how to get his feelings out. Even if he can't tell us. Even if he has to write them down. The fact that he can recognize or just pull them out, is awesome. With puberty around the corner, this will be a huge help to him and to us!

<3 <3 <3 <3

First Day Jitters....

  As I see pics of friends' kiddos heading back to school, and I hear about little ones starting kindergarten, I am so happy for them. Yet, for me, it makes me queasy.

You can't tell, but I was scared to death to let him go. (2010)

I remember the tears and the fear in Liam and myself that first day. It was rainy and dreary. My friend brought her kiddos over to wait with Liam for the bus. He was so excited. He danced all over the deck. When he got on the bus, I saw him put his brave face on. I watched as he choked back tears. I too did the same, because I didn't want my baby to see my fear.

Look how happy he was!!! (2010)

He rushed to get on the bus as he fought back his tears (2010)

   I remember waiting impatiently for him to get off the bus. I remember the look in his eyes when he did. I remember how he didn't speak, refused to eat, stared blankly around the room. My heart sinks, I want to vomit.

  He endured school for 4 days. He was placed in the hallway when he couldn't handle the class, the noises, the smells, and so on. At no time was I told. I emailed his teacher on day two. Asked her how it went. Asked her why his shirt was all stretched out around the neck. Why it was soaked. She told me,  "he misses you, that is all." At no time did she tell me he was spending his days in the hall. At no time did she tell me he vomited in the cafeteria and was sent to the nurse. He was sent out of gym, music and art, and only was able to tolerate the library.

  I am sickened. My child was treated like an unwanted animal, and I was none the wiser. I cry, a lot. When I see that teacher in public it is all I can do to refrain from mauling her. My son is terrified of her. He refuses to step foot in schools. He has a hard time coloring because he always remembers how she yelled at him and mocked him in front of a class full of strange kids. Just because he couldn't color in the lines.

   I know I made the right decision to pull him from that hellacious school. It was an easy choice to pull him, but a huge decision to take over his education myself. It has been hard being his teacher and there are days I get so upset, I do raise my voice. I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be. I have learned to walk away, and take a few breaths, and he is learning to do the same. We are learning together.

  I am watching my son flourish. When he aces math with no issues, he beams with pride. When he reads to me (a story of his choosing) he is all smiles. Inside, I am exploding with pride because I taught him that.

   I jest about the choice to home school, because it isn't easy. It's not for the faint of heart. It's not for everyone. For us, it was the only choice, the only way. When people ask me if Liam will ever return to brick and mortar school, I say I hope so. But do I???? Not really. It makes me sick to think about it. It makes him freak out to talk about it. Sure I would love a few hours of peace. But not at the price of my son. He didn't deserve the way he was treated at Northeast Bradford, and I can't and won't make him go through that again. When and if HE decides he wants to try, I will do my best to pave the way for him. Until then, we home school!

Look how happy he is in his personal class room! (this was his first day of school last year) he was counting ALOUD (which means yelling, bc he is so very literal. ( Blurred bc he does school in his underpants!)

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Don't Mess with Smokey!!!

  Smokey the Bear. An iconic mascot for our all of our state parks, was created in 1947. Growing up, Smokey taught us that "Only YOU can prevent forest fires." Well, to Liam "Moktey" (that's how he used to say Smokey) was a symbol that fun was ahead. Smokey stood at the entrance of our fave state park. When we would pull in, there stood Smokey, looming high above. To Liam, this meant we were there, fun would now ensue. Until the last time we went to the park......

2011

2012

(I have more, (they aren't on this computer) bc EVERY TIME we go, Liam MUST get his pic taken with Smokey!)

  We pulled up the road, and there was NO Smokey. Immediately Liam yelled, "Mama!!!! Where is SMOKEY!" He was NOT a happy camper. One thing we all know is how our kiddos rely on consistency. Change is NOT cool for them, and so, not cool for us as their parents. Thankfully Liam had a friend with him, so he somewhat controlled his anger over Smokey not being there to greet him. (The day however went on to get worse, as we waited for 3 hours, and NEVER got to swim due to thunder in the area.)

  So long story short, Liam was livid! Smokey wasn't there to greet him. Swimming wasn't allowed due to thunder. The whole day was a bust! Thankfully a very good friend of ours that lives close by let us bring the kiddos over for a swim, so that made Liam feel better.

  Jump ahead to yesterday. We have a family reunion at Mt. Pisgah. So as we pull up the road, Liam looks, and yells, "Mama! Smokey is back!!!!!" Wait for it......wait for it..... "MAMA!!!!! That is NOT MY Smokey!" You see, apparently Parks and Recreation felt Smokey needed to be updated. Don't they know that this spells trouble for autistic kids??? I mean, COME ON. How dare they think Smokey could get a make over and that would be cool!!!!! Liam was pissed to say the least. We skipped the photo opp and went to our picnic. Later, when we came back down to enjoy a swim, pita asked Liam if he was ready to get his pic with Smokey. "NO! That is NOT MY Smokey!"

  Pita and I went on to explain that it's the same Smokey, he just looks different. Well, that made no difference. Now he got upset because, "Do you mean that isn't MY Smokey? Because, that doesn't look like MY Smokey. He looks all different! I thought you said Smokey was REAL??? Well if he is, how come he doesn't look the same?????" Ugh, why does this kid have to pay so much attention to detail??? You can't pull wool over Liam's eyes!

  I told him Smokey is "real" in that he is the mascot for Parks and Recreation. He is a friend to all, and he just looks different because he wanted a make over. I don't think he bought it, but he did get out to get a pic with Smokey and Bubby......

As you can see by the look on his face.... he was NOT a happy camper!

I guess the lesson I learned from this incident, is that no matter how hard I try to control situations (as far as planning) and make sure Liam knows what is going on, and what is going to happen; (so he isn't caught off guard by change) sometimes, things happen that are out of my control, and he needs to learn how to roll with the punches. Dare I say it??  Pita was right!!!!  (I did, but shhhh, don't tell him)

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One small step.....

  What were the first words uttered on the moon??? We all know them. I use them in reference to when my kiddo does something huge. Let's face it, as special needs parents, any breakthrough in our homes mirrors those first steps on the moon taken by Neil Armstrong.

 Yesterday I was reading a recent post by my friend over at Deciphering Morgan, (click the page name to check that out) and she was telling about some firsts for her boys so far this summer. I was so proud of them, and I have never "met" them. But as a parent, a special needs one nonetheless, I was able to channel her joy in her boys' firsts and be happy for them and for her.

  Then later in the evening, my son had a breakthrough. It floored me, and my heart soared!!! Yesterday he was very out of whack. A bit moody and nasty due to being over tired, but God forbid he take a rest when I ask him to. (He is my energizer bunny, and if I could bottle that energy and sell it, I would become rich!!!) So later in the evening when we had finally come inside, he and his friend Abs were laying on the floor drawing.

  As usual, he was trying to control the situation, and telling her what she had to draw. I intervened, told him that wasn't fair, and compared it to when he gets angry when his art lessons tell him what he has to create. True art is never forced, and besides, who wants to be bossed around all the time??? Well, as usual I must have been speaking in Charlie Brown teacher language, and none of it sunk in. Before I knew it I heard a small thud and then quiet crying. I look to find Abs on the couch and Liam on the floor with a look of nasty on his face.

  I asked what happened, she didn't answer and he just scowled at me. I waited for a minute. I wanted to hear from her why she was crying. (she was over tired too, and quick to work up some tears, though I knew it was something Liam had done to set her off) She finally mustered in her cute, squeaky voice that he hit her with her my little pony. I let it sit for a minute, giving Liam a chance to think about what he had done. Before I  even got the chance to open my mouth and start the lecture, Liam comes up to me, tears filling his eyes, and he says, "mama, I need your help. I need something to make me not so angry!"

  What??? This is awesome! Not awesome that he hurt his friend, but awesome that he acknowledged he was at a boiling point and needed to simmer down. He crawled into my lap, and I asked him what he thought might help. He finally decided that 5 minutes in his body sock, would help to calm him down.

For those that aren't familiar with a body sock, here is a pic of Liam in his Skweezr. 

   He got up, told Abs he was sorry, (even gave her a quick hug) got his sock, went into the kitchen, crawled in, and started his 5 minutes. He rocked while he quietly counted, and he used a piece of paper to keep track of his counting. When he finished, he came back out and was as happy as can be. No issues the rest of the night. Well except for some ruminating, and agitation from not being able to clear his mind.

  I was and still am in utter shock that he recognized his need to calm down. I am normally the one who tells him this, and he gets more angry, and it often will escalate a situation. And so, as with any milestone that parents of typical kids may take for granted, us parents of special needs kids, or autistic kids, we take great pride in these milestones, these firsts. They are not only a big deal, they are a HUGE deal!!!

                                              Here's to the firsts, and many more to come!!!!

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Holy Farter's Day....yes, I said Farter's day....

  Ugh! Yes, I am starting a post with ugh, because ugh is how I feel! Today has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. It's 6 pm and I am done. D-O-N-E done!!!! Why you ask?? Well let me tell you.....

  It all started yesterday. Well yesterday is what lead to today's crappy day. Yesterday was actually great. It was my nephew Z's 9th birthday party. He had a bowling party. I was stoked for that as Liam has been bugging to try his hand at bowling. All the kiddos had a blast. They were all so well behaved and their smiles were the best! It was truly a great afternoon! Liam managed to make it through the loud party with no issues. Only towards the end of the party, when we went into the private room for pizza and cake did he have an issue.

Rockin' this thing called bowling..... He learned that it's quite different than with a Wii :D

  He couldn't go sit with the other kids because the smell of the pizza was gagging him. (There was a slice at each seat) So he laid on the floor and counted his prize tickets. Aunt "nanny" came to the rescue and cleared the pizza away so Liam could sit by Z. He was very happy about that. He even gave his prize tickets to Z so  he could get a better prize, and no tears over it either! I was one proud mama! After the party we took him to McDonald's for his burger and he rested in the car for the hour drive home......

A little overwhelmed....

We no sooner pulled onto our road and he was trying to get out of the van to see his buddy J. J and Liam have grown very close over the past few months, and Liam couldn't wait to get home and see him. Must be J couldn't either because he was running next to the van and yelling for Liam.  We stopped and Liam got out and he asked Pita if Liam could go with him to the truck pulls. Pita said that was fine, but he was going too, so they could all go together. Knowing how loud they are and knowing we had already had a full day of shopping, then bowling, and over 2 hours in the van, I wanted Liam to come in for some down time. That was out of the question and apparently I was absurd for suggesting it! So he went outside and played with J until it was time to leave.

Just before they were to leave he started to bawl. He wanted to go. He didn't want to go. He wanted mama to go. He didn't want mama to go. Mama didn't want to go!!!! (this is how his behavior starts when he is overwhelmed and it inevitably escalates to become worse.) I wanted ALONE time! After a few minutes I calmed him down. Reassured him he was only going to be 5 minutes from me, but if he wanted too, he could stay home. (the pulls are in the field just up from our house.) He was okay with that, and decided to go,  so he grabbed his ear muffs and the camera, gave me a sloppy smooch and was off!

Liam gazing at his bud, lol.... note the camera and ear muffs at his hip...always "repaired." (how he says prepared.)

It was great! I watched some old Dark Shadows on Netflix, snugged my fur baby girl even dozed off. They got in around 11. Liam wanted to watch a few TMNT cartoons and he was out my midnight. 

This morning he no sooner got up and the tears were flowing. EVERYTHING set him off! When we made daddy his "bed meal" (breakfast in bed) He cried because I "made it wrong!" Then he cried because he forgot to sign the envelope to daddy's card. He cried because he had to clean his toys up in the living. He cried because he didn't want to walk back to his toy room. Getting the picture here? By 11 he was outside playing with J and Abs. And I was glad I didn't have to listen to his whining in my ear!

Now the fun started. By 2 pm we had broken up 5 arguments. Liam was whiny. Neighbor kids were being mouthy jerks. I had sent 2 kids home and told them not to come back. Liam and the other 2 kept playing. Except now Liam was being mean to his friends. I had had enough. I went out and told the kids he was over stimulated and needed to come in for a break. I told them when he was done he would come get them. The tears from Liam started to flow! Thinking fast, I bribed him, errrr rather I positively reinforced a sensory break by promising he and his friends could make smores tonight. It worked!!!! Wow, I can't believe it worked!!!

He came in, got some shake (chocolate milk) and got in his skweezr as well as covered himself with his weighted blanket. He was out in 10 minutes! He slept til 5 when I woke him up. I know this means a late night for mama. But I don't care. He is happy. He is smiling. He is playing with Abs and being nice. So it's worth a late night! :) 

So even though this day has really been crappy, it seems to be headed back in the right direction. (Knocking on some wood so I don't jinx my damn self!) 

I hope that all the daddy-o's, and mamas that are also daddy-o's had a great "Farter's" day. I hope it was better than pita's tear filled, scream filled day ;)

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Auditory processing can suck it!

God bless my sweet boy!!! Auditory processing really kicks his butt. (if you're new to the world of Autism, just click here for more info on what it is. Many kiddos with ASD often have issues processing what they hear.) I am seeing it more and more recently. Just this morning as I was giving him his spelling test it was the worst I had ever seen it.

 Each time we would move to the next word, I would say, "great bud! Okay next," and then say the next word. Every single time, he would start to spell 'next.'  When I give him a test, I make him stand in front of me. That way he is less fidgety and he focuses better. But how in the hell do I help him process what is being said to him better? He was getting so angry he was pulling his own hair and punching his head. He knows the words. He gets 100 % almost every time. Yet if I weren't paying attention, and reading him the words, making him spell them, and then writing them for him, where would he be??? It's so much harder on him to say the word and have him write it himself. That throws him off even worse. Also, this kid has the memory of an elephant but if you don't break a word down into sounds he can't process it. Is this normal in kids learning to read and spell? Or is this more of the godforsaken auditory processing? 

 I'm not a teacher. I didn't go to college. I'm an artist. A self taught, "retired" tattoo artist to be precise. I am no expert on this stuff. I am not stupid, but I'm also not trained on how to teach a child, let alone a special needs kiddo. The only one up I really have is I know my kid better than anyone. I know how to adapt

to his needs, but I also wonder if I am adapting too much???? I  want to make sure he is challenged but not to the point of him punching himself out of frustration.  I know he knows the words. When I give him his words for the week I don't spell them. I sound them out and he spells them then reads them back. I quiz him the next day and he gets them all. However it's more of the same. I say the word and I have to sound out each letter separate or else he gets all confused and flips out......(unless it's blends, then I can sound them apart and he gets it.) Another thing about it that baffles me is, he knows his alphabet, but if I ask him what sounds certain letters make, he gets all confused, and will give me the wrong answer at least half a dozen times, then all of a sudden, he will SCREAM the correct answer at me, like it's my fault. For instance, the letter w, when you ask him how it sounds, he ALWAYS says it says, WHY...... just like the word. Same for the letter U, when I ask him what sound it makes, he says, YA. He knows it's u as in up, or umbrella, but at first he will say YA, and after he repeats that a few times, he then yells the correct U sound at me.... I just am not sure how to go about treating this for him. As far as the school is concerned, because his IQ is so high, he doesn't "qualify" for any special ed classes. And because his deficits aren't "severe enough," he doesn't qualify for any therapies. He has been done with speech for awhile now. They didn't even work on his stuttering, only on his mispronunciations of sounds. (which they did a great job with)

 So I am not really sure what to do. I get it. I mean, I know when I say something to Liam (like a directive) I can't expect him to get what I said immediately. I need to give him time to process what is being said. But how do I teach him to spell or even read appropriately if I have to sound everything out for him? When am I doing too much??? Is there something I am missing here???

photo courtesy of  http://www.lanc.org.uk/related-conditions/auditory-processing-difficulties/

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He asked for seconds!!!!!

   I am sure that many, if not all of you special needs parents can relate to this. Our children are so hard to feed. Liam only eats about 10 things, and just like his obsessions with certain toys or movies, his food list will change like that. He will be on a cheerios kick one week, so I see a good sale and stock up. All of sudden he will change and be on a peanut butter kick. It drives me batty!!!!!

  I want Liam's list of foods to grow. It's hard to go anywhere (like cook outs or birthday parties) because we will be lucky if he eats one thing there. Yes, I take him food, but it would be nice if the list of things he will eat were a bit bigger. We all want our child to try new things, yet we don't want to risk life and limb in the process. It's a catch 22. "Do I pester him to try that? I know he will like it, but is it worth a meltdown of epic proportions just to get him to try something new???"

  And so this is how it goes. At least in my house. I beg. I barter. I bribe. Admit it, you've done it too at some point. I start out telling him how good it is and the reasons I think he'll like it. When that doesn't work (because 9 times out of 10 he doesn't care,) I move on to the bartering. The, "if you eat this you can skip your veggies." Or, "if you try this I will give you an extra scoop of ice cream later." So when this doesn't work I move on to bribing with money. I pay him to try things. Yes, I said that. Well, I wrote that, but yes, I am admitting I do this.
 
 Now, before you get all willy nilly and get your panties in a wad over this..... keep reading and let me explain....  I call it positive reinforcement. (I wrote another post on this, you can read it HERE.) Whether it be having him  try a new food,  asking someone in a store for help, or even trying a new game with the neighbor kids, I often have to "bribe" him with something he wants to do these things. You see,  9 times out of 10 this works for him. My kid LOVES money!!!! He is always asking me if he can do something around the house for money. So I figure, what the hell. If I can get him to do something social, or try to overcome a sensory issue and eat something new, then he deserves to be rewarded. He likes money, so what better reward is there?

  So yesterday morning I put a pork roast in the crock pot with honey bbq sauce and brown sugar. It smelled divine! I knew Liam would love this, BUT there was a problem. You see, my son does NOT like 2 foods touching! AT ALL!!!! Now, oddly enough, he will take a food, and dip it into a sauce, but DO NOT offer him a food already in sauce. (I have washed many foods because of marinades/sauces, just to get him to try it.) Also, his current meat kick is burgers or chicken, NOTHING else! So, first off, I lied. Yes, I admitted that too. I told Liam it was chicken I was cooking. Hey, it's white meat! Don't judge! I DESPISE lying to my child, however, if it's something like this, I feel it's ok. I know if I told him it was chicken, he would probably fight me less to try it. So what's the harm? I told him why I thought he would love the "chicken." That didn't work. I offered him more ice cream for dessert. He didn't care.  It came down to me offering him a dollar to try the "new chicken." He loves that k2 sauce, so I told him the bbq was a lot like that. He thought for a minute. Then asked if I would give him a popsicle and a dollar if he tried it. HELL YEAH!!!!!

   I got a small piece out of the crock, and an orange pop, (his fave) and I waited. He eyed the piece of "chicken" cautiously. (for him, foods have to look good too. he is visually picky as well!) When he decided it was a go, he popped it in his mouth. He chewed. He swallowed........wait for it................. He. LOVED. It!!!!! So I gave him some on a plate, and he sat down to eat. He ate it ALL......Then he asked, "More pwwweassssseeeee?!"   He asked for SECONDS!!!!!!!

  It worked. My plan worked! No tears. No screaming. No meltdown. Liam tried a new food, and he loved it! I can now say he will eat pulled bbq "chicken". That means another night I don't have to give him something separate. He will eat what we eat. This is huge for us. I can't always just eat what he eats, yuck! So, many times I make dinner and he will eat the meat or veggie and that's it. Mostly he will eat cereal. I hate seeing him live off of chocolate milk and cereal! So yes, I am proud of him for trying a new food. And NO, I am not disappointed that I white lied and bribed him to do it. It's still a win for us, and I am stoked for him. More importantly, he was proud of himself for trying it. And that my friends, is AUSOME!!!!

Trust me, he loved it. He was mid bite when I took this pic :)

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It's the little things

  I have always appreciated the little things. I was raised as a low-middle income family. My father didn't want my mother to work because he wanted her to be home with us girls. So we were raised to take joy in the little things and to appreciate them no matter how small. We may not have had everything our hearts desired but my parents gave us every thing they could, and where there was no money, there was love abound.

  But autism has taught me to appreciate more. It has taught me many things actually, but as I lay here tonight, listening to Liam's soft sleeping breaths, I am reflecting on the little things that happened just today, and appreciating how wonderful they are for him, for us.

  He asked me to make him a lemonade stand. If that wasn't huge enough, he asked EVERY person that stopped today if they wanted lemonade. He would ask quietly at first, working up his nerve, and when they didn't hear him, he would ask again!! This is huge for my social introvert!! This is the same child who crawl up the back of my shirt, flashing my goods to people in public, just so people couldn't see him. I think half of Bradford County has seen my ladies at some point in the last 7 seven years, and not because of me!!!!

  When we took him swimming today, he stuck his face in the water. Not once. Not twice. THREE times!!!! This is huge because he doesn't like water on his face , especially in his eyes. His little friend A was trying it, and teaching Liam how she does it.  He then told us it was burning him so he stopped. We commended him on how brave and tough he was for trying it, and you could see the pride on his face.

  I watched him play with the neighbor kids and take turns, WITHOUT being MADE to!!!!! I watched him laugh, holler and scream and not sit on the deck, waiting for someone to play with. When one kid took an extra turn, he came and told me, tears in his eyes, and asked me to help. I told him to take 2 turns and let it go. He did! He didn't sit there and dwell on it!  He didn't slap that kid and refuse to play anymore. His social skills seem to be improving everyday!

  He went to the bathroom twice today and wiped  all by himself. He rarely does that, so when he does, I make sure I make a huge deal out it and tell him what a big boy he is for doing that dirty deed himself. You know, I may not be wiping his butt until he's 20, and that is FANFREAKINTASTIC!!!!

 I can't believe ALL these things happened here today. These things may not even seem important to parents of NT kids. Without autism, I may not have taken much notice. Without autism, they may not have seemed like such a big deal to me either. So you see, there are some days I hate autism. Days where I let it get the best of my emotions.  And then there are days like today, when I embrace it for letting me see how wonderful the little things can be. So, before the storm of Autism crashes back down on us, I will sit here and bask in the happiness of these little things :)

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